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Its High Time..i Need Valuable Suggetions..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by deepideepi, Feb 10, 2019.

  1. deepideepi

    deepideepi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,
    It is about North Indian family..
    I m married from past 7 years.
    My husband is only son of my inlaws after have five daughters and one daughter is also there after my husband. So all total my dh have 6 sisters.

    Past story is so horrible that i don't want to remember but i have to tell you to give clear picture.
    1. My inlaws wanted a son so bad that they give birth to 5 daughter every 2 years. My MIL even ate some medicine to terminate her pregnancy while she was carrying my dh thinking she must be a carrying a baby girl.

    2. After my dh they again tried for baby thinking they will get another son but mil got another girl after my dh.

    3. They even tried to exchange my SIL for a baby boy but my dh's uncle (Mama) stopped them.

    4. Women are nothing in my PIL point of view. Specially my FIL. He keep on saying that girls are silver and boys are gold. He even say this in front of my 6 years old daughter. I have 2 year old son too. He always praises him and keep on scolding my daughter.

    5. When there was 28 days left to my due date at my daughters time they planned for shight seeing. That morning i told them i was having intense pain and i said can't go still they took me for sight seeing. When pain was not tolerable in vechile on the way me n hubby said will go to hospital they drop us on the road and continued their journey. They didn't even bothered to drop u to hospital or come somebody along with us coz me n dh both were unexperienced.

    There are many other incident but let it be. the main two issues i have right now are :
    1. My PIL has suddenly became "DHARMATMA". Every year MIL do fasting on two occasion. "CHAT" - three days fast and "JITIYA" - this is for her son. apparently this jitiya festival is also gender baise. She dont do daily pooja or offerring also they hate visiting temple. She dont fast on teej or karvachauth but give lecture to me that husband is god but she use offensive word for my FIL. FIL is like a puppet. They watch Astrology prediction program in one news channel every morning and tell us to do whatever they say.
    1. Like planting banana tree (dh have transferable job. we have to sift every 3 years. sometime even in 9 10 months)

    2. Cannot make kichdi on sunday, tuesday and thursday. cannot cut nails hair or shaving ( for men) on saturday tuesday and thursday. cannot do head bath on thursday saturday and tuesday. cannot eat non veg on saturday thursday and tuesday. parent who have only one son cant do shaving or hair cut nailcut on mondays.

    3. Should do daily pooja like tv serial bahu in any circumstances. Cant be busy with 2 year old.

    4. When my dh had som problem with his job and had hardtime and was thinking to quit they got so so pannicked they went to very pandit for remedy. They went to 4 5 pandit but they didn't like to belive one and follow him. Instead they chose to follow remad of all pandit. My husband couldn't say no and doing remady eveyday.

    Now you will all say why you are tolerating? why u people cant say no an the reply is

    One month back my 2 year old was hospitalized. He was having vommiting and diehrea . He was completly dehydrated. First day i took him hospital with my MIL. Doctor ask me to admit him but my mil was not ready. Instead she suggest me to try on medicine and ORS first. I said ok. we came home. Medicine worked on vomiting but not for diehrea. Next day evening my son started crying and crying.Nothing worked. I was not sure what to do. My husband come home usually around 8 PM. His phone was also switched off. Atlast he came home at 9 and we took him to the hospital. When we were leaving to hospital that time also she was telling us to not admit him in hospital but doctor told us to admit him. we stayed in hospital for 3 nights.

    Finally we came home at 10 PM and at the very time my daughter was not feeling like having anything. Suddenly she was in fever i ask her to have a glass of milk and peracetamol. But while having medine she vomited. My husband got.panicked seeing this and he picked up fight with me. I was so hurt that he piked up fight in this situation. I also got angry with him.

    My MIL came between our fight and started taking my dh side. The few things they told was so hurtful. They told that i shouldn't have keep my husband with me in hospital. I should have managed all alone. Was that even possible with 2 yearl old hyperactive toodler with drips needle in his hand? They said that we should have given nurse extra few rupees for that and let my husband sleep in home peacefully. They said it is ok that husband gets angry. wife is the one who should keep mum and even have to tolerate if he hits me(by god grace my dh is not that kind of man).

    My husband is at work all day and i am the one who help tgem when they are ill. i take them to the hospital. I buy them medicine. i am the one who feed them and take care of them like a baby. They need to feed all day long and MIL need back massage 3 times a day but when i say that during fight she said u must do me massage like i am her maid. She said that u r not only one who do this. i will go home and there my another DIL( DH cousin brother wife) will do it or i will keep somebody to do it. it hurt me so much. we had a huge fight. she called all SILs. she lied and bad mouth about me. She went to SIL house. She told SIL that i make my husband work so much that my husband is not going to live long life..
    In anger they booked their hometown ticket but still we bring them our home. I asked my FIL to not to go now and go at their usual plan but still they went. Now my MIL is hospitalized. Doctor is saying depression and not to give any stress. She is bit serious according to SIL.

    one of my SIL called my dh and said to me indrectly now she will die be happy.

    What did i do wrong. Cant i rise voice for myself? cant i say no to anything? i am not sure how i am feeling right now. mixture of guilty, scared, disappointment, stressed and what not.

    sorry for long post plz suggest me what to do. if someting happens to her everybody will blame me.
     
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  2. Lalithambigai

    Lalithambigai IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, hugzz to you. Reading your post I can see a mini-Mahabharata laid out with your situation being no less than the chakravyuh Abhimanyu had to face. Putting myself in your shoes, sharing my thoughts on what could be the best way out. Hope this helps. I am sure you will have many more helpful and pragmatic suggestions on this thread.

    You did not do anything wrong. You did the best possible given the circumstances you are in. You can and should raise your voice for yourself, whenever there is a need to. Nothing wrong in that. Yes, you can say No, if that's what you feel. It's natural to feel all that you are feeling right now. Take a break, recoup yourselves and think through this with a cool mind before you put your best foot forward.

    We need to pick our battles. If I were in your place, knowing that I already have enough on my plate and do not want more to pile up I would let this go. Put up my best face and go talk to MIL, invite her home like I have done in the past. I am sure she will be a bit reluctant initially but eventually agree and come back home. After she is back home and the dust settles down I will start dialogue with DH on the long term plan for their happiness. If they are more comfortable in their hometown or with the other DIL, as MIL herself had mentioned, it is only fair that we let them live the way they choose to. It was a difficult choice to make but since I am not able to keep them happy, with a heavy heart, I have to let them go, knowing that wherever they are, at least they are happy. This will work only if DH is convinced and he is the one proposing it. With all that you have managed already I believe you will be able to get this through with a little bit of tact. Let it go in the short-term while you plan for the mid to long-term.

    This will take time but to me, looks like this is the only way out, in the best interests of you, your DH and your kids.
     
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  3. deepideepi

    deepideepi Silver IL'ite

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    Many many thank you for your suggetion. :)
    PIL dont live with us permanantely. They live here 4 months and go home town for 2 months and again come here fo 4 months. Talking about another DIL. She is not her own DIL. She is her Co-sis cum sister's DIL. There whole family didn't bothered to come to see my MIL who is hospitalized right now. They live just 5 mins away. we live 2000km away. My husband went there today to meet her.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2019
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Deepi...looks like your entitled mil hasn't changed a bit..nor have you.
    She made you massage her back three times a day even when you were pregnant .
    Who gets massages three times a day?
    Even real queens will be ashamed of such decadence.
    Her backache and need for massages from the dil are just her excuse to keep you at her feet.

    Firstly.....don't feel guilty.
    People do not drop dead because of depression like this.
    Only people who are heavily depressed take their lives.
    Most women in Indian households specially in joint families have depression one time or the other.


    If this entitled woman has depression living with her husband ,son and grandchildren,while getting massages 3 times a day from dil...then no one can help her.

    Infact you tell your husband that you know how she is feeling because you have been feeling depressed too for a long time .May be you need a visit to the doctor and cry your heart out too. The doctor will probably say you need rest and stressfree environment too. Who would not be depressed massaging an entitled cow three times a day!!!


    As for your husband, hug and make up with him. Tell him you were as stressed and depressed by the illness of your children as he was and you both should not have fought.
    Thank him for being there with you in the hospital and tell him he is a very good father.
    Don't let the horrible surroundings created by in laws create a divide between you two.

    Tell your husband you find it difficult to manage two young kids at home and the housework and then be available for the three massages for mil.
    Suggest you guys get a massage wali lady for her or you will have a break down .
    Get some woman to come and massage her once or twice a day.
    When they see how much money is being spent on that entitled woman's massages, people will know your value. Don't worry about the money for sometime. Let your husband also realise what kind of crap your mil has been pulling for so long. If you have to show revolt,let this be your revolt . Just refuse to massage.

    Tell people you are weak and barely manage to take care of children and home. Tell your hands hurt . You tell people you have not been keeping well . Why should she get to be the only attention seeker.
    If possible,go home to your parents citing you need rest for a few days as you are feeling weak.

    As for the fasting and pujas.....do what you believe in and leave the rest to her to do.
    Keep distance from her. Do your work and treat with respect but stay formal and distant.
    If she bad mouths you and gangs up against you ,you have a right to protect yourself.
    If husband protests,tell him you are trying to keep peace by staying away.

    If she threatens she will go to the other dil let her go and let her get her massages from her.
    No one will give her 3 massages in a day.

    Those massages are a a massage of her ego op.....just stop this nonsense. She does not deserve such a good dil.



     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2019
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  5. deepideepi

    deepideepi Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for ur reply. I was egarly waiting for you. You guys saved me in past otherwise i would not be have been able to come out of dispression. your seggestions are very practical. I tried all ur suggetions but i m having hard time getting rid of this massage thing. This is the thing which trigger PIL SIL BIL and husband too. Massage is a synonym of MIL. God knows what is this. I m trying to get ri of this. Thank you again
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Kuch guroor ( ghamand) hai....( Saas hone ka )
    Kuch nasha hai ( massages can be addictive habit....talab lag jaati hai)


    You don't have to convince others.
    Just convince your husband .
    If you can't stop at once....reduce them.
    Refuse the night massage citing tiredness. Just tell your husband you are tired from working all day and have to wake up early again and can not stay awake .

    Tell him having 3 massages in a day is not healthy. That itself can lead to more body pain .
    Side Effects of Massage Therapy
    Tell him it is neither helping her ....nor you because you also end up having body pain.
    Tell him it is better to get one massage from a professional malishwali . It will help her more.

    Refuse the night massage or send husband to do it.
    Then reduce the timing of the other massages. You decide when it finishes instead of her. Tell her you have work to do.

    If she again threatens to keep someone for massages....respectfully agree with her.
    Tell her that would be best because they know how to do it better for right health benefits.

    As for sil taunting your husband.
    Pay no attention or say something like...kal kis ne dekha hai . Kis ko pata kaun pehle jaega! That usually makes these stupid morbid taunts stop.

    Op.....if you want to see some silverlining in the recent happening....
    Your mil has given you a bad name in the family already. Now it is upto you ,if you want to enjoy the title of a bad dil and relax a bit or you want to break your back to get the title of good dil.

    Your mil has given you an opportunity. Badnaam to kar hi diya...
     
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  7. deepideepi

    deepideepi Silver IL'ite

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    I choose to be bad and relax. Jindagi ek hi bar miltihe. I know whatever i do they are never going to be happy.
     
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  8. NaiveLady

    NaiveLady New IL'ite

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    Hi, I certainly do not envy you being the only DIL of this family; in an ideal world, daughters and DIL would be treated the same but it sounds like that is probably not the case in your situation. How does your MIL treat her daughters? Do you have a good relationship with any of them to trust them enough to confide in regarding the above, as they may have also seen how your MIL treats you?

    In regards to the points you mentioned:
    * "My MIL even ate some medicine to terminate her pregnancy while she was carrying my dh thinking she must be a carrying a baby girl. " Certainly not a unique mentality for a mother to prefer/want a baby boy, sadly, so not totally her fault. Still, this thinking makes me angry due to the hypocrisy; the MIL was obviously a baby girl at the start of her life and she got to live, so what right does she have to terminate another (girl)'s life before it even started? (This is, of course, assuming she would have been ready to take care of the child; otherwise, I can understand abortion). But I guess a lot of these mothers who want sons don't see things that way, sadly.

    * "They even tried to exchange my SIL for a baby boy but my dh's uncle (Mama) stopped them. "
    Good that this Mama took that stance. Do you and dh have a good relationship with him? Maybe he will be sympathetic to your situation.

    * "
    When there was 28 days left to my due date at my daughters time they planned for shight seeing. That morning i told them i was having intense pain and i said can't go still they took me for sight seeing. When pain was not tolerable in vechile on the way me n hubby said will go to hospital they drop us on the road and continued their journey. They didn't even bothered to drop u to hospital or come somebody along with us coz me n dh both were unexperienced." They didn't even bother to take you directly to the hospital at your time of major pain, in spite of obviously having a working vehicle and ability to drive you, or at least make proper arrangements for you to reach the hospital? This one seems to take the cake in terms of being heartless - has your MIL forgotten how terrible pre-labor pains can be? Did they at least visit you when you went to the hospital?

    * "
    Cannot make kichdi on sunday, tuesday and thursday. cannot cut nails hair or shaving ( for men) on saturday tuesday and thursday. cannot do head bath on thursday saturday and tuesday. cannot eat non veg on saturday thursday and tuesday. parent who have only one son cant do shaving or hair cut nailcut on mondays." Not sure what meaning these practices have, but then again, I don't really understand the meaning behind a lot of the rituals that my MIL and other elders follow (she expects us to follow a small portion of the ritual practices she follows, and certain other rules that my parents never imposed/forced upon us although they also taught us to have faith in God and our religion). These restrictions you just mentioned don't really seem very practical in today's fast-paced way of life in the working world, at least not the ones pertaining to nails, hair and shaving. The other rules don't seem too bad (I am a vegetarian so the no non-veg rule would be easy to follow for me). Do your in-laws often come to live with you?

    * "She dont fast on teej or karvachauth but give lecture to me that husband is god but she use offensive word for my FIL. FIL is like a puppet. They watch Astrology prediction program in one news channel every morning and tell us to do whatever they say.". Wow, I don't see what good there is in forcing religious practices/views onto others, especially as you didn't even grow up in this family, and she doesn't follow everything herself, but I kind of relate as my very traditional and orthodox MIL also expects us to follow certain traditions/practices (beyond regular prayers or whatever spiritual/religious texts I read, which I prefer doing in my own way without any forcing/expectation from others).

    * "Should do daily pooja like tv serial bahu in any circumstances. Cant be busy with 2 year old." Like what I mentioned above, don't see the good in forcing religious practices on others, even if they feel they are doing it for your own good. How rigorous/involved is the type of pooja in the bahu tv serial? Is there a more abridged version that you can modify for practical purposes? I'd even say that watching your 2-year-old is akin to worshipping God since you are taking care of your (and in a sense, his) creation, although I have a feeling this line of reasoning won't work with your in-laws.

    * "My husband is at work all day and i am the one who help tgem when they are ill...one of my SIL called my dh and said to me indrectly now she will die be happy...What did i do wrong. Cant i rise voice for myself? cant i say no to anything? i am not sure how i am feeling right now. mixture of guilty, scared, disappointment, stressed and what not." Is there a possibility of you getting a part-time/full-time job to escape being with them constantly when they are staying with you and your dh? That's definitely major emotional guilt-tripping from your SIL about what she said, its as if her and others don't even acknowledge how you have been there for your in-laws during their health problems and what not. It sounds like you went above and beyond to be patient with your in-laws, I am sure a lot of people would have difficulty not cracking in your situation so hope you don't feel bad. Anything your husband can do to improve the situation?

    You are definitely not alone, I hope things will improve with time. All the best!
     
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  9. deepideepi

    deepideepi Silver IL'ite

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