Marital Affair

Dear Mrs. Jerry,

It makes me really sad that so many ladies here are so critical about you and your affair. I am not here to debate their views. I am just going to add my own 2 cents here.

For whatever reasons, you are now in a relationship that makes you feel guilty at certain points, but also extremely happy otherwise. I understand how hard this must be for you. Instead of trying to get moral about the whole situation, which is really futile and doesn't serve much purpose, I am going to try and help you think about what you want to do about it.

Please ignore the harsh words and don't take it to heart.

Personally, I think it is completely fine for a person to do anything they like as long as the act doesn't hurt or affect someone else.

So, keeping that as a basis, let us see what can be done about your situation.

1. Firstly, you need to assess your own feelings towards the two relationships you now hold - the one with your husband and the one with this young man.

It is worth analysing why you needed that extra care, attention and warmth in the first place.

a. Is there something lacking in your marriage? If so, do you think it is something you want to fix? Have you tried fixing it in the past? What were the outcomes of your efforts? would you consider giving it another go?

b. Is there something / many things about your husband that you don't like? What are these things? Have you tried to address them?

c. Is there a communication gap? Have you tried talking to your husband about your needs? Have you ever made him aware of the fact that you need to be more transparent with each other?

d. Are there external pressures like friends, in-laws, parents, money, career etc. that is hindering you from having a healthy relationship with your husband?

e. Finally, I just want to let you know that even if none of these problems are true, it sometimes so happens that you jus fall out of love with a person. It is a real possibility with really sad consequences for the other person, but, however, you need to be true to yourself and just acknowledge the reality. This is best for both you and your husband. And I just want you to know that it is OK to fall out of love with a person. It is OK not to have a reason. The important thing is to be honest with yourself. If you have fallen out with your husband for no apparent reason, I just want you to know that it is OK. There probably are reasons, however small, that you have failed to identify as problems. And that is fine. Being honest with your partner about it is very important though. You have to build up the courage to say, "I know you are great, but I am sorry, I cannot carry on with this anymore. I have no reasons to give you, but it is just best for both our futures that we separate." It is a very hard thing to say, given the upbringing of a normal Indian woman. But, at least if you say that you won't be doing any further damage.

You are just trying to see how to minimise the damage. Of course, you are sorry about what has happened, but brooding over spilt milk is no way to find a solution. Just see what is the next best thing to do.

If you want to still be in your marriage, you need to come clean and see if your husband will take you back. If this is something you are considering, there is no better time than now, to do it.


If you are very sure you don't want to continue with your husband, here is the next point you have to consider.

2. Who are the people being affected by your relationship with this young man? The most direct consequence could perhaps be faced by your children and this boy himself.

Here, you haven't specified if your kids know about this guy or not. If they do, how do they react to it, and if they don't what do you think their reaction will be? How are you going to deal with it?

So, what about this guy? I am not sure what kind of relationship you have or where you want it to lead. It is worth spending some time thinking about it.

Do you think you want to live together? Do you think you want to marry? Is he someone who is likely to accept your children and be a friend, if not a father-figure to them? Have you thought about child-custody? Do you think it would be better for your kids to grow up with their father if you decide to opt for a divorce?

If not, how are you going to explain to you kids that this is your new partner? It is also vital that you explain to your kids that you have every right as a woman to make your own choices, the one that is best for you and them.

You need to teach your children to respect you for taking these decisions. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the age difference. Your kids must be taught this too. You need to explain to them the reasons that led you to make this decision. Even if they don't like it, you have to tell them that this is your life and they need to learn to respect your choices.

That said, you need to make sure that they have a smooth transition to a new family set-up, with or without this young man.

If you wanted to, you might also consider breaking this affair and getting a divorce, and starting all over again. Is this something you will consider? It is probably the toughest decision you'll make. But it will give you that space and time to think about what you want to do next with your life.

Be close to friends who support you, try to get logical, rather than moral about the situation. It is super hard, I know but, it needs to be done. There's lots of work to be done! Come on, you need to clean up the situation and find a solution that is less painful on all the people who care about you. Best of luck!

 

Hi MrsJerry,

What do you want to hear over here? You say you know it is wrong but add that you cannot help it. Are you looking for approval????? Are you looking for justification?

Are you aware that the laws against adultery in the Middle East are very stringent and what you can get yourself into?

I am sorry MrsJerry that I am unable to see this in any other light. I really feel that if you are married and unhappy with your husband, you need to leave him first and then do whatever you choose to do. What you are doing now is just not acceptable.

 

If this is something you really need to do and not doing it will make you regret it for the rest of your life, weigh it against the consequences of your husband knowing about it. If it still feels like its worth the cost, do it.