Ishq Wala Love V/s Emotional Blackmail Love

Sure, this sort of thing is painful. I can see that! There is some peculiar calculation by which it is acceptable to take one's wife for granted, but not others.

If it does not come naturally, all the more reason to cultivate it; but I am sure you do have the talent, especially at work. Otherwise, you would have been fired by now. Whether he turns toward you or not is ultimately something you cannot control. How you express your needs, priorities, and dissatisfactions is something you can. When you stay within your locus of control, you assert power; when you test the boundaries occasionally (and skilfully!), you may enrich the relationship; stray too far beyond, then you project weakness and invite frustration.

Adults must learn to distinguish between their feelings and the impulse to express them right away. It is rather like learning to hold your bowels; toddlers eventually figure it out. It is not necessary to speak what you feel right when you feel it. Nor is it necessary to express it with the same intensity that you feel it. It is not the expression that matters. What you feel needs to be expressed in a way that it gets you what you want. If not, you squander the degrees of freedom that you do have. Good editing is essential to good living.

 

When things are like this, I don't think your straight forwardness, honest and short temper can help you anyway to turn your husband towards you.
More so, your H is like someone who falls for drama than the truth.
So, the only option left for you to save your sanity is to act smart and a little tactful to get things done.
Remember, in a marriage, specially in an Indian setting you need to give lots of weight to the grey areas. There is nothing black and white here.

Your H lies to you, and goes with his folks to attend a wedding. It doesn't purely mean he doesn't value his time with you. It doesn't mean he has no love for you. Perhaps, it means he is compelled to give up on his plans with you to obey his parents.
Because, he is raised this way.
He is raised to believe that it is OK to take his wife for granted, it is ok to give up on your likes, but it is NOT ok to disrespect parents or go against their words.
He is raised from the childhood to obey his parents no matter what, and treat them as equal to Gods. So, he believes, it is a curse to disrespect them.
Also, he witness how his dad takes his mom for granted. How his uncles takes their wives for granted, yet these women in his family has no qualm. They adjust, accept it and still love and respect their husbands. So, these men like your H believe it is OK to take these wives for granted. You can always make up their disappointment, anger and frustrations later (by giving Halwa!!).

If you are a patient wife, with loads of understanding about his issues, he would have been open with you about all these arrangements. He would have asked your suggestion to face this problem together.
Because he too equally miss the quality time/intimacy/love and everything with his wife, just as you!!!

But he knows his wife is very straight forward person; thus she will blast at him should he be honest with her.
So, he lied. Because this is what most convenient for him that time.
He would have been lied again and again until he is caught red handed.
Once caught red handed, their only reaction would be to fight back and twist the fight into something else to escape the blame or show a puppy face to prove their innocence.
Both are dangerous, as we wives wouldn't be comfortable dragging the confrontation when they are like this.

This becomes a cycle!!!

If he won't change (looks like there is no hope), better you be the change.
Be patience, and accept your man as who he is.
Don't confront, don't judge but see his problems through his eyes. Be with him and understand his side of the problems.
Once you are there for him, he would be more comfortable to share his problems with you.
Once you two are one, it is easy to confront the enemy.

 

Not only a waste of time. An effort to mend ways with in laws would be counter productive too.

They will not trust the genuineness of you.

 

Op, Would it help if I told you that I don't know any financial details (meaning bank a/c numbers, actual balances , investments) of Dh even though I am a finance professional! Even though I believe that me & Dh have a very good relationship! Sometimes men think that they don't necessarily need wives advice on financial matters... In our case, Dh is quite good with handling finances ..I don't bother him with this stuff since I don't think I need to, as simple as that ..

Maybe he will eventually tell you,but first get comfortable in other (ILs) aspects ..just be happy with little achievements & don't expect everything at once!

 

Dear OP,

Just as much as you need support he might be needing the same. The tactic of withdrawing and making husband realise sometime may work and sometime it might backfire. Be careful.

I suggest here to make things simple.
Not all things wil happen as your wish. Be prepared for this.

A guy who is attached to his parents and have followed parents guidance for all the things in life wil always be inclined towards them.

When the bonding between two of you becomes strong. He will share everything wid u. Wait for it. Work on the love and bonding.

Marriage if percieved as a kind of contract like.. I gave u this much but what have u given me.. is doomed to fail. The day u both feel at ease in each other's company will be the day when u can be sure it will last.

Good luck