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Issues Due to a friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by malarun, Jan 5, 2012.

  1. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    I have a new issue. I am not sure if I am doing a mistake in this. I am sorry for the way to long post.
    I have had a love marriage, I do have issues but they are manageable.

    I really need to give a background about me and my husband before I come to the issue.

    First about my husband, he is a loving & a possessive(about me alone) person. He thinks a lot before he says something or does something so that he does not hurt anyone. Very cautious about anything he does. He takes the ups and downs in life a part of life and never cribs over it. He helps his friends a lot. People can easily take advantage of him due to his helping nature, and he will not realize it.

    About me, I am an easy go girl and very independent, I never brood over a thing and take things as it comes along. I am also possessive but I also follow a Live and let live policy. I don’t like to crib about anything that has happened, and like to enjoy each and every moment of my life. When it comes to friends I go out of way to help them but If I know they are taking advantage of me I cut the matter right there.

    Both of us think a lot before we ask for help from anyone we try to manage it by ourselves and if it is extremely needed we ask for it.

    Now the issue is one of his colleague and his wife, not a very close friend for my husband.
    She was working in a different state is US and has recently moved to our location and is now working with her husband; they stay quite close to us. The guy has not yet taken the driver’s license. The place where we live does not have a good public transport facility.
    When she moved here I and my husband helped them in shopping, and took them to every shop they wanted to go, in two days we took them to, Walmat, Meijer’s, Costco, Target, Patel brothers, Dollar Tree, Aldi, Ikea, Farmers market.

    Every week when we go for grocery and vege shopping we take them with us.
    In the morning when my husband goes to office they go with him and while coming back they come with him.

    Till this point I have no issues, but the following things I feel they are taking advantage,

    If it gets late for them my husband has to wait and pick them up, the result will be I will have to wait till my husband comes to pick me up from the station. I normally cook dinner and lunch in the evening itself this delay upsets me a lot. There is the pace bus facility right from their office doorstep to our house doorstep they don’t use it.

    Now this girl is pregnant, so my husband has to drop them in the hospital and again needs to pick them up from the hospital every alternate day. I was not feeling well the other day even then they said u come and pick us she is at home only right. The hospital is just 10 minutes’ drive from home cant they take a cab, it might cost them just $10.

    If we go out for dinner without informing them they come and ask why u did not call us. Icant we have some private times to ourselves. If she is not feeling well (even before she was pregnant) they will come to my house and they say we will have dinner here, this happens at least 3-4 days a week.
    Dinner is the only time me and my Dh sit and talk. Also after a tiring day in office I find it difficult to cook for two extra people.
    When they come for dinner, both guys will be playing or watching movie, she will come and sit in the kitchen and keeps cribbing about each and everything which has happened, I get irritated, because I like to relax in the evening rather then thinking of these things. The worst part is they had visa issue it got sorted out, they were trying for baby they have got it but she keeps saying nothing happens as she wanted.


    I still have my visa issue and even my DH, and I am in TTC and still no fruit, but I dont crib about it (pls I am not jealous).

    I feel they are taking advantage of us a lot, and are intruding in my privacy. Can’t they use a cab once in a while and go by themselves, this is creating tension between me and my husband, he says don’t talk like this we are just helping them but I feel they are taking advantage of us and feel really frustrated.

    Please advise me if I am overreacting or if my feelings are correct then what should I do to avoid them without hurting them.

    Thanks
    Malar
     
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  2. passionate89

    passionate89 Platinum IL'ite

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    Instead of wasting your time and privacy and money, you can start avoiding them like saying less petrol, over time working, urgent work at home etc. They will understand at some point in time atleast.. Even then if it continues you can diplomatically tell them the probs that you are facing cos of this...
     
  3. passionate89

    passionate89 Platinum IL'ite

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    Nothing will work out tell we make things clear.. Since they are not your hubby's close friends you can tell them directly or diplomatically instead of worrying about things and wasting money etc...
     
  4. amunique

    amunique Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    Nothing more than your own peace of mind and happiness in the first place.. so just find some excuses out to avoid them.. few times they will slowly understand...and you can get together if there is really a good enough occassion to both of you.. tc
     
  5. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Su,

    Even I thought about doing that, but my husband isnot ok with it, he says she is pregnant let us not worry them with this. I even hinted him about getting a license and a car, it will be useful in long run, but no improvement.
    I dont a misunderstanding with my husband because of this.

    Thanks
    malar.
     
  6. passionate89

    passionate89 Platinum IL'ite

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    Then Malar, the best idea would be for you people to use the bus for sometime and you can tell them that you car should be repaired etc..

    Yup she being pregnant you people should be helping them in certain situations what your husband tells is actually correct. But will affect your private life if you keep on helping them without giving a thought about you stuffs..
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    looks like you and your husband are not on the same page.

    first thing first.Do thing which is in your control i.e cooking food for them.Don't try to cook food and just think of some bread or some simple meals.Do something about they dropping by your house .you don't need your husband support.They defiantly using you guys.How come they can plan pregnancy without having car in hand?
     
  8. renutn

    renutn Gold IL'ite

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    @malarun.. this is what happens when you help someone thinking that they are new here ..and they will sit on top of you people :)
    I also came across these kind of people..dealing this issue is very tricky and sensitive...
    if you say something politely also they will take it badly.... now both u and ur DH is thinking why we helped this much to them :) hahaha LOL....pity on you...

    Okie jokes apart ...slowly slowly u guys take control of your life which till now was not urs and u guys given them freely ...like if they came and sit in ur house....say we are going out to one of our friend's house ..or relatives house...like that.... in such a white lie that they can't join u guys. ..if u say shopping ..they will come again :)
    if they sit at dinner time... u politely say to that girl ..i am having headache ..i will take rest and go to bedroom and acting like u r sleeping..and off course your DH will look after you and care for you...and ur friends feel bored and they will leave to their home...
    if once or twice you ignore and lead your life..hope they can understand and they will restrain in their life..
    do these tricks whenever you don't want them near u and ur husband ...

    Keep in mind it is you and your husband who got good nature of helping others...which is very good...humanity still exist... You guys like being social too..so handle this sensitive issue in a mature way..

    good luck
     
  9. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    God helps those people, who help themselves! You can help, but cannot go beyond your way, to help someone else when it causes inconvenience to you. Good luck!

    PS: I have been helped when I was new to this country, and I pass on the legacy, by settling my friends down, who are new here. I would let my closest of friends take me for granted, and I take them for granted as well, because they are my best buddies, and that place is reserved only for very few people.
     
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  10. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    when they come over for dinner, ask your DH to come and help you in the kitchen.Ask that guy to help you with activities at home.Soon they will realize that dinner is not free.Also once in a while leave them and go alone.If they ask tell them it is your private time and they can always take a cab for wherever they want to go.
     

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