Losing It Completely .

Not sure why this thread has been hijacked to astrology .But anyways to clarify I don't think of astrology as a tool to predict future , its more a science to understand our sub conscious behavioral patterns that manifest as real life events . Thanks again to all for giving me suggestions . For the moment , I am trying to do some self development to gain some clarity .

 

@madras2018 how can I send you a pm?

 

I went to two different ones in Goa. .. one was Bamboo yoga retreat in patnem beach, other one I can't remember the name unfortunately ..Here there is a vipassana retreat if you are interested, although I haven't gone to it.

 

Thank you @SinghManisha , I am 100 percent at peace and clarity and very optimistic for life ahead. Everything is falling into place slowly , the clouds have fully lifted. Once I pushed past my fears and took a stand for myself, only good things have happened to me. Whatever forces finally knocked sensed into me, I am just greatful for that.

 

Just realized this thread is nearly a year old. When I posted on this thread last year,I was in a deep dark place. I was starting to feel like a person carrying out a life sentence . It was a desperate call for help and I am deeply thankful to all of you who responded back. When I look back to how complete strangers in the virtual world take time to reach out I can't help but be moved.
Anyways this past year has been life changing. I gathered up the courage and decided to end this marriage . Its the hardest thing I have had to do. One one hand lied the freedom of living a life thats entirely true to me and on the other and I had all these zillion insecurities - will I manage on my own, can I deal with all the emotional chaos and backlash etc.. But these fears and insecurities had kept me back too long and the urge to break free became more stronger .
After I finally decided to come out of this, the next step was to practically implement it. I have an amazing circle of friends and I leaned on to them for emotional and moral support. ( I can't emphasize how important that was, no one can do it all on their own). Also virtual friends who had taken a similar path before ( @liya1984 and @madras2018 ) were such a great support . I searched for a place to stay and found a really good one. I told ex of my decision and we decided to part ways amicably and hence not create any drama involving families .

Obviously there was some drama subsequently and there is still some going on, but for the most part, once I left and stayed on my own, it has been smooth sailing and getting better by each day. Our case is under legal process and very soon we will be legally separated as well. I wake up each day, so grateful for being given a second chance in life. My life is full of possibilities now and I get to choose how I want it to be. I laugh more than I ever did, I find joy in living . Eventually I know I will find all the things that I missed out - true love and a healthy relationship . But for now , My life is filled with a lot of love in the form of my circle of friends, my work, etc..

I also realize how blessed I was that I had the resources ( financial and emotional) to come out of an unhappy relationship. I was also lucky that I stay in a more progressive city where no one judges you by your relationship status. Someday I want to help women who are in a similar situation but are not as lucky . Our society is steeped in hypocrisy and most of it is directed to make women feel helpless and out of control of their lives. Even with all the so called progressive education I received , it took me a long long time to leave a dysfunctional relationship. Because of social conditioning /brain washing and generally a lack of belief in myself .

One last thing I need to mention. Having faith is so essential. Even at the worst when I dint see any way forward ,
somewhere deep down I trusted the universe/god/ higher power, what ever that is. It all comes down to his/her timing. I truly believe if we have faith, the universe gives us exactly what we want.

Thanks again to everyone.