Issue in marriage

Shanvy
Not talking abt this specific thread's bro and sis - but in general and in less egregious situations -
unless its extreme - the bro and sis dont have to alter their relationship as long as its a healthy one. The new lady will also need to do her part to take time to understand the family and cannot do a "i am possessive" drama. Less drama, better.

 

Hello Bhav,

Really sad to hear your story.

Whatever the situation had been in the family when you got married, you crossed a line when you made the allegations regarding your husband and your SIL.

It's a very difficult and bitter thought for any family to swallow and forgive you.

And just thinking from their perspective if you said these things in public or to some of their relatives and it got back to her husband would it not affect her family.

And if they did accept your apologies and let you back and then if you did the same in public again. You see they are afraid of your thoughts and actions which have the potential to spoil their lives forever.

It's safer for them to close this chapter of your lives together then to risk having you as a part of their family

Your best case scenario would be to get best legal help and get back the expenses and your jewellery etc and have an annulment where neither of you are at fault.

I feel really very sorry for you Bhav. I can understand that you do not have the strong emotional support, but quite frankly your allegations make it difficult for any reconciliation.

Please please close this chapter and move on. Close it first and then finish grieving. Set realistic expectations you will find your life partner when you are ready.

Please read Shanvy Maams post I could not say it better please be calm and get of this situation first.

I wish you peace
Mani

 

I'm really sorry for what you are going through..what's is done is done and I feel they have done enough to punish you. It was totally wrong to send t divorce notice without talking to you or your family. But it's not going to be easy at all esp proving you are mad!! That is ridiculous..you have a successful job and they just can't prove it. Don't give up and fight it till the end. Just one small advice never ever in future send such messages as they are permanently record that can be used and manipulated against you. If you can pls apologies to your SIL cz this was very wrong and irrespective of how this goes let t family know that you are sorry for what happened..
Hope things get better soon..praying for you...

 

Always go by gut instinct, I know certain behaviour is unacceptable or improper. Here the problem lies elsewhere. Is there enough love friendship or caring involved to keep a marriage going. Does both partners want the marriage enough. What are the priorities of both spouses for the long run. You need to introspect. You will find the answers yourself. Heed your heart you'll be led.

 

Oh Ragini25 don't we say manidhargal palavidam ovva onnum oru vidam(man comes in different hues , every one a specimen..literal translation is so hard)..so a little caution to preserve the bro-sis relationship for eternity instead of putting it through doldrums because somebody objects to it...i personally feel nothing wrong in showing a different stroke of a brush to her..nothing more.

 

I might be the only dissenter here.
Sure, OP made a serious mistake accusing her DH and his sister. It appears to have been the culmination of many incidents and neglect by her DH since their marriage. Who takes their whole tribe along on a honeymoon?
Unfortunately she handed the perfect ammunition to her in-laws who seem not to have liked her much anyways. The gutless worm she married behavied like an obedient sheep. The punishment is totally out of proportion to the crime. At this point there is nothing left to salvage and the OP will be well rid of this unworthy bunch.
However, don't go down quietly. You don't have to stoop to their level. But make sure your rights and interests are protected. If you gave jewels, dowry or spent your hard earned money for the wedding document it and try to get back your fair share. Also hit back hard against the accusation of madness. Get the best lawyer you can afford, and only communicate with your in laws through the lawyer. No more going to their house, begging or pleading.
Once they see that they cannot bully you they might be more careful.
Chalk this down to a bitter lesson learned, and see how you can best come out of it and move on.

 

Well, not quite the only one!

The OP does come across bit immature, even in her posts here but then with a bit of luck, she will probably grow out of it. A lot depends on what exactly she said when this quarrel was at its peak and how she said it. I can understand the family being shocked and hurt.

However, marriage vows have to mean something. If we care so little for the sanctity of marriage, then there's no point in wading through the ceremonial. So called elders who encourage their son (or daughter) to exit so casually and unilaterally, deserve no respect.

OP lashed out. Why? She would not do that to her boss at work. What allowed this impulsive display? Apart from a measure of immaturity, it is a misplaced confidence in the bond of marriage, the illusion that it could not be dissolved so easily, that she had some 'right' to her expectations as a wife and member (albeit new) of the family. Saner minds should have prevailed. I think it should be possible to sit her down and lay out for her the mores of her new family. It should be possible to point out to her the error (and bad taste) of her outburst, while reassuring her about her own complaints.

All that may not be easy. What ought to make it possible is the notion that a marriage is a sacred bond, not to be broken at will. This would be my expectation of a family 'elder'. To toss a young woman's life aside so remorselessly, for what was essentially a childish blunder is equally unforgivable. I despise these people.

OP, fight hard for what is owed you, cut them off right away, avail of every legal redress open to you. Consult a psychologist, learn about managing anger, about interpersonal communication, take a course in negotiation, read some of the vast literature on the subject. Make something good out of this. Come out of it a better person. This husband is one not worth having - not in his current incarnation anyway.

The family revealed its true colors very early. Consider yourself lucky. I know you may not see it that way now. My hope is that in the long run you will.

Good Luck!

 

@laks09, @rihana

I wish to take all that @bahv has written about the brother sister relationship with a pinch of salt. (though i know of incest that is common..infact i think there was this post to a old thread i was subscribed couple of days back..that said that a lady felt so great smooching her brother and being felt by her brother..i cant trace that post....) all said i think the saree draping helping was in a marriage function..and he draping could be helping in the fall of a saree rather than what we all are assuming.. (well sometimes we try to look or picture at extremities..owing to the way it is written) and i even mentioned how it could have been handled better by the op.

and i also believe there is more to the whole story, than the one sided version from op.

why my dd @laks09, my ds does not like anybody entering and disturbing his privacy while he is dressing and we respect it, and that is what we have been teaching them..so i can understand what you people are saying..but then, i have also seen a case where, allowing the grown up son(18 yr old) into the room while the mom stands in her bra and petticoat (yes i was witness to it and i was not ok...just because i saw that i cannot say that there was a incestuous relationship btw the two..well their dynamics differ, and if i was in the first flush of marriage and see this i could or may have thought the way op felt.but i would not have blurted it..sometimes silence helps.. and i would have lost a great friend who has my back always.)

I believe the situation has heated up only after she started getting across in a way that he had to choose between helping his sister whose kid was sick, or pick her up and not go to help.and then accuse him of a incestuous relationship.we can all argue till the crows come home, but then it is done with and over.

@sokanasanah has said most of what i wanted to say. there is a immature handling of issues by op and her in-laws too.

it is so blatantly seen when there is another lady of the same age who has handled the situation better and has posted her experience here. again, it all boils down to her own experiences, exposures and understanding..

so what is done is done.

My heart goes out for the op, for the way the whole thing has been handled by both sides. a little matured understanding and open communication and a heart to heart discussion without accusing, screaming or shouting would have worked, me wonders?? or is there more to the whole story even on the husband's side...

we can only think so much from what is presented...

so i rest my argument, on this.