Malathi And Her Mother-in-law - A Real Life Story!

Varloo · Feb 14, 2006

Keep cool and be courageous

Dear svs,
As Chitvish had given you apt direction, I don't want to confuse by giving more advice. It is better to follow one course of treatment continously to get good results. I was running from pillar to post when my son had seizures, it was not stopping and the drs were not very helpful. Then one of my bil's friend took us to Dr.Prithika Chary. She is a Neuro Physician and Surgeon- the first Asian to achieve this. She is also MD in General Medicine. She takes very good care of my son and now he is alright. I took him for assesment to a psychiatrist against my hubby's advise, then only he was diagonised as having ADHD and treated for that. I could go on for ever. So trust your mother's instinct in caring for your daughter and just ignore other things. Your only goal now is to help your child. Later people will realise. God be with you. Please do trust that all your efforts will give results-deivathal aagathu eninum, muyarchi than meivarutha cooli tharum as Thiruvalluvar said.All the best.We are all with you in praying for your daughter.

rvnachar · Feb 15, 2006

Endless saga

Dear SVS,

Your story was really very touching and as a member of IL, I too join others in praying for everything to go right with you at least henceforth, especially as regards your little daughter's health. As you say, fils are no different. I have a live example, where my fil, mil and 5 sils are in perfect union in abusing the three dils. They can make any lie seem true and hold it against us. You won't even believe if I say I have gone through loud verbal fights almost every alternate day after my marriage, which was such a shock to me, who was brought up in such a dignified family, where we could not even laught too loudly in front of elders. Forget fighting! I would be shivering out of fear every night. Even on the last night that I spent in my in-laws' house before going to my mom's place for confinement, there was a big fight. So, you can imagine what my daughter would have gone through while in my womb. Even today I question my husband as to why his mother got him married in the first place, if she is so jealous about his sharing his love with me. After my marriage, I lost all meaning for the word 'love'. Romance is totally nil. For me marriage was not that dreamy, rosy and romantic experience but a terrorising experience. I am now so scared when I think of getting my innocent daughter married. I am sure she will definitely not be able to take so much lying down. She is brought up in a more pampered way and has seen more comforts that I had seen before my wedding. So, I am more particular of the guy's parents than the guy himself, being good hearted, well behaved and cultured. Of course, it is all a game of chance and even the best person can turn to a demon in certain situations. I now want to be a good mil to my dil, which is a long way off or better still if I can quit this world before I can be of any small trouble to anybody. And worse still if I have to experience something bad from the other side. Then I would end up seeing only the bad side of life. Then, how can I appreciate the good things that God has endowed this world with? So, I pray everyday to make me good and give me a good and fast end.

Don't get scared to fight things out. After all you are educated. Don't care of decency because it does not pay us always. If need be, get back, stand up and fight. Just tell your fil "I don't mean to do any harm to you or your family. I shall do my duty and be nice to you, ONLY as long as you are nice to me. You have messed up my daughter's life enough and now just stop messing up my life further." And be sure to talk to him, ONLY in your husband's presence. As long as your husband is concerned, I feel nothing is as effective as putting things in black and white because, you can be cool and put the right words in the right place. So, write a long letter to him, explaining all that has happened and is happening to him, without hiding anything. After all he too should share your trouble. Even the best mil/fil will blame you for sharing all your woes in the bedroom with their son! That's a filmy dialogue which they use against us. Just say, "Yes, as you do.", if you feel like or just ignore such ****. Why a bed room? We can share our woes at any time. After all, they are our partners in peace and war. Why keep them insulated?

First take care of your daughter. Wish her speedy recovery.

With love,

Sudha Narasimhachar

SVS · Feb 15, 2006

I am moved...

Dear Varloo,

Happy to note that your son is getting better after so many years of struggle and amount of pain you went through all your life is showing some good signs now..Hang in there and you are definitely going to see more happiness in the future.

Dear Sudha,

I wonder how you are really managing so many people at the same time(mil, fil, and 5 sils)...Thats really a challenge!! you have put many words that I always think too...you have clearly mentioned some things that I was hesistant abt...After hearing from you gives me boldness that what I was planning to do is right only....Why get their Son married and take **** out of the Dil's family?? what kind of saddistic nature is this...If my dughter says that she is against marriage and will not marry anyone..I would be the first person to welcome the idea..After all, marriage is not the end of the world...actually its the start of many new things that we are totally unaware of...Anyway, we have learnt to live with these...May God give you lots of Happiness and joy!!

Dear All,

Whenever I go to a gathering and see children of my daughter's age, I always get into the depression, "Why ME?" How much ever I think deeply that what mistake I did to get these things....But after going through all your responses and experiences...Its NOT only Me, Its ALL OF US here. That is the reason that we couldn't hold these feelings and bursted out when given a chance when people can truely look into the deep pain that we go through and we definitely need some consoling motivating words to proceed the life...

God creates things in a normal, usual way. But HE has to create some things that he is forced to...at that time, HE gives the responsibility to take care of those special creation to ONLY SPECIAL PEOPLE.. Everyone raises normal children who eats, sleeps,normally and have a healthy life. Many people lead a happy life and wonderful relationship between inlaws and other things...Only people who have courage and strength to take some deep pain and be an example to others that there are worst things that can happen that makes life more painful...WE ALL BELONG TO THOSE CATEGORY. God has chosen us to take care of his special creations and we all are gifted to be an example to others who sulks for even small things...After all, we are all human beings too...thats why we bursted out our feelings here....

As the author and other senior memebers of this thread rightly ended that both sides has to take a step forward to join hands to lead a wonderful life that doesn't give any slightest pain to each other knowingly.... and lots of benefit of doubt... "rendu kai thattina dhan sattam" .....

Heartfelt thanks to all of you who took some of your valuable time to console me and others. I will sincerely pray for each one of your happiness that lasts forever!!

Love,
SVS.

purnima_2k · Feb 28, 2006

Very touching!

Dear Sir,

The more i read your stories the more addicted i am becoming to them, more so because you say that they are real life stories. I will tell you something. Existance of such a malathy is not rare. My MIL is exaclty like her. She has suffered a lot from her MIl who was extremely possesive of her son and used to utter the worse of words to her. SHe was a silent bearer to all that..... actually sir ALL the things you have written is just like as if u have written about her except for two things!

1) She never had the opportunity to go out of the house leaving her MIL
2) Her MIL kept abusing her even on the day she died!

So her situation was 1000 times worse than Malathys! I can probably NEVER be like that! I have not met my MIL's MIL , otherwise probably i would have give her a piece of my mind!

Contrary to the general belief, i am very proud to say that i have got a GREAT MIL(touchwood) and i am very lucky to have a person like her. I admire her so much to the extent that even my mom sometimes gets jealous!

Overall , a truly touching and a wonderful story, i think we all need to be like Malathy and think level headed at all times. People who get angry are insecure in some way, and we should try and treat them like "poor patients" rather than our equal rival! that would solve a lot of things!

Thank you Varalotti sir for one of your classical story !

Regards,
Purnima

varalotti · Feb 28, 2006

Thanks Purnima For Reviving The Thread!

Purnima, thanks for all the nice words you have about my writings. I pity your mother in law for having suffered so much under hers. In the same breath I admire her because those women who have suffered under a bad mil normally grow into a worse mil themselves. That's a very perverse logic but it applies every where. When I was talking to a boy's family who were interested in an alliance with my cousin, the boy's mother demanded a huge dowry and made extraordinary other specs - like lots of gold, vehicle etc. I told her 'Is it reasonable? After all you have married off your daughter just now and how could you do that to us?' To which she replied 'I paid a similar sum for my daughter where will I collect it?' I was dumbfounded.
I was ragged by a senior student in my college. I meekly asked him is it not wrong to rag a new student? He said 'When I was a new student, I was ragged. I am just settling the account. You can also rag your juniors.' The logic was nauseating.
Contrary to all these your mil has matured into a nice woman. It's God's blessing, Purnima. May be in your last birth you would have been a kind mil so you got a nice one this time.
I have never said Malathi is typical. You see the replies of rvnachar, SVS and Varloo to find out much more cruel mils and fils. I chose Malathi because she has come out of every thing unscathed and has come out as an achiever as well.
And I wanted this Malathi to be a starting point for others to narrate experiences from their own lives.
After reading the other replies in this forum, Purnima, you go to the Anatomy thread and let me have your views there.
regards,
sridhar
PS don't call me sir. sridhar or varalotti is enough. If you continue to call me sir, then I'll start calling your Purnima Madam. Howzzat?

rvnachar · Mar 1, 2006

Purnima's positive minded mil

Dear Purnima,

As Sridhar says, the cycle of mil avenging her insults against her dil and juniors taking their spite on their juniors goes on. Very rarely do people break the chain and we do hear of 'good' mils and friendly seniors. My son joined IIT Kharagpur last year and he refused to get ragged, when it turned out to be insulting and vowed to welcome his juniors in a friendly manner. In fact, he suggested to his dean that he could set a new trend and show the way to welcome juniors, who are already mentally homesick, in a friendly manner. But you won't believe that neither the dean was keen on giving an ear to him nor his batchmates. Most of his batchmates chose the option of silently getting ragged and continuing the cycle! That is human mentality. Similarly, mils who choose the option of setting good examples are very rare. My mil did not even have a mil when she entered the marital home. Of course her fil was an orthodox and strict gentleman of those days and she had the normal burden of taking care of a huge family as a single woman of the family, cooking on firewood ovens and frequent pregnancies. But there are thousands of women who have undergone all this along with a wicked mil. What justification has she got to inflict so much of spite on her dils? The worst thing is she was not only possessive of her son but jealous that our generation is enjoying some comforts which her generation did not enjoy. For example, when my husband and I took a photograph in a studio because my mother wanted to give our photo to my relatives, she created a big scene that her husband had never taken any pictures with her. You won't believe she would go all alone to movies with my fil, while I had to go with a who jing bang anywhere I went, even a short walk! My parents-in-law would never sacrifice their privacy, when guests arrived in our overcrowded house but we (who were just married) had to come out of the room. She fought vehemently against my husband taking me out just 2 months after marriage, when I was sent to my mother's home for Ashada month. She just could not stand us enjoying any sort of privacy. OH! I'll go on and on. Let us all learn good lessons from these stories and become good human beings first, to be a good mils!

Sudha Narasimhachar

varalotti · Mar 1, 2006

Thanks Sudha For The Nice Sentiments!

Dear Sudha,
At one time I was thinking what was the big deal in writing a mother in law thread and stir up the sad memories of many good ladies like you. But after reading your reply I am fully convinced of one very great advantage of this thread. Yes, it will make some five hundred plus gracious ladies of this forum especially those who viewed this thread and responded to it (incidentally this thread had the highest number of views outside Chitvish Forum) into very good mother in laws. I have already started envying those girls who are going to become dils to these mils. They will not simply be daughters in law but daughters in love.
thanks for stirring up such nice thoughts, sudha.
regards,
sridhar

purnima_2k · Mar 1, 2006

Admiration

Dear Sudha,

Thanks for the nice words about my MIL, she is a gem, moreso after i heard all the stories about her 'notorious MIL'. The more surprsing thing is the way she narrates the incident, as if all that was a big joke that happened !!

She always starts off like this " U know a comedy which happened...." and then would narrate a worse of incident her MIL did to her. i became dumbsruck every time she used to tell me any incident, more than the incident i used to be stoned by the manner she used to say- very cooly and very calmly as if the whole thing happened was a joke!

I dont know how people like you, my MIL etc have put up so much in life. You guys will be much better person than we are. Your tolerance level, outlook , maturity and the capacity to think level headed at all times will be there!

I really admire you people very much!

Regards,
Purnima

varalotti · Mar 2, 2006

A Bad Daughter-in-law For a Change!

Dear All,
My heart is filled with gratitude on seeing the enthusiastic participation of all the ladies in this thread. And my heart is heavy with sadness on reading some of the heart-rending stories posted in this thread.
Now for a change I have posted a bad dil thread and how a mil wins her over. I am sure none of you is a bad dil and that all of you are going to become good mils. What if your future dil is bad? Just read this thread and give your views.
Varalotti

Oviya · Mar 13, 2008

Hi Varalotti,

It was a very good portrayal of a very good DIL. Good thing, you created an outlet for the ladies which they really need.

It is actually a never ending topic. I couldn't read all the posts because I felt as if I was reading about the olden days' cruel emperor. Though we can't give any standing suggestion to anybody, all of today's DILs can follow Malathi to a great extent. Because basically the MILs have the fear of losing their sons. So, those MILs who are basically good will definitely develope a soft corner towards the DILs.

I look at Malathi's life from the angle she lost her'happiness'self. It is said that there is at least one in each family who became the invisible pillars of the happiness of the family. As Malathi accepted her stand as a dutiful DIL, it wasn't a problem. What if she wasn't? Totally miserable, right?

:hatsoff to those who are in distress but get it carried away with patience ....

Regards,
Oviya.