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It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his back?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tugga, Jan 31, 2012.

  1. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear friends

    Just out of curiosity...It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his back? That too after a certain amount of times and repeated incidents and after several explanations?

    Yesterday I had a "quality" time with my husband as I have sent my kid with my mom for a week to my native and we (just the two of us) are here at home.

    I thought it was the time to make a sit down with husband (it has happened several times, but this time he seems understanding than the other times. Its just my understanding only hence cant explain further)

    We just started talking about our past "love days". It was somewhere 7 -8 years back. Remembered the so called Good and bad days, and the real love and affection that we had on each other.

    It was indeed a great "review point" as we both felt something very different about those moments from what we feel as of now.

    After sometimes, I was able to comfortably point out every bad happenings and the patterns of the issues (Husband behaves good - IL's get to know this - IL's interfere - Husband changes - IL's take charge of my life - Husband remain silence - I end up fighting - Husband and IL's threaten to divorce - I end up giving in - The circle continues....

    This time he listened everything.....And accepted all his faults. He understood the plans and moves of his parents from the beginning... that he failed to understand before, hence ignored. He accepted that he had been so ignorant all the times.... He accepted and understood that he had lost EVERYTHING in his life (Money, love, the initial days of married life happiness, his job, reputation, respect in the family etc..etc..).

    He understood that he made a great mistake, and he understood his parents were behind in it... But what I dont understand is.... How a man can not understand all these when it is actually happening?

    I warned him... But he didnt get my points then...

    When I showed him our old bank pass book (joint acc)... He was clueless as to what happened to all those missing lackhs? I am sure he didnt use them nor did he spend on friends or parties. He is not that type.
    I am sure that his parents have built a very big home during the same time.. and hence I could guess the rest.... He says it could be from his brothers (but both of them were jobless state then). When I explained the facts, he was speechless, but definitely he wasnt able to recollect his memories as to what and how he has used the money.

    He is not a selfless type, rather a selfish one.. He can not simply give away all his money to his parents by having no penny on his account (it is possible if he as taken it from our acc and save it in his, but his acc shows a zero balance now).

    For me, it is clear that he has given his money to his parents, but he was not in his real sense then... What is that mean? How can someone forget or lose his sense in a normal term?

    Likewise, he did everything but definitely without his knowledge... How? is it possible? may I trust this man or is this yet another excuse?
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Tugga,

    I am glad you are trying to work with your husband. As for the question "how", well, it could be that he is so absorbed in himself, that he is now aware or not bothered about what goes on around him.

    This selfishness may extend beyond giving to being so engrossed in one's own self, that it makes him oblivious to everything around him. (This I am basing not just on this one sentence, but my personal assessment of your husband from your previous posts).

    Not only your husband, many men do not know what goes on behind their backs on the domestic scene. The parents may behave in one way in front of the sons and differently behind his back. These men probably do not think in the manipulative way that IL's think OR are not able to accept that their parents behave badly. They might be in denial. Their love and affection for their parents blinds them to their faults.

    I would personally not be too sure about those statements of his. Besides we can sometimes be mistaken in our own judgements of others or of what kind of people they are.

     
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  3. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    I dont understand which Indian men is ready to go for any professional help. Be it for marriage counselling or any other problem. They just think they are too perfect or that the Dr's have an agenda to wrck their marriage. This suggestion is not applicable to most indian men.

    OP, Looks like your husband has finally opened his eyes and is seeing things as it is. This happens when they come to know of the tricks played and he realizes that he does not want to play a part in it anymore. Or he is either too tired to play that part anymore. Sometimes, they stop caring for their own parents because deep inside they feel that they played a major part in ruining their lives.

    So I think your husband has finally understood things as it is. Now, it all depends on how well he is able to manage things from here on. Hope things turn out well.
     
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  4. Pranjjal

    Pranjjal Gold IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Hi Tugga, I am happy that you r trying to work on ur husband. I read ur post what I want to say is forget the past whether to trust on him or he is pretending he don't know. I feel many men always try to cover their parents faults don't think much on it. You work on how u can bring him too much into you that he will be forever urs. I already explained you in ur other posts what u need to do. Just try on it. Think about future and don't dig the past things again and again. Don't show him his and his parents mistakes again and again Show him his bright and beautiful future. Tell him the importance of job to build his own confidence and to set his own goals. Tell him how u will start getting respect from everyone,how he will be busy then. Tell him his imp as a father in his kid's life. Make him feel that u need him as a caring as well as responsible husband. I am sure he will change and u will be happy forever in ur married life.
    All the best Tugga and I will pray for you. I really wish u are trying hard for a happy married life and God should give it to you. Don't give up Tugga.
     
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  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    I agree with you Polymorph, that most Indian men would refuse to go for marriage counselling. But the way Tugga has put it makes me wonder if she suspects some other - say neurological kind of problems where he is not aware of his surroundings or ...... could be anything. We are not qualified to say. If that is the case and her husband claims that he did not know how something "happened" like spending so much money and not knowing, then the possibility needs to be investigated. That would be Tugga's next job on the agenda. Getting him to agree to go to a doctor.
     
  6. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Dear Satchi

    You are right... No doubt in it

    I agree.. But why? Why cant these men see the reality even after so many years of problematic life? It is NOT only their wife's life is ruined, but their lives also being damaged drastically. No one want their own personal life to be used by someone? No one want to let their own life (that too at their young age) go just like that?

    Well... I made this statement after having analysed so many factors over the last couple of months.. Indeed, I am spending a lot of time and energy in working my marriage, but I really dont know whether it is just a mere waste.

    A) It is very clear that I have deposited XXXXXX lacks to our joint acc... and I had no access to that account as I stayed in a war zone for work. I trusted my husband more than anything given it was a love marriage.
    B) The remaining balance was XXX and so it is visible that another XXX is missing
    C) We havent taken any foreign or even major domestic trips during those times and not invested anything
    D) My husband was also working in a somewhat highly paid job in India, and his salary and (pre marriage) savings were more than enough for our casual expenses.
    E) My husband didnt have a EMA, or other bad habits that makes him to spend lots of money
    F) There is no evidence that he spent on parties, trips or something similar to that... He seldom has friends to go around, and that too wont make him lose such a huge amount
    G) He didnt stay in a luxury apartment, didnt have a car, didnt have such latest electronic equipments
    H) He is so selfish guy, so he wont be too generous on others to lose his money

    BUT....
    A) My FIL and team moved to our city, purchased a house, and spent too much on renovating it
    B) They have changed their life style as to match with metro life, hence spent too much on shoping
    C) Bought a car and air conditioned their rooms
    D) Both my younger BILs were just staying at home and looking for jobs then, so they were not the source of money
    E) FIL doesnt receive Govt pension, doesnt have a job, and no insurance plan... He doesnt have a huge amount in his bank to get a huge interest for such spending

    Logically it is evident that my money has been spent on my ILs. But my husband is not a selfless guy to give everything to his parents and have nothing to him.. I mean he has nothing saved on his account, hence he keeps on staying with me despite of all the disrespects and fights. He is indeed a selfish man, so if he has given those money to them with his consent, then he must have saved almost equal amount on his personal acc too. But it looks like he has let them get whatever they wanted and didnt bother about his financial security...

    It could be

    1 - He must have thought that I will continue to work in Sudan and fill our account with another XXXXXX lackhs, so there wont be any financial insecurity in our (his) life

    OR
    2 - He has been totally ignorant or unaware of the happenings around him... It is not simple carelessness but a serious medical issue like memory loss... Then someone must have used his problem to their personal benefit.

    Here the question is.. It is possible to lose your memory temporarily and do all the bad stuff and then come back to normal state?
     
  7. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Thanks for the prayers and wishes... This gives me a lot of courage:)

    I know that past is past and that shouldnt be repeated anymore. But I really need to know what is my husband's problem?

    1) Is he really cheating me? Used my money on his parents willingly and now acting as if he knows nothing?
    2) Has any serious issues? Threat from outsiders, so he has lost the money and lost his job as well?
    3) Has any medical issues like memory loss or loss of attention? Ignorance also a kid of issue that need to be tackled
    4) Has someone used his nature or disturbed state of mind?

    Actually I need to know what exactly has happened? I cant open this long personal discussion when my mom or baby are around? But this time I think I must make a life time decision after clearly knowing all the facts.

    I dont want to be emotional anymore, but for the last time I am thinking of giving him a chance if he has been suffering from other issues (like medical or threats)... That's all.
     
  8. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    Tugga, this is a question only an expert/professional can answer.
     
  9. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    All the best!!!!
     
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  10. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

    which means I can be justified for not being able to make a solid decision for my prolonged marital problems given that I am not a professional in this stream. Just kidding:)
     

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