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Kindly guide/help me ...................

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by sbehl, Dec 31, 2011.

  1. sbehl

    sbehl Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear IL friends,

    Good Day to all of you!!

    I need your help, as I m a widow (From last 2.5 months). Let me explain properly my hubby met with an accident & died .

    Now the issue is that , where to live my life with my 3 years old child.my mom & 2 younger brother wants that we stay with them & IN-laws want that we leave with them and I m unable to understand where to leave . i know i need some time to take the decision but the fact is that my in laws insist me to come back (Emotonialy) i dont know what is the purpose behind this. to be very frank my parents want to re marry me after some time as they told me that life is very big & unable to live without partner, if I though at their point of view then they are right after all im their daughther so no parents see their daughter lie that

    in the other hand my in law , I cant say they are so bad and they are no so good . when my hubby is their they dont take care of me & my child too. i m working woman & my baby is lying with his granny (my parents) during my job time from the age of 8 months. If i thought all these things then i dont want to go back for inlaws house but............................. when i look after other point like if my parents want to re marry after some time so i m afraid like my up coming days means i m afraid its something difficult to expect that my baby get love & care from my second hubby ( My point of view)

    know I need ur hepls friend my uncle in law (CHachu) told some one that we thought to re marry me with my brother in laws. i know this is not thime for all these issues but the fact is that mY parents want to pick their dowry back so within 1/2 days my father in laws & parents meet to discuss all the point.

    I need ur help should i marry with my brother in laws or frankly said no for him need ur help friends before their meeting.

    KIndly guide.

    Sonika
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sonika,

    From what you say, one gets the feeling that your own desire is to be with your parents - because they want you to be with them and you are more comfortable with them. Your pils you say have not exactly lavished a lot of love and affection on you in the past.

    Both parties want you to get married again. I can see their point of view. But maybe you are still raw from your recent loss and need time to recover. So tell both your parents and your ILs that you need time to recover before you even think about remarriage. As for marrying your own bil, it really depends on how YOU feel about it. Do you like him as a person? Do you like the thought of having the same pils for the rest of your life? Don't let anyone force you to do anything against your will.

    Just be strong and do whatever you are most comfortable with.
     
  3. SocalMommy

    SocalMommy Senior IL'ite

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    Sonika,
    Sorry for your loss. Its too early to take any decision since it has been only 2.5 months since your husband's death. Maybe if you give yourself 6 months to a year, you might be in a better position to decide who to marry and if you should marry again. As for right now, you can stay with in-laws for some time and with your parents for some time. Like, week days you can stay with your parents and they can watch your daughter while you work and weekends you can stay with your in-laws. Do whats comfortable for you and let people know what you feel. Hope it helps.
    Hajira
     
  4. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    hi dear,

    sorry for the situation you are facing..i can verywell understand its very difficult situation right now and its just not the right time for all this..as you told that you are working so i believe you will not be dependent on anyone atleast financially.
    as per emotional support i believe that it can only be our own parents and siblings with whom we can be utmost comfortable so i think it should be your parents with whom you should stay and also becoz of what you wrote here that your ILs never shed love on you when your husband was with you then how their behaviour would be towards you is forseen..

    now about marrying your BIL i dont thinnk so that it is gointo be a gud thought.forst of all by marrying him you will be with them for restof your life.it will be the same people and same place where you were with your husband.to it feels to be an awkward situation.if you marry someone new you will be having all new relations and place where it would be comparitively easy to adjust.

    & i suppose that your BIL is unmarried so just think about HIM dont he deserve a nice marriage to someone he wants rather than marrying his bhabhi and taking care of his brothers wife and son.what about his dreams for his wife and his romantic life with his spouse which i supose would not be normal with you as it will be in case he have a marriage with some other girl.to me it isnt a gud idea for you as well as for him.just think the opposite way if you were in the same situation and you were asked to marry your sisters husband how your reaction would be..think about hi,m also pls an if possible talk to him..he is still your BIL..
    if you think of remarriage go for someone in the same situation as you are, it will be easy for both of you to understand eachother..

    dosent meant to offend anyone..these are just my personal views..
    hope it helps..
     
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  5. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi sonika,
    I am not sure if ur BIL is from inlaws side or not..
    2.5 mons is quite less time.. I would say that if u r interested in this match to to your BIl then talk to him and know his views. if he is interested to take care of ur child as his own or not..is he ok to marry a mother of child..does he has feelings for u and then decide..
     
  6. sbehl

    sbehl Bronze IL'ite

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    Thx. mam,

    Thanks alot for understand & giving me the answer. To be very clear I dont want to re marry as I though Im not financilay depend on other whether I live my my parents of Pils and I also cant expect any other person as the place of my hubby but when I thought about my parents & my child then i thought lets see as according to time what is coming but sorry to say please forgive me if I say anything wrong , no one can understand my feelings. i want some time for all these things but PILS want to leave with them & my parenst dont want to let me go back because they said if you go bck there is no way for ur second life if I said I dont need my second life then all (Patrents, friends , relatives & Neighours) told me to thought for my baby boy he needs a dad in his coming days

    Regardin marry with my BIL I also thought I cant feel comfortable with him never he feel comfortable with me but may be he can be a good dad for my child (Because no one can give love / care others child )

    I coming future If I will thought for my second life then the reason is just because of my boy. but both the parties cant understand my feelings.

    I just want to live ................ just to liveeeeeeeee peacfully but no one grant me to leave peacfully. My parents wants their furniture (Dowry) back thats why these issues are coming, sometime i thought if both the parties can understand my feeling & let me live with my baby with my hubbys memories

    and the other hand I love& care for my father in law , when he said He can live his whole remaning life with littel vicky (Mans my babay boy, Vicky is my hubby's name)

    Oks lets try to solve the situation without hurting any one , becuase less speaking & Unabele to express my feelings befoore other is weak point of my nature (Behaviour)

    Regards,

    SOnika.



     
  7. sbehl

    sbehl Bronze IL'ite

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    Thx . lakshmi for ur suggestion, I will try to talk to him but feel so shameless to talk on this matter but try to be.



     
  8. sbehl

    sbehl Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Mam,

    I dont want to live with my parents nor with my PILS , i want my own space but i know its not possible in punjab (India) girls have no right to take any decision. I know my pils are not very much lovish with me but it is not sure to get loving own (In future, if can plan for second .....) dont get me wrong & dont thought im interested in second marry but i just explain because i know after some time its happens. I have 2 younger brother & my afraid whats happens after their marraige thats why she wants to setteled me .

     
  9. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Well, if living on your own is difficult in Punjab, look for a different job and move elsewhere...if Finding a job is difficult then move out...someone has to start and it might as well be you.

    As for entering into a new relationship...it is never a good idea to go from one to another without some time for yourself-even if it is of your own choice.

    A person who is at peace with herself will make a good mother-no matter what the environment throws at her. So look for what is right for you, not others. It is all ver well for them to want to patch things up nicely and make everything look perfect on the outside-but not the cost of your peace of mind and self respect.

    If the place where you live is not conducive to what you want to do, then move. Life is a risk any which way you look at it. Better to be a risk of your own making than the so-called 'safety' others offer...there is no real safety is there?
     
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  10. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sonika,

    Your loss is very recent and you are still very sore. Don't think too much into the future right now. If anyone mentions marriage, don't let them talk about it now. Tell them to give you some time to get back to some normalcy.

    I can understand that you want to be on your own. Your concern about what will happen after your brothers get married is very real. So what you can do is live with your parents for the present. This way you will also get time to talk to your parents and convince them. Find a place for yourself close to your parents' place. Once brothers get married, you can move in there. Your parents can be happy you are safe near them, and you can visit each other as often as you like. At the same time your brothers and their wives will get their own privacy and space.

    If I remember right you said in a previous thread that you were working, right? So that with a place of your own will be good for you.

    You are worried about others not caring about other people's children. There are all kinds of people in this world. Some may not care, but there are also people who love children, no matter whose child they be. So don't worry too much right now. You are your child's mother and father as of now and you will definitely shower all your love on the child. What the future brings, only time can tell and you can deal with those worries then. You already have a lot on your hands as of now. So just take one step at a time.

    Let us hope that this coming year brings you hope, security, peace and solutions to your problems.
     

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