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Lessons from Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by bmaquarius, Aug 20, 2015.

  1. bmaquarius

    bmaquarius Gold IL'ite

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    Every marriage is extraordinarily different, so yardsticks do not really apply. Like one size doesn't fit all, so also well meaning advice from family, elders and friends isn't of much use especially in modern marriage.
    Pre-marriage, I equipped myself to some very good books on the subject to weather the storms ahead, only to realise that theories and practicality are entirely different. You've got to figure out your strengths and failings and work upon issues in the manner suitable to situations.


    ROMANCE is bliss. Girls stepping into marriage view life in psychedelic colours, roses , teddies and chocolates, reinforced by romantic fluff peddled by chic- literature, movies and whatever. Unfortunately, not all men appreciate surprises, and forgive them for that if you can. Speak up your mind, and seriously, don't expect your partner to be a mind reader, unless he's gifted clairvoyant. If you want to go out for dinner, movies, shopping, then please say so without vague hints. Trust me, most marriages are workable unless your partner is seriously abusive, pervert or lunatic.


    SHARING is key to perfect relationship- I was told by Tweedledum Tweedledee couple. My husband wasn't very enthused by my idea of sharing girlie stories of family, friends, neighbours, workplace, maids, vendors, milkman who occupied my orbit. Being the quiet sort, he really didn't appreciate airing views on everyone and everything under the sun. So you see, not all like the idea of sharing everything from wardrobe to mind space. I soon learnt to respect space and privacy.


    TOGETHERNESS is great, but, I don't think it would be wise to carry too far either. Remember, do not abandon your life, stay connected with people who share your interests , activities and hobbies , that channel and motivate your energies. Go get a life if you haven't done that already. Also, if your partner does not like your ideas of fun or entertainment, please do not tag along. Space is important to most people.


    Well meaning friends told me best way to deal with issues is to TALK. I realised little too soon that, more I explained matters, worse things got going. Talkathon led to putting issues - all my 'rights' and his 'wrongs' under the scanner and nobody wants to hear their faults explained clear and lucid like Newton laws. No one likes to be put on the mat, leave alone admit a mistake and say sorry. So, go by gut instinct and stop before it things turn difficult.


    ADVICE. Frankly, it's not a very fine idea to discuss issues with family and friends who are quick to proffer unsolicited advice, unless it's a calamitous. Parents are best left alone, I've realised, generation gap only magnifies issues, making them little partial towards their own kin. Friends and well wishers can prove prejudicial to either partner, also it's difficult to assess actual situation based on hearsay of either partner.

    DISCUSS. Someone told me discussing issues threadbare in a very mature manner is the right approach. This somehow ended up in a slanging match where tempers rose alarmingly, similar to the prime time T.V. debates. I worked out a middle path here of maintaining reasonable dignity, like we respect and accomodate viewpoints with friends and colleagues at work , extend the same courtesies. Appear like diplomats shake hands and move on after you're done.


    MONEY is important, so whoever is prudent at it must take charge, invest and plan spending wisely because this is bedrock of any marriage. Definitely be clear about all earnings and spending here lest the other feels cheated. If you are in the habit of saving separately or spending a part for parental family or siblings make it absolutely clear. Trust is the key factor.


    RELATIVES One can choose friends but not relatives, so cultivate and nuture those worthwhile while remaining civil with pesky ones. Better still leave your partner to deal with his quirky folks while you handle your own. Visiting relatives needn't be done as a couple, if your spouse isn't very happy to see your folks , he could have his reasons for doing so. Unnecessary discussion on siblings, in laws, relations far and distant, tend to take nasty turn, so refrain from critical analysis, and avoid unpleasantness.


    Shoot the guy who told you HONESTY is necessary in marriage. If you've been truant or up to some mischief before or after marriage mum is the word is unless you wish to risk peace. No partner particularly desires to know your wild side, think of the perils before you decide to take things off your chest. Wisely still, forget it all, while giving it a quiet burial.


    Certainly not all issues can be resolved, some, like our perennial border issues will remain. SILENCE works best on contentious matters. Learn to make peace with sticky situations. On hindsight, to think we accept the follies of folks we're born to, bear sibling's rivalry, patient with friends who shouldn't matter more, put up with idiosyncracies of relatives, tyrannical bosses at office, annoying colleagues. Why, then is it difficult to handle a marriage??? After all it's one big investment of our life times. Sometimes it makes sense to lose the battle and win the war instead.
     
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  2. itzmelvk

    itzmelvk Silver IL'ite

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    Awesome write up....I wish I read this 10 yrs back never too late. I am saving your article. I am too good with forums of someone can make this as sticky it would be great.
     
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  3. paramlav

    paramlav Silver IL'ite

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    Very precious lessons ..one has to really read your post and act wisely to work on their marriage relationship . Communication between both is very important and not allowing third person whomever is very very important
     
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  4. sing

    sing Silver IL'ite

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    ROMANCE is bliss. Girls stepping into marriage view life in psychedelic colours, roses , teddies and chocolates, reinforced by romantic fluff peddled by chic- literature, movies and whatever. Unfortunately, not all men appreciate surprises, and forgive them for that if you can. Speak up your mind, and seriously, don't expect your partner to be a mind reader, unless he's gifted clairvoyant. If you want to go out for dinner, movies, shopping, then please say so without vague hints. Trust me, most marriages are workable unless your partner is seriously abusive, pervert or lunatic.


    One of the best write ups. Should I be a guy, I wouldn't mind asking you for marriage :p


     
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  5. sun01

    sun01 Bronze IL'ite

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    I just loved this post. I wish I could have read this post 8 years ago. Being late is better than never.
    Many thanks!.
     
  6. Bliss9

    Bliss9 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi bmaquarius ,

    This like a rule book/guide to a happy marriage. I was closing the browser after just liking the thread but I felt I should comment for such a worthy content in it.

    Awesome! Thanks for posting.
     
  7. shinycalif

    shinycalif Silver IL'ite

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    Hi bmaquarius ,

    With a new baby on hand, trust me I have no time to look at anything but when i came across your post in the 5 minutes i had to spare, gosh i saved it and could not hold myself from reading it through and that too twice if not once. This is an eye opener for all the men and women out there that everything under the sun cannot be exactly the way we want it to be. And although marriage is a rocky path with a lot of twists and turns we can still make it work or atleast try to make it work. Beautiful write-up and great for new couples or even the ones going through years of togetherness. Everything what you said justifies if you need peace, a great relationship and that support to keep you going in life. As its said easy to break a relationship but hard to keep it going.

    Thanks a ton for sharing your thoughts!
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2015
  8. HakunaMatata

    HakunaMatata Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    this is a very fact.. this is the reality of life.. the truth is we cant be 100% perfect in all aspects, even though we love our spouse very much.. Sometimes imperfect also beautiful..

    Love the relationship as it is, instead of comparing ourselves with perfect couple models...
     
  9. bmaquarius

    bmaquarius Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for appreciating glad you people liked-and also to the many viewers for stopping by to read comments critical appraisal work like oxygen for any writer happy to have known so many readers through the forum
     
  10. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    that was a wonderful post. Even after 34 years of married life, I would say every line of your post is worth emulating. However, as u say since marriage is essentially behaviour of two persons involved, there will always be some contentious issues- for which silence and acceptance would be a must. Well said - it is better to lose the battle and win the war.
     
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