Is husband /ILs really the Problem or are we being stupid?

friendlygirl · Jul 16, 2013

The following thread made me think....

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/r...ws/224905-husband-really-mommas-boy-wife.html

The fact that we are seeing so many issues with husbands / in laws etc...inspite of getting good education and exposure. Is it because the ILs/husbands are sooper smart or are we being extremely stupid?

We hear about husband problems and il problems a lot but we still for some reason chose to ignore and not look at these things before marriage...why is that?thoughts?:coffee

Minara · Jul 17, 2013

Yes, we are being stupid.. Despite knowing about IL issues exist from long before we're about to be married, when we enter into married life, we walk in dreaming about the "mother-daughter"/"father/daughter" moments we have with our MIL/FIL.. We dream about the "perfect life" with our perfect husband.. and we dream about the happy smiles we're all going to share among the family.. and we continue to dream about the perfectly harmonious relationship we share with the extended family of our DH too!

And then reality strikes us real bad... and here we are venting it out here..

anugamit · Jul 17, 2013

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sweetshreya · Jul 17, 2013

Yes we are stupid. Because we try to fit into 'their' image of an ideal DIL. The day we decide to stick to our convictions and refuse to budge for other people's expectations, we will become our own role models.

silvertulip · Jul 18, 2013

I never thought before marriage that people like my MIL do exist on this earth! I will say it's not being stupid, we hear things but we never expect that something like that can happen to us in marriage. I never imagined that I will get such controlling, nagging, double standard and irritating MIL after marrying my DH!
So, my mantra for my MIL - Never meet ur MIL's expectations, coz her expectations never end (if u meet some of them, more will come up) and u will be given lectures anyways, no matter what u do. So be what u are rather than trying to please ur in-laws by being something u don't what to be!

sunshine1970 · Jul 18, 2013

I went into my marriage with total blindness and a deer in the headlights scenario. I am a lawyer so school wise I was quite intelligent, when it came to my marriage is was completely stupid and naive. I assumed we would be one big happy family and my IL would treat my like gold and I them. I went in with a clean heart and was side swiped by all the bickering, complaints and gossip. They left no stone unturned to turn my DH against me and my family, I could not figure out why, I kept thinking if only they got to know me better, I am not like this. Years later after coin a lot of therapy I discovered that my MIL was jelous of me and would never accept or validate me. It took years for me to gain respect and love of my husband and to create a happy family. My point here is we as women wish for the best and expect the best and if we are not prepared for the worst it can be devastating. I even went into depression at cruel treatment by IL. It is important to be smart about it and treat people with the respect and love they give you. Just because they are in laws does not give them passport to abuse and hurt you.Girls need to get therapy and help if they are in this situation.

satyasrinivas80 · Jul 18, 2013

sunshine1970,
You sum it up really well!

Before my marriage, I used to say my parents and ILs are same but my mom used to warn me that no In-laws are In-laws and parents are parents. WOW! I had to get married to figure out the truth in my mom's words. I also faced as any new bride faces. Our remote control is in my MIL's hand, and whatever she does or says my husband makes sure that it reflects on me.

friendlygirl · Jul 18, 2013

the reason i brought this up is because ....my mom suffered ans still suffers MIL problem because she stayed in a joint family..i have seen what it is to see as far as mil issue is concerned...

when my best friend was about to get married (she was brought up in a nuclear family) to a person who expected her to stay in a joint family. her ils during that time was very nice but still managed to make snide remarks and demand subtly this and that. I noticed this and since she being her best friend...warned her about this and told her to talk to her fiance that time to move out after the marriage. My bf got wild and told that thought i was jealous...and dint know what i was talking (since i wasn't married that time). i told her stories about my mom and also realized that her dh was mamma's boy ....

she never took me seriously and guess what from day 1 she has been suffering...she wanted to get away but her dh was not ready ....she had a baby immediately...
their marriage was breaking..and then her husband got a project in US and she was happy...things were getting back to normal even though her husband was still talking to his mom 5 times everyday...but atleast she was not there in person to trouble her.
but hedecided to go back and she stayed back here with her son ....

the reason i shared this is because i have seen this happen over and over and wonder what we could do to make girls aware???? an aberration is ok but a pattern...we need to break that....

the other reason i feel bad is because due to this whole issue...she is no longer in touch with me and i feel bad about this...to realize that a girls soul can be crushed soi much ...hurts me worries me..

it looks like we all know the answers but still we suck up ... we are educated and aware but still women take stupid decisions many times...what i really ish is that atleast after we find out that we have taken the wrong decision we need to stand up for ourselves instead many time we suck up, accept and move on...

why?

anyways...thanks ladies foe reading my ramblings....i know this is the best place to share my thoughts and can vent without having to wporry about being judged.

tcbhuvana · Jul 18, 2013

yes their expectations will never end and if even we work hard for the whole lifetime, we CANNOT please them.

silvertulip said: ↑

I never thought before marriage that people like my MIL do exist on this earth! I will say it's not being stupid, we hear things but we never expect that something like that can happen to us in marriage. I never imagined that I will get such controlling, nagging, double standard and irritating MIL after marrying my DH!
So, my mantra for my MIL - Never meet ur MIL's expectations, coz her expectations never end (if u meet some of them, more will come up) and u will be given lectures anyways, no matter what u do. So be what u are rather than trying to please ur in-laws by being something u don't what to be!
Click to expand...

ppriya182010 · Jul 18, 2013

Count me in! How I thought my marriage is going to be a one big happy gala and my in-laws treating me like their own daughter. How stupid one be to expect something like that!

Friendlygirl, only solution would be - girls decide not to get married to guys anymore!