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Issues Due to a friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by malarun, Jan 5, 2012.

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  1. Jan 6, 2012 #41
    JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    thats really bad.next time they come for dinner,you tell your DH that you are not feeling well and ask him to prepare dinner for everybody.Just go into your room and sleep.
     
    JGVR, Jan 6, 2012
    JGVR, Jan 6, 2012
    #41
  2. Jan 13, 2012 #42
    JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Sad to see there are people like this everywhere taking you for granted. After 2 such experiences (yes, I had to undergo 2 conscious advantage-taking neighbours) before I learnt my lesson.

    Try some of these tips. It worked for me.
    1. If they come home un-informed, tell them "Oh ! we were just getting ready to the gym", and go to the gym. or any other place. You could also say, you wanted a long drive just by yourself, and so you are going out.
    2. If they call up, tell them you are planning to do the above.

    As much as possible try to cut their number of visits, and soon they will understand that they can not take advantage of you like earlier.

    If they have not called for a while, once in a while make casual calls, that way it will not appear as if you have completely severed the relationship, which will not affect ur hubby's official work.

    As she is pregnant, prepare something once in a while (may be once in a fort night) and give them (forget about ever getting the box back). That way, you or ur DH will not feel bad about not helping them much.

    If they ask you to drive for Dr's appointment, just call them an hr before and tell them that you / DH cannot drive as you are really tired, and ask them to take a cab.

    It is not easy to get rid of these people. Trust me, you will also feel guilty while doing so.(That is what happened to me, but my DH kept reminding me, that things were not working for us.. we were losing our privacy, and didnt have any time to sort/ work at things we wanted to)
     
    JustMyself, Jan 13, 2012
    JustMyself, Jan 13, 2012
    #42
  3. Jan 13, 2012 #43
    malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi JustMyself,

    I have started doing what everyon of you suggest, and yes there is a little bit of improvement now.
    Now my husband also had his share of treatment from them and hence he is also supporting me.
    I did feel a bit guilty but then I said I need to keep my family in my mind and now I am absolutely ok.

    As for the box issue I faced a lot of it so now I already have a set of disposable boxes which I use for giving to any one if I run out of it I use zip locks.

    Thanks
    Malar
     
    malarun, Jan 13, 2012
    malarun, Jan 13, 2012
    #43
  4. Jan 13, 2012 #44
    Radheshyam

    Radheshyam Senior IL'ite

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    I am sorry for you Malar that you and your hubby are taken advantage of mercilessly by this so-called-friends. I am sure these friends never express gratitude or appreciation for your actions. After some time they start to think that it is rather your duty to feed and care for these people.
    I have no tip/tricks for you my dear as I myself is a BIG BAKRA when it comes to matters like this. Only thing I can say is been there.. done that!! Little things like staying back late after a party for cleaning up to dropping off ppl @ 2 am in the airport.
    The dropping off at the airport was the height of things.. one of my "friend" wanted my husband to drop her and the kids off at the airport ( 40 miles away one -way) in our van at 2 am in the morning.The reason being that she cannot "disturb" her husband since he gets a migraine if he wakes mid-sleep:spin. I was completely at loss of words to give her a fitting reply !!

    Enna panrathu... kaliyugam!!

    Cheers !!
    Radheshyam.

    PS: My husband picked her and the kids up from house , loaded the luggage and unloaded the luggage at the airport, helped her check-in the luggage along with paying a $10 parking fee. All because we felt debted to her since she babysat ( at her home) my goldfishes for 3 weeks during our India trip 5 years ago!!!!!!
     
    Radheshyam, Jan 13, 2012
    Radheshyam, Jan 13, 2012
    #44
  5. Jan 14, 2012 #45
    malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Radheshyam,

    Rightly said, my also used to say, "ippo kaliyugam, adhan nallavangalukku kashtam"(bad days that is the reason why good people suffer..not that I am boasting I am good).

    Your story is worse then mine... oh my god I think these kind of people are everywhere... Now your debt to her is over so you can rightly talk back and say even your husband gets headache if he gets up in the night and aslo suggest a medicine for her husband's headache...

    I think I need to change my attitude of helping and also need to put my family first.
    If I was at home then cooking for 4 people would not be a matter at all.
    Now that I travel for 1 hour 20 minutes to work and then it is 8:30 hours of work again 1:20 minutes of travel, I normally cook for dinner, BF(like chutney etc), and lunch in the evening, I keep only rice or make dosa in the morning(this part I keep at the minimum), so doing all this I get really tired this puts me off the schedule which upsets me a lot.
    My husband is a picky eater and his schedule of work restricts him from helping me a lot in the kitchen, so I am at a loss where I need to do everything like a superwoman...
    If he falls sick or has cold I need to babysit him also i will be like [​IMG].....
    Good at least my work does not demand me to do overtime during weekdays I do have weekend work.

    That is when I feel irritated with these people... on top of it she comes and says nothing good happens in her life, she talks as if we are always enjoyng life and God was not fair in distributing trouble to everyone.
    When she came this weekend I just told her this" yes GOd was bad in distributing the attitude in which people take their life.. he has given me lots of sense to enjoy life and appreciate small things in my life and see the big troubles in my life as small thing but has given you the attitude to see good things in ur life as nothing and see small issues as a great big deal." When her husband saw me I just sympathised with him saying I now know why u want to escape from home and stay in our house with a big smile... he felt it was a compliment...
    The worst part she was laughing for this comment.. I was like what do with such kind of people...

    You cannot cahnge them rather we need to change these outselves to taackle these kind of people...
     
    malarun, Jan 14, 2012
    malarun, Jan 14, 2012
    #45
  6. Jan 28, 2012 #46
    Subhaganesh

    Subhaganesh Gold IL'ite

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    malar,
    u can see one of my thread which i started for my neighbors( neighbor couple suffered like u guys by helping one idiot from india ended up so many problems)

    now its our turn, because one lady is staying in downstairs with her 7 year old son, her dh stays in some other state, whenever she wants to travel to airport she will call my husband to drop her because she needs to pay daily $7 for parking as she stays with her dh place ...reason is acceptable but she goes on friday and comeback on sunday..if we travel to airport (50 miles away) on friday and sunday we feel like we lost 2 days in our life.. like u guys only we feel that she is only lady staying alon and so on helping her don't know when it will end.. we are helping from last january almost 1 year gone still she is not underatnding
     
    Subhaganesh, Jan 28, 2012
    Subhaganesh, Jan 28, 2012
    #46
  7. Jan 28, 2012 #47
    malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Subha,
    I think I got my wakeup call a bit early... I really appreciate your level of patience oh God for one full year!!!!! No she is not going to realize it as long as you make her do it… These kind of people are really selfish and are self-centered ones…
    Please tell her slowly to take a cab and go if it costs her for car parking… I guess she is using you guys as cab service (I used to make fun of my DH like this)… You guys are riding 200 miles a weekend…wow... I would have not tolerated this for this long I would have given a piece of my mind to her by this time… Better u put a full stop now rather then suffering a lot later… I guess you can make her realize you guys are not reliable like making sure you get ready late while dropping her so that she has to rush to her flight in the last minute… or u make her wait for an hour while picking her up she herself will look for an alternative…
    Ok this is what happened after all these days... My DH one day went early to office since he had a severity 1 call and had to be in office at 7:30.. He forgot to inform them(now I am the second wife for my DH his first wife is his work) and the guy was questioning my DH as if my DH commited a big sin this irked him a lot and he came to his senses...
    As I got the cooperation of my DH, I implemented a few things the IL ladies told me like
    -> When ever they say they need to go to the doctor we say we need to goto Meijers or to Target... or if it is while returning from office my husband drops them on the way in hospital and comes to pick me we have a coffee in SBUX talk for half an hour or so and we come really late.. by then they lose their patience and take a cab back home. Now they have got the idea that they cannot rely on us for everything and feel we are not the helping kind (I don’t bother what they feel as long as I have my life.)
    -> For weekend grocery shopping of course we take them only if we are going we are not going out of our way to help them… Before it used to be like if she wants salt we would to Meijers which is 4 miles from our place, now I tell them there is Aldi which is a block away from our place the salt is cheap there I guess you could try that…
    -> For dinner I say I am going to have frozen chappathi or left overs… They just run away… I am not against cooking or giving food for others but then it take a toll on me when I come back from office after 1:20 minutes of travelling that too 3-4 times a week… but yes if she is really not well I do invite her but the frequency has reduced… I don’t goto their house for food as my DH hates eating anything other than what I cook he comes to hotel just because I like to go, he says if it is curd rice also u please cook…
    Now I guess they have got the idea that we are really not reliable people and have started looking for alternatives like going out with other people (they rarely take cab), but they are off our backs now..…

    All the best may God help you to handle this lady...
    Thanks
    Malar
     
    malarun, Jan 28, 2012
    malarun, Jan 28, 2012
    #47
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  8. Jan 28, 2012 #48
    Subhaganesh

    Subhaganesh Gold IL'ite

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    exactly malar u know how much depressed we are because of that stupid lady... she herself laughs by telling "because of me, u both have more outings and chance to eat out"
    by the way who wants outings especially with third person?
    who wants to eat out frequently?

    she just want to save her ($70+$70(up and down) and $21 parking charges).... my god so clever in all her activities..
    even though she has one kid she never take him outside and never buy any food for that kid from outside but that kid likes pizza very much...too much kanjoos..
    double salary in their house but she never buy anything and she used to say her dad is paying 2c tax per year in india( just to show that is from rich background)...
    enna irunthu enna husband and wife lived 7 years of married life by staying apart , that too if they come from poor background i can accept but when is already this much rich why the hell of staying like this...
    i slowly starting to ignore her bcoz i know we are losing money(1 person salary here :-( )
    this month i told her that i am expecting positive pregnancy this month so i do not want to travel as i had past miscarriage and do not want to take any risk:) ( first time spoke very boldly :thumbsup)
     
    Subhaganesh, Jan 28, 2012
    Subhaganesh, Jan 28, 2012
    #48
  9. Jan 31, 2012 #49
    malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Good for you Shubha,

    I hope you get out of this situation...

    Yup this is the same issue I faced they had two people salary and I just started working after a year.. bbut these people are like that you cannot change them at all...

    All the best dear...

    Regards
    Malar.
     
    malarun, Jan 31, 2012
    malarun, Jan 31, 2012
    #49
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