Is There A Line, That You Don't Cross In Marriage?

You seem as a sensitive girl. I am pretty sensitive too but it is not a good quality to have especially in struggling marriage. I feel the same as you. My husband crosses the line when fighting. He will go to the depths of the ocean when he gets angry. I on the other hand always watch what I say. Coz I know spoken words cannot be taken back and since I have decided to remain in the marriage no matter what just hurting the other party won't do me any good. So I bear with it. It's up to both parties to watch their words. I have gotten so much hurt in our fights that I don't stress about his words anymore. It is like giving him and his orthodox mentality a lot of importance. Plus staying in the marriage anyway. Nothing can change that. So why bother about words and fights that make u feel worse. If for some reason if I decide to walk out, I will make sure I cross all limits in demeaning him.

 

I mean what and when I say. But won't say a lot of things coz it may make the relationship irreparable. As for him, he says the most nasty things coz he is really immature to think that the relationship can not go into a downward spiral. He does not think like I do. Or maybe the break up would not hurt him much. I feel I am the mature one. In the end, staying in the marriage for the society and my kids. So it does not matter even if I am hearing of nasty things inspite of my committed labor towards him and this marriage. So really depends on the other persons mental set up. I just don't want to make life more difficult for myself. Like I said, not all your thoughts need to spill out through words. Atleast I keep the worst ones to myself!

 

My hubby too talks very hurtful when angry . At that particular time i wont shout back .but i used to feel very irritated .
Now i have totally stopped giving importance to his words . Infact to any person words in this world except my daughter .
None should be able to bring our confidence down . We should give the key to our mind to any person in tgis world. We cane alone to tgis universe alone . We ll leave alone . In between i want to live happily and dont want to care about what others say

 

BhumiBabe,
I like your screen name. No, I do not think that there's 'crossing a line' in the vast majority of marriages on earth. But a good marriage will have a communication, love and respect from the beginning years and will be able to survive or ignore the hurtful comments of the two persons involved.
But there are some pretty down-the-drain marriages, where the two individuals say hateful things quite often and both parties feel hurt. There are some marriages where talking like that is a norm.
People say hateful things all the time to strangers and people around them, at work. Slights, remarks, put downs, rage filled yelling, are not unheard of.
Marriage can be treated as a sanctuary from this world, but only if both party agree and more importantly they feel the need to create a sanctuary from this rage-infused world.
If there is no need, or there is disconnect, then the marriage will have ugly fights or slights or insults and put downs. Many are living in this kind of marriages. You can decide if you want to act with grace and for how long..
I would say, keep reminding yourself to act with grace, to keep your cool etc. You have power only over yourself. Remove yourself from a fight that he starts. If you start a fight, just don't let it escalate, leave suddenly and go to bathroom. Fighting is not going to solve anything. Keep a note on fridge to remind yourself. If you say some ugly things, it is not the end of world, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. But try not to say any ugly things since you are a kind of person who believes in good karma and not saying bad stuff.

 

There are no words or sentences. It is the context and the person themselves. Like if you make fun of a handicapped person about their handicap it hurts them very badly. Similarly, if you tease a person who has been often subject to bad comments about their skintone, about their color, it offends them really bad. Sometimes, you might not even have really meant it, but still it does not go well. Like I once asked this dark-complexioned girl about another girl and I mentioned "She looks black"(the girl I referred to was actually very dark-complexioned, almost bordering to super dark-complexion so I used that word), what I meant was she is dark-complexioned, not thinking much, I said this to her. The girl herself is dark-complexioned, so though I did not abuse anyone in that context, she took it badly. She made it a point to take a dig at me because of that. It is not a particular word, but the situation+person+word that makes the difference. And not just that, the reaction also varies depending on the same. As for me, I am very careful when I use words, never use literal translations, I take care to use the right language as much as I can.

 

Crossing a line really depends on the kind of relationship we share with each other and how much you understand each other. For example, DH when angry says a few things - he does not mean it. I know that. So I have learnt to ignore his words when he is angry. when I am angry I say a lot too. He ignores it. At the end of the day - his parents, his brothers, my side ppl - all become outsiders. DH and I are the ones to deal with each other. And we remember that we are a team raising two kids. So we have no time and reason to think about what we spoke when we were angry.
All of us are humans. Emotions run high at times - nothing wrong in that. But we can always control how we choose to react after the emotions are cooled down. We can choose to remember the words spoken in anger and spoil our time. Or try and ignore the words but try to understand what triggered that reaction and act such that the situation does not come up again and even if it comes up , it does with less intensity.
All this does not happen over night. Needs a LOT of patience and perseverance towards building a relationship.
Ours is inter-religion love marriage. It was all super duper rosy before wedding. After marriage we were fighting each day - yes EACH DAY.
There was a day when we were almost exploring divorce. During that time we had a function at home and BIL was introducing me to some relatives and said, "She comes from different religion and culture, yet she understands us so well. Shes is here only from past 6 months - and she understands us so well - am sure she knows my bro through and through and they are such a happy couple"
It was hard to believe that I know him. It was hard for him to believe that he knew me well. Just like in a movie - the whole of the function we were just staring at each other.
We sat down that night and wondered where we went wrong. We were best friends. We love each other so much. We did so much for each other. It was clear that we were not giving each other space. We wanted to be there in every thing that relates to one another. Like I chose his clothes, he chose my hair cuts - it looked and sounded "Cute" but it was suffocating, at least for us.

That's when we realized the reason for fights , the word we spoke, the emotions being high all the time.

We then decided to give each other some space - I never involve in his parties and friends and I trust that he is an adult and he can handle himself. He does not involve in my friends, my clothes and my style - he understands that I don't need his help and that I am an adult myself.
But both of us know we are there for each other - and always will be. We remember where we started this journey from. We know how much we fought with both sets of relatives and his parents to get married to one another.
Shame on us if we fail to prove that we truly love each other - on a daily basis.
12 years of marriage now. With 2 beautiful kids. We still talk about our early days of marriage. We tell the newly wedded about how life changes when we start living under the same roof.
Things are all beautiful when you meet for a few hours in a day. But when you are living together - the reality comes alive - the lazy side shows up - that's the challenge in the marriage - to be able to accept and live with certain reasonable negatives of one another.

 

OP,
My H said "get out of the house" couple of times. To me, that is crossing the line. He later says that he was angry when he said and that he didnt really mean it. What the ****!! First time i felt really really hurt and took it very seriously. Seriously thought of seperating. But ,i too say hurtful things when in fight. He never forgets those. He stays sad thinking about what i said and in next fight says that I anyway dont feel for him anymore and that its ok to D.
In this age, i dont think by staying calm you can communicate that you are hurt. Instead, it sends a message that you take the blame. As long as you communicate about how you feel, it is not crossing the line. The minute you dictate about others next course of action, then that is def crossing the line.

 

So nobody in your house ever said that to their spouse? Just asking out of curiousity.