Lonely Life

Just feeling a little melancholy today. So where else can I find a whole group of supportive friends
I want to start with what I am grateful for in life :

1. A good husband and a happy marriage
2. A decent job. No major financial stress.
3. In laws who never bother me and are nice to me
4. Parents who love both me and DH
5. I do have a handful of close friends
6. I get along well with DH's extended family

And now the things I am struggling to deal with :

1. I cut off my brother after years of trying to give and give with no appreciation in return. He has a son . I might never get to know my nephew
2. DH has a brother. They like him but they dont want to accept me. They dont share pics of the kids. She dint even talk to me properly when I went to see them last time. So after 4 years , I decided to stop trying.
3. I have also distanced myself from the extended family on my mother's side - because of different reasons. The essence being that I could not handle the negativity and talking behind my back.
4. The mother of all - infertility . We wanted to have 3 kids

I love having a huge extended family. I always made few close friends rather than a huge group. . And here I am , I could count on my fingers the number of people I can exchange calls/visits with. I have even started believing in astrology - I am a vrishchika rasi and apparently this is my sade sati. Will it get better ? will it pass? I cant imagine how - all the damaged relationships , can be maybe( IF AT ALL) repaired but never restored...

It is not like I took those steps of keeping distances from people lightly. It was after reaching the end of my patience and border of self respect. I know some people are more patient than I , but I did what I could.

Life just feels so empty today. I keep toying with the idea of returning to India. DH is not ready for it. Besides, I am not even sure it will help. We are both independent people and like people to be straight and not poke their nose in our business and that might actually make our short list of relationships even shorter . lol.

 

I have started to look outside to what I can do to help. I donate to a children's home in India. We are going to start mentoring a couple of kids there. Will talk to them on skype next weekend. Looking forward to it.
Another cause I feel strongly about is gender equality. I want to do something to bring a positive change even if it is to one person , hopefully a handful of young people. I want to fill my life / time with purpose instead of moping around about what isnt. But I am not sure where/how to start

 

Thank you Laks and dc24.
Nonya - I think our problem is we are good at not letting people poke nose into our business - which is what is leading to this isolation. But yea, we might just piss more people off if we are in India. But I think we can be close to parents and in-laws. We have been married for 5 years now - private time isnt a premium when you live abroad and I am craving family.

lol - kinky , maybe I should try that. Esp with the treatments looming over my head all the time , it maybe a good way to be distracted
My entertainment is romance novels- maybe I will get DH to read them ( no pressure at all to be like the heroes)

 

Yes , I did my best both with my Brother and DH's brother's family. I genuinely believe I could not have done anything more / different. Yet the fact remains that we have no cordial relationships with either. Siblings just leave a whole - which cant be filled. So what option do I have but to accept it.

Same thing with infertility - I am on IVFs . Whats next - surrogacy -> Adoption. They all come with the same share of emotional and financial strain and heart ache. Not exactly comforting plan Bs.

Just seems like - the more mature/patient I grow , the harder problems life seems to throw at me. Sometimes I wonder if the so called God actually blesses those who are petty , irresponsible or inconsiderate to others feelings?

 

I went to bed and couldn't stop thinking. I think I want to go back to India because I am afraid parents and in laws are all the family we have/ ever going to have. I want to be with them while I still can. Because these days when I imagine the distant future , I only see the 2 of us.