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is it OK to commit for this..please suggest..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by arthy999, Sep 1, 2009.

  1. arthy999

    arthy999 New IL'ite

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    hi
    we are currently in the process of finalizing a groom for me..
    but the groom is working in US.and seems like he will not be in a position to visit india until the wedding...he cant even come for engagement..
    we did all the background checks and everything seems fine.
    and have seen him through pics and webcam..
    is it a good idea to commit to this alliance without seeing the groom inperson.
    i have heard people doing it...but how practical it is..
    please advise..am confused..

    Moderator : Please READ the latest post by the OP herself, on the last page of the thread before RESPONDING. Thanks !
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2009
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  2. ALPA

    ALPA Platinum IL'ite

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    hi dear,

    you need to be in constant communication with him and talk to him be yourself and talk to him everyday, have an open communication and do not be shy to ask anything or reply to anything he asks you. TO get to know the pesron better you need to have an open communication, you will then see his good and bad side, his moods and so on.
    hope this helps
    love
    alpa:cheers


     
  3. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    Its a tricky situation. I personally know a few of my friends who got married this way and they are all very happy:) But in this age, I would be very careful in my choices. If I was you this is what I would do.

    1. Reserve a hall on 2-3 days that seems feasible for both of you. Ask the guy to come to India, atleast few days before the actual wedding. You take some time to meet him, get an opinion whether you like the way he looks, talks and whether you feel comfortable to live your entire life with the guy. After that, go ahead with the wedding on the planned days.

    2. Otherwise, like suggested try to know more about him, about his choices, his friends, how he spends his time, how he interacts with your family etc.

    It all boils down to how comfortable both of you are with each other to commit to a lifelong relationship without spending personal time with each other.
     
  4. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Arthy,

    I understand your fears.. With all the horrible stories happening..

    But then, meeting him in person would make you arrive at what decision about him ? What are your fears ? You mean, physical ? Lower limbs.. I mean what is it ?

    If you mean, interacting directly with him will help you judge about him.. then I dont know well that is ! Respite knowing a person for lott of years, dont we see few marriages, failing ? So, dont be sure to know everything or even something at a couple or more meetings..

    As Alpa said, do all that you can virtually.. Keep in touch with him everyday. Do not speak about just marriage preparations, what happened to some aunties and uncles, what happened to your neighbour, instead do character analysing of him and you and together, to ANY GIVEN SITUATION.
    What would he or you do, if something similar had happened.
    What is his daily routine..
    Wether he prefers this kind of food, lifestyle, socialising and so much more..
    Wether he is any different from what you are .. and if you would be able to cope with such a person / characters .. If it is very small, then how well do you think you can manage it - You see some retrospection will help too ! :)

    Please keep things like which colour do you like the most, out of conversations..
    Things as what he is obssessed about or loves to do , you must be aware..

    Whatever, it should NEVER be a viva .. and never be one sided..

    You need to talk your heart about anything and everthing.. There will be few days in our life, were we just prefer to be silly ! :) Wether he finds it stupid and cuts you off or wether he just laughs like a kid with you !

    You need to let him know your atitude, life style and friends.. Also about his parents, how they are etc etc.. though you wont be living with them, I guess.. you will be in contact with them isnt ?

    If you fear about his proffesional side, I assume you would have checked on which company he works for and also if he is a consultant, about the company he is from India..

    So, dont get into too much of apprehensions and fear things, at the same time.. DO NOT HESITATE TO THINK TWICE TO STOP THE WEDDING, IF YOU COME ACCROSS ANY RED FLAGS ! Do not get into a marriage respite troubles and heartaches, assuming things will become alright after marriage.. When it started off before marriage because of external influence etc.. it wont change ever !!

    So, take care and enjoy the period of courting with lots of romance and understanding ! :)

    Best Wishes !! :thumbsup
     
  5. pals

    pals New IL'ite

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    Use Skype to regularly chat with him - That can come closest to you seeing him and talking to him as well. Have you been able to get any references for him? Always good to have someone who know him vouch for him - esp the person who is in US and interacts with this groom on a regular basis
     
  6. mlk2009

    mlk2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    If you have cousins in US, tell them to go and visit him once and report back to you. The same thing happened to my cousin and when they saw him in person he was looking like a school boy (In photos and webcam, he looked mature and grown up) and now they both look like elder sister and younger brother and she has lost her peace of mind ....
     
  7. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Arthy, it would be advisable to meet in person to know at least physical attributes which are also imp I guess for you or anyone in marriage , skpe, webcam, internet, all may not help, you may build a image but when you see in person may either get shocked or surprised, either positive or negative, it depends, its a chance you are taking. it depends what commitment are you making, if he comes down to india and you dont like him in first look, would you go ahead? as all preparations would have been done and all. also from grooms side I am little surprised, if you cannot visit US, why cannot he visit India and see how his bride looks and you can see how he looks
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2009
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I would never do so.. Simple..

    I will give you one of my own experience. It was top shot IFS officer in Delhi. They seemed too interested and wanted to finish everything quickly.

    My dad insisted on meeting the groom in person. First they put lots of excuses that he was away abroad, could nt come and what not. My dad said.. If he cannt come for lifetime decision.. We also dont have time to commit for life for him.. Finally guy appeared.. He seemed to have different length for each leg. So he had this obvious limp, which they first tried to hide by not making guy walk and what not..

    My dad just got up and came back... I must say... Never commit anything to someone who is not havign time to even value it..

    ria
     
  9. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Ria, I agree to you, Its a big risk, why would a person who is getting married not want to go and visit , such a big decision of life, I know a friend whose sister got married to someone in US, arranged marriage, but the boy was hasty, he said he has 7 days to get married once he comes to India , so to decide fast, after 2 years their marriage failed, not due to looks or something, my friend tells he is a womaniser and accuses and abuses his wife, now his sister lives single with a vow not to get married again.

    Haste in marriage is not good, nothing is predictable for sure, even if you keep meeting someone marriages fail, but that is different, here the story is different. It would be wise to meet in person and have a talk.
     
  10. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev,
    I agree its better to meet in person.

    However one thing - the story you gave above could have happened even if they met in person. Because a lot of times such info only comes out after marriage (in arranged marriage esp). and background check only goes so far before marriage.
     

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