long distance relation with spouse.

shari2003 · Jan 31, 2012

Dear all,
I have been following the website regularly and it is a wonderful place providing strong support, motivation, recommending improvements, providing suggestions on how better we could take care of our relationships. I have absorbed quite a lot from the valuable advices shared here, and these have helped me drastically in improving myself. It would be really helpful if you could provide me with valuable suggestions for the current problem I face.
I am married for around 9 years, and blessed with a beautiful daughter who is 6. Me and DH work in IT, lead quite a good quality life. We do have our own share of tiffs which get extremely bad with strong motivation from his mom, brother and sister. The spouse has been away (in the US) for almost 6 months now. As per the initial plan, he was to be there until end of April. However, the company might extend his stay there for few more months (maybe until August/ September) and I am feeling very sad after hearing that. I was longing to be with him already and was eagerly looking forward to April, and am so depressed with the current decision to stay on till August. I do not understand why am feeling so low, though.
To give you a brief account of how life is; we talk to each other at least a couple of times every day (more during weekends) and he talks to little one once a day. We get to see each other over Skype thrice or four times every weekend. We involve the little one also in the conversation and also enjoy private intimate chat, viewing each other. But, physical proximity matters a lot to me. It is leading me to depression once in a while and I feel frustrated. I talked about this depression to him as soon as he told me that he might have to extend his stay until August. He says, he is not enjoying life there and is completely bored of cooking, cleaning washing etc on his own. Still, I need to put up as we ought to finish off at least a part of our home and car loans before he returns and I need to keep that in mind before I get frustrated like this. He has been sending us good presents through friends who visit from US (he sent dresses, caps, silver jewelry, good handbags, iPad and all that) and was telling earlier that we could visit him for a month or so (as much as my leave from office allows me) in April/ May ( when the little one has her holidays from school.).
But, after this August decision came up, he says we could visit him in Aug, when the weather is better and we have good money to go around and see places. But, I don’t think I can wait until then to see him. Am I thinking weird? I have suggested that we go and be with him as planned (during April or May) and then he could continue his stay there until August or September. That we both I would not feel too deprived. The lil one also wants to visit him as it’s a while since we went on trips. Currently, his visa has been given for extension and we would be able to process our visas only after he receives his extension.
I would really appreciate if you could provide me with suggestions on how to change myself and make myself accommodative. Do all of you feel the same? Have you felt this way before and how have you taken care of this? Also, please tell me if April/ May are bad months (weather) to visit US; he is in Missouri? When I nag him more, he starts getting irritated and tells that I can leave my job and join him if I am that desperate. But, that is not a good option for us, because, I do not want to disturb the LO, she is in a good school and is going good in studies and other activities. And, I do not want to leave my job at any cost as I am in a lead position and earning good too.
Please help. Thanks!

virilevisu · Jan 31, 2012

hmmm.....

thats the craze abt money... that weakens the relationships... but the very money will do wonders to strengthen the relationships as well.....

yeah we can give free advice say....dont be idle.... do this...do that... try to join some hobby class.. blah.. blah.... but I believe they wont really help you to get out of the situation...

after all he is your hubby... isnt it....the thoughts will roam around like whirl...

may be you are just getting deviated from your work..by comparing the people at work???
may be you are just getting deviated from your thoughts.. by looking around the happy couples around????
as you are in such a good position of leading a team.. you very well know the psychology of people.. but you are unable to read yours.... mmmm .....

if you observe closely mistress.... this temporary longing created an invincible bond between you and your hubby.. isnt it??? if you think positive way like this....you wont feel bad of this longing.. and definitely you will be memorizing your good early marriage days... your trips.. small small quarrels...

hope you will come out of this dep.... soon...............

satchitananda · Feb 1, 2012

Shari,

I can very well understand how you feel about the long separation. It certainly is not easy. On top of your own longing, it is hard to try and comfort a kid who is longing to see her dad.

Having said that, one has to realize that one is immensely lucky to have jobs these days. The job market being what it is, the demands it places on one has also increased tremendously. So one just has to accept it as it is. It is a question of simple survival. Yes, we certainly can survive with a lot less than we have gotten used to, but having already got accustomed to a certain way of life, it is equally difficult to scale back. Would you be able to consider doing the same? I doubt. It would be hard for anyone.

You say you might consider going to the US for a break with your kid. Now that is certainly something to look forward to. Do that. It is probably too early to say how much leave you can get, but start off with a plan of what all you can do during that break. What would you like to see? Where would like to go? Check out information on the internet.

In the meanwhile ease up on nagging your husband. He too will be finding it difficult not only practically, but also emotionally. You are still at home with your kid and relatives. He is all alone there. Don't make it harder for him than it already is.

We are very lucky these days with facilities like e mail, cheap telephone calls, video conferencing etc. Think how hard it must have been until as recently as a couple of decades ago for people who were separated for such long periods of time with no such facilities. Even phone calls were so expensive, it was a luxury and a call in say a fortnight or a month was a treat.

And finally I can only think of an old maxim which says "What a man has to do, a man has to do". Today we can make it gender neutral and say "What has to be done, has to be done". This separation can also work wonders for your relationship if you both take it in the right spirit - after all distance makes the heart grow fonder and both of you will realize each others worth and value in your own lives with more intensity.

All the best. Time will fly and you will all be together again. :-D

shari2003 · Feb 1, 2012

Dear Virilevisu and Satchi,
Thanks so much for your response. I agree 100% to what you said about money; the more we get it the more we tend to need. To put it in honestly, am not idle. I am quite busy with my job, household activities and the kid from morn till night. But, thoughts about him keep trailing in and that sometimes brings in depression. I tend to get frustrated and distracted.
You have read my thoughts so well; comparison is another factor that bugs me. I feel quite depressed when I get to meet people, especially during functions, social gatherings and parties. I feel as if I am losing precious time. Moreover, my bil also moved abroad on a project around the same time as DH. His wife resigned her job and joined him there with their kid (of 2 years). They could conveniently do it as the kiddo has not yet joined school. I know that I might never resign my job to join hubby, especially because it is for 6 months or so and I would also need to continue working to finish off our loans, provide good education to LO and to save for a safe and good future. As Satchi pointed out, it would be a foolish step from me to let go my job in this scenario.
And, yes, the distance has certainly brought us closer. We do not have anymore fights over silly matters like how it used to be earlier. We long for weekends to see each other and let go small mistakes of the other person.
I just wish that time flies quick and we be able to be with each other soon.

Soumedh · Feb 1, 2012

Hi,
I can feel what you are going through. Be strong ,these days will pass soon.Take good care of your daughter as you have to play dad's role too since he is physically away from you both.If you are able to plan your vacation to US well and good otherwise make some arrangements to entertain your DD during her vacation and support your husband during his tenure abroad.Take care
RGDS

geethaprashanth · Feb 6, 2012

HI,

I feel you are also going the same phase, Which I had felt the same, when my hubby was in foreign for 3 years.

One thing you should realise is , he is working for you and your kid, and for your better happy future, You should support him mentally, as he is far from all of you, staying alone !!! you should thank the techology where atleast you can veiw your DH regulary at weekends by skype !!!!

Srama · Feb 6, 2012

Shari,

I wanted to answer this part of your post

Also, please tell me if April/ May are bad months (weather) to visit US; he is in Missouri?
Click to expand...

It is really not that bad in april/may - certainly much coooler and there may be some snow as well. Hey but then, it would be such a wonderful expereince for you and your child. Early spring is such a lovely time here - you have to see it to believe it. All the plants are ready for spring - you will see wonderful blooms everywhere, colorful flowers, those new fresh light green blooms, birds chirping.....probably it sounds so much better to us because of all the winter we go thorugh! August certainly is warmer and it will feel like India. If the child has vacation, in my opinion (personal) it is best to make use of that time - time wise and season wise. Missouri is not too bad, they do have some storms in the peak of winter. Just one word though we have had a very mild winter and no telling how the beginning of spring will be (meaning more snow for a little while longer or just spring). I still think it all begins to look lovely once April sets foot.

Hope you get to make a decision and enjoy with your family here in the US.