Is it emotional abuse?

skalluri · Aug 4, 2014

I am feeling helpless and thus approaching you for your advice. I am not able to control my emotions at times because I got too disturbed by my husband's behavior. I dont know what I am facing is emotional abuse or not.

LIttle background: He is gentleman and well behaved person but he faced lot of family problems (with elder brother), he lost his both parents during the turmoil phase with his brothers, I understand his situation very well and thus dont disturb him and listen to him caring, he has very aggressive nature, I am a sensitive person, I too have my own problems with my family as my brother going through divorce and father passed away due to worry on my brother. mother very much depressed with situations.

I am a sensitive person, now and then he shows his aggressiveness on me especially when I want to share my concerns, fears, loneliness etc. he doesn't give lending ear, even if he listens for my sake, at the end of my conversation he becomes restless and abuses me emotionally that I dont know how to handle my situations and always want the hypothetical situations to happen( ex.1. I tell my concerns that his family doesn't care me morally, all I need is moral strength from them, 2. with no family and friends around me here in USA, I sometimes feel unsecured and lonely, we have only one son who is 10 years old now, he doesn't have friends nearby, no matter I call couple of friends to set up play date, they dont show much interest because they already get engaged or have friends or whatever..) I tell these kind of concerns, after listening he starts with "why do you have loneliness when I don't have" ,"why do you complain".. he will not be in listening mood and if I extend my conversation (never raised my voice) he feels offended as if I am not respecting his words ,later I calm down and suppress my feelings as I don't want to make it mess. If I talk in his frequency of topics he likes and talks jovial but cannot understand my feelings and support me morally. At times he even said loneliness is my own problem, he has nothing to do with it and I have to deal with it.

How should I handle my emotions. I feel like I am helpless as he doesn't help me and top of it he abuses and takes my concerns as complaints. I always tell him I am a woman , I need emotional support and I want to vent out.. now I feel like it is waste to talk him. I already faced anxiety, depression in the past after my delivery for some years continuously because of no help here and because of family situations. now with even small disturbance I am not able to take it anymore because I am NOT a kind of person who fight or yell to make others accept me.

what should I do?

SK.

FromMars · Aug 5, 2014

If he thinks loneliness is your own problem, then make it his problem. Don't provide anything he expects from you. Then it will be his own problem if he doesn't get food, care or anything else right?

But what do YOU want? Do you want to move back to India? Do you want to go for a job?

Between husband and wife, there is no my own problem.

If a child was lonely and depressed and sad, will the parent say, "Its your own problem. Deal with it."

Won't we find a solution.

Then why is it the case when it comes to the spouse.

Make him realize that.

But think about possible solutions, if you were the sole decision maker. Then, think about how to convince him to implement the solution.

yellowmango · Aug 5, 2014

Dear Op...just read one of your older thread.Is it possible that you may be suffering from depression post the passing of your father?Have you talked to a doctor about this?

skalluri · Aug 5, 2014

I am already job holder, busy person handling household chores and shopping and job, but at times I miss the intimacy with friends, felt like isolated with no social life especially when think about my son.
I dont want want to go to India but want to have good friends circle which I am striving hard but not getting. all are just only acquaintances

FromMars said: ↑

But what do YOU want? Do you want to move back to India? Do you want to go for a job?

.
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skalluri · Aug 5, 2014

thanks for your concern, yes I went through depression when my father passed away as my brother divorce added more worry. I went to counseling and I am able to control my emotions regarding that as I am in acceptance mode now. Yes past may have impact on me and thus not able to fight with loneliness which leads to frustration and my DH doesn't want to share that pain.

yellowmango said: ↑

Dear Op...just read one of your older thread.Is it possible that you may be suffering from depression post the passing of your father?Have you talked to a doctor about this?
Click to expand...

FromMars · Aug 5, 2014

Can you move to a different neighborhood in your city where you can have better friends? Maybe to a different city in US.

Like they say, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity. Do something different which will make your situation better.

JustLikeYou · Aug 5, 2014

Dear OP,

Your husband is partially correct in saying that loneliness is your problem. He may think that you are not considering him as a company. You did mention that if you talk to him in his frequency he is jovial. So, may be he is trying. Try to find out why exactly you feel lonely. You may be surrounded with 100 people and still feel lonely.

Are you bored without any hobbies or activities? If so, can you cultivate some hobbies or passion? Can you get some job?

What is your fear? Why are you feeling insecure? Find an answer to this questions first. You may have fear for no apparent reason and you may feel insecure for no particular reason. May be you saying fear and insecurity makes him get scared too.
Not having family is very typical with most women who gets married and move with husband whether it's US or any place within India. Atleast you speak the language spoken here. See how other women cope with such situations.
Not having friends, can you make some new friends? I am sure making a buddy now may not be easy like college or teenage days but sure you can get some companionship. See you can find some like minded people around. Dont be scared to make friends from diverse groups.

Also, bear in mind, your h himself has undergone pretty traumatic events. You being woman, more compassionate and caring lend your ears to his problems. Him being a man would rather do something to solve your problem than listen to you.

This applies to me too. When i say my husband that i want/need this, it happens faster (i wont say he would drop what he is doing ) than expecting him to be my vent.

Lastly, like YM suggested, check with a doc to see if you have depression.

skalluri · Aug 5, 2014

thank you for boosting me morally . it helps a lot.

dhanush said: ↑

SK,
I can say that I understand your situation a little bit. I will give you somepractical advices, the one that worked for me.
1. Music helps. It is highly underrated, but listening to uplifting music makesyou feel better (please do not listen to dark songs)
2. If you drive, go out with your son (summer, school off), to library orcoffee shops. The loneliness of the house is depressing, you would have peoplearound. Go to a mall (but don’t spend on useless things, that will becomeanother point of tiff). Be around people, strangers, even if you do not knowthem. GYM etc are other good things
3. Actively play with your son. His game would be boring, but bring yourself toit, within 3-4 days, you would start liking it. Be in his world, he may want tobe superman or Spiderman, let him be and ask him what he wants you to be. Goalong with the pretending game.
4.Watch America got talent/Britain got talent - emotional moments etc. Theseare all stories about human triumph, how a small man/women came along and got aplace for themselves. Their success and smile will make you feel better. Youcan probably see yourself in them and know in the end it will be all OK, allright, nothing bad will happen to you.

5.Read the good posts in Indualadies. Life has been tough, I have been cominghere for last many years to read the good posts (like will you marry yourhusband again or when/how you met first etc etc). It will make you feel goodand hopeful. Personally I would avoid the dark posts. Of course those peopleneed help and someone has to read and advice. It is for the brave, not for meand I suspect not for you.

6. Do not engage is a negative metaphor/framework of your problem likeemotional abuse. It only confuses the issue and makes it bad than it actuallyis. As you wrote, your husband has gone through a lot. (speculation alert) -Maybe when you talk about your issues, somehow he is reminded of his own. Whowants to know about the uncomfortable things in life. Your husband will mostprobably give his life if needed for you (he may though not lend you an ear!!).So it is not that he is emotionally abusing, he is running away from from anuncomfortable situation, albeit it is of his wife and moreover it reminds himof his own misery.
This though does not solve your problem. You still want to be heard. I do notknow the trick. You may soon find many people commenting - yes your husband isabusive, leave him, divorce him yada yada, hopefully some lady who has faced asimilar situation may come along and give a practical advice. But let me giveyou another suggestion that has worked for me - Read on --
7. I see from your icon - you believe in Mother. I am myself a very religiousperson. I do many vratas (in US, in 21st century, half of my friends think thatI am from a different planet), but when I have a problem that I cannot solve Irush to friends, people, forum, spouse, parents, sibling...Have you ever turnedto God? I have (only since last many months and I am 40 years). Many situationsI have put from my heart to Him/Her and miracle!! it has solved itself (in waysI could have never solved it). I can go on and on, but whatever I say will notmake a difference unless you experience it yourself. Sit in front of MotherGodess (Or God) and offer your problem and ask for direction/solution. Do itfrom the deep of your heart, make it 100 times more real than it would be ifyou were talking to your husband and then experience the result. I have askedhim many things and that have actually happened (yes, becoming PM of India orPresident of world etc. I have not yet asked). Just the act of saying yourproblem, and believing your are being heard will be enough. Moreover I doubtyour husband is superman, he can hear your problem, but who knows how much ofit he can solve. The Lord, he/she creates universes just by thinking, ourproblem is small.

8. You have the solution already, it is your signature. I was very low today,asking Him, why is he doing this to me (knowing fully well that it must be mykarma getting back) and paralyzed into inaction (of not doing what I must, tostop something bad from happening, even if it happens, it is His will). I wasvery confused until I read (This is how Krishna helped me today) -
God, grant me the serenity to accept thethings that Icannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom toknow the difference.
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poovai · Aug 5, 2014

OP,

It is one of the drawback of living in foreign place.

You could be living among a big family, but still you can feel lonely in your mind, not attached with people. You have to accept the present life.

Based on your post, you both experienced a lot in life. Because of his background, your DH has go getter attitude and does not like clinging nature of his DW. Your are looking for more from your DH. I cannot say, it is an abuse or not. But, I do sense a personality difference.

This what I do for kid...

Enroll your son in school activities like tennis, taekwondo, music band to keep him busy. Regularly, send him for activities with friends on weekends. It does take involvement with other parents, in scheduling activities such as car pooling after school activities, bowling, movies, outing to video game places, birthday parties etc. Of course, you need to do chaperoning or driving others kids

Participate in your local temple and local community activities (like college reunion, regional language based org.) along with your family. You will meet families with your son's age group, also.

It is up to you as a mom/wife, to fill in the void in your life.

pear · Aug 5, 2014

Dear friend,

1. 'Count your blessings name them one by one it will surprise you what the lord has done'
May be this magic line can improve your mood.

2. Sending your son to hobby classes can help him happily engage himself and find friends.

3. Invite your sons friends for small treats(from school & hobby classes )this will give you a window into thier world.

4. 10 Years is a good time to learn music (just a suggestion)

5. Join local indian community without bothering about language.(its fun to have diff state people in one big tag india).Join in all sort of diff festival celebrations including all religious ones.Learn about the festival ,dress and join the fun.No point in being choosy .

6. Sit down and write down what you expect from a companion .You can solve more problems by this method (it connects soul & mind).Then seek your friend from there.

hope my suggestions help

Best wishes.