Life comes crashing! what do I do

devastated · Dec 8, 2013

i m a regular reader of IL. i am posting this under another user id. sorry about that.

me and my husband are married for 5 years and have a child. things were ok with us no great in-law issues, all is well at both sides of faimilies. the first year of marriage was all lovey dovey . atleast that was what i think.. he had a lot of friends both men and women... just a few incidents where he was caught lying to me , to go and try to help these women friends of his.. but at that time i din take it seriously as i also have friends from both the genders.

but time and again i have told him that the limits of friendship with the opposite gender changes aftr marriage.. i am barely in contact with my male friends.. just don feel the necessity to do so.

by the second year of marriage we had huge financial troubles.. i stood by him through all thick and thin . as i had taken a maternity break.. but after this i went through so much of emotional , physical and financial trouble to come to a new country , clear exams get myself employed..all this took up almost 3 years of our marriage. I was away from my husband almost intermittently during this period.

during this time the dynamics of our relationship changed , we started spending less time for each other, more arguments, more hurtful words, and our physical intimacy became zero. but he has always been a wonderful father to our kid, he helps me at home as we both work , but there is no intimarcy or a connection between us.. all these days i attributed it to the situational and financial pressure as well as the high stress jobs we have.. never in my wildest dreams did i imagine anything else

now we are living together as he was able to secure a job in the country i am working, and financially we are better off. meanwhile last night by chance i was fiddling with his mobile, i came across a few msgs from his lady colleague from his previous workplace in india. i usually know all the names of his colleagues, but she was new to me..

the messages suggested that they were emotionally very much connected. though there is nothing that will implicate that its an affair.. im not able to bear it.. my mind and body is just numb. i confronted him he tells me its just friendship and nothing more.. meanwhile i also find out a lot of money transaction between them both two and fro. he tells me he had no one else to ask at that juncture of financial stress.. last night was hell, the tears would n stop and all kinds of tots crossed my brain.
today morning i went thro his mails and other stuff. i found out they are in constant touch thro international calls .. the time spoken to her is much more than the time we even speak to each other.. and the tone of talk from the girl's end is very childish , she is also married and her husband is in some other country ..

he said sorry for not telling me, but swears on everything and everyone that it is just friendship..
but i have lost my peace and my life. he even promised that he will stop all contacts.. and i can have all the passwords and bank statements and other documents from here on.

wat do i do.. right now im shivering as i m writing this.. pls excuse the long detailed and probably incoherent post and i m just so empty right now.. do i trust him ??
how do i get my life back

goldenheart · Dec 8, 2013

Please relax yrself..be positive..do some meditation..meet you friends.If you ask him anything..he will defend himself..Take control of yrself, be calm..!

Anitap · Dec 8, 2013

Sorry for what you are going through. Don't take any decision or say anything in haste.

Visu2k · Dec 8, 2013

Few points

If your husband assured you that he will cut contact and will make all his dealings transparent to you, then you should believe in him and stop fretting about this matter more than it deserves.

The main problem you are facing in your relationship, is more related to you and your husband (and not because of a third party). By your own admission, there isn't much intimacy and connection between you both. This is a much bigger problem than your husband apparently having a close / flirtatious friendship with another female. You both should have a open talk about this and try to work on it - go on a vacation together, do things together, have night walks, surprise him by wearing something sexy, do whatever it takes to rekindle your relationship. Perhaps, if you shared stronger bond with him, you wouldn't have even given a second thought to this as you would be secure in the relationship you share with him.

I can't comment about the relationship your husband shares with this particular lady. However, I would hazard a guess, it is more of close friendship, unless there is something more that you know and didn't reveal it here. May be he is trying to find emotional connect elsewhere, as after all we all need someone to emotionally connect with. Given that your husband showed eagerness to correct this, you should both use this opportunity to give each other more attention and emotional support that you are doing now.

devastated · Dec 8, 2013

Thank you anitap and golden heart for both of your words.

i am in such an emotional mess right now.. i m not able to be sane..
i never ever thought that my husband would do anything like this no matter how much we quarrel for petty things... i realised that these things were common in every marriage.. but the lack of physical intimacy and his response to any advances i made were eating me up for quite sometime.. we have no other issues between us..

i had initiated dialogue on this so many times.. but he never told me he was feeling emotionally distant.. he never felt to bring back our bond.. instead he chose to depend on a woman whom he just had acquainted.. i donot know the depth of their friendship, or whether it is much more than that ..

i m wondering whether i m a fool to believe wen he is tellng its nothing more..
but my brain is corroborating everything together..

a part of myself cant believe its happening to me, a part of it still believes he is telling the truth, and the lost trust tells me not to trust him, and that there is much more to this..

but since last night he has been like how he was wen married , after a long time he is trying to reach out to me, pacifing, sorry that he hurt me by not letting me know, but is standing by his word that he did not cheat and they are just friends

devastated · Dec 8, 2013

Visu2k said: ↑

Few points

If your husband assured you that he will cut contact and will make all his dealings transparent to you, then you should believe in him and stop fretting about this matter more than it deserves.

The main problem you are facing in your relationship, is more related to you and your husband (and not because of a third party). By your own admission, you agree that there is not intimacy and connection between you both. You both should have a open talk about this and try to work on it - go on a vacation together, do things together, have night walks, surprise him by wearing something sexy, do whatever it takes to rekindle your relationship.

I can't comment about the relationship your husband shares with this particular lady. However, I would hazard a guess, it is more of close friendship, unless there is something more that you know and didn't reveal it here. May be he is trying to find emotional connect elsewhere, as after all we all need someone to emotionally connect with. Given that your husband showed eagerness to correct this, you should both use this opportunity to give each other more attention and emotional support that you are doing now.[/QUOTE
thank u for clearing this up.. no thats all to it.. the messages from her end are not indicating an affair or talking out frankly about an relationship. the message is about why he din pick her call (international) and she is out of his life and that she too has some self respect and also that it seems as if he is taken a decision..

this to me implies that there is some thing between them.. but he promises me that its just friendship and she always behaves like this...

i m just mad at myself and everyone now.. the woman... she is married and has her own husband, instead of finding solace in her own life partner y look at other men for even friend ship with this level of intimacy.. im sure her husband wouldn appreciate it either.. her husband is abroad trying hard to make a life and bring her there..

and my husband who was committed to me , what happened to him , i came abroad to help our famil, not for my own reasons. they say distance makes the heart go fonder, instead he decided to look else where.. it hurts it hurts like hell

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Pallavi4me · Dec 8, 2013

OP, you know your husband better and with time you may be able to gaze the truth in his words, I hope it would be good to you.

But hiding his friendship and financial transactions from you is not required. Even if it is not an affair certain over-board friendships are not required, I don't understand why some people (men & women) cannot understand such a simple logic.

Visu2k · Dec 8, 2013

devastated said: ↑

thank u for clearing this up.. no thats all to it.. the messages from her end are not indicating an affair or talking out frankly about an relationship. the message is about why he din pick her call (international) and she is out of his life and that she too has some self respect and also that it seems as if he is taken a decision..

this to me implies that there is some thing between them.. but he promises me that its just friendship and she always behaves like this...

i m just mad at myself and everyone now.. the woman... she is married and has her own husband, instead of finding solace in her own life partner y look at other men for even friend ship with this level of intimacy.. im sure her husband wouldn appreciate it either.. her husband is abroad trying hard to make a life and bring her there..

and my husband who was committed to me , what happened to him , i came abroad to help our famil, not for my own reasons. they say distance makes the heart go fonder, instead he decided to look else where.. it hurts it hurts like hell

Click to expand...

What you are undergoing, you being in two minds and not able to reconcile with what happened, is nothing but a natural reaction. So, I won't tell you to ignore what happened.

All I am telling you is that, when your husband promised that this sort of thing won't happen again, then you should believe in his word. It is up to him whether he would keep his word but you should have that trust in him. You know your husband better. It would take a lot of time to gain the lost trust, but if he is really sincere and keeps his word, I am sure you both can overcome this. You both should use this as an opportunity to improve your own relationship.

devastated · Dec 8, 2013

im very broken right now to even comprehend things, my brain is wrking overtime thinking all worst part scenarios..

but the end result of this breach of trust is , that i m questioning myself what did i do , or where i went wrong
the next is fear, fear of unknown. i m scared to respond to him , to show my vulnerability, scared whether our relationship will ever be back, scared whether he is still lying, scared that if he is telling the truth my natural reaction to all this might again drive him away from me..

i want my marriage back , i want my husband back, i want my life back.. i do not have any back up for this..

how do i take it , how do i respond, how do i heal myself

aamrapali · Dec 8, 2013

Now you both are together and am assuming your jobs and financial stress are resolved or at least better, so that is a good think.

If something happened between him and his lady friend, it was probably just a phase during his lowest lows. He probably felt safer to confide with an "outsider" than with family who can tend to be judgemental and use his weaknesses against him later. Usually during very very bad phases of our lives outsiders seem closer simply because they come and go and we can drop them anytime once our lives become better. But family is not like that so most people, especially men, don't like their parents or wives to seem them in weak failure moments. Which is why there is so much demand for therapists and they makes tons of money. People rather speak to a third person than their own family. If you look at it this way, he is probably not emotionally connected to his lady friend, he will drop her once his life is better and he does not need her anymore. She was just a prop.

As far as monetary help goes, he gave you access to all his emails and bank accounts, so why don't you pull up one of his email and reply to her matter of factly that than you for your timely assistance, how much do we owe you, we will pay you back within this time. and stay in touch with her. Write as "we" and sign off as "your husband and you" - she will get it. She will know this is a family unit and your husband keeps no secrets from you and you know that they have been in touch and she has helped you with money. If you and your husband demonstrate a single trusting unit, no outside force can break you.

Now focus on your life. Don't give her much thought. Just dont imagine stuff. Work on what you have now. After many years of struggle all of you are together, work on that. Build everything you lost - cook nice dinners, dress well, laugh together, go out on outings together, enhance your physical intimacy life, and both of you think and start acting like a couple - both at home and outside.

Aamrapali