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Inlaws want to move in with us..am confused and feeling guilty..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Sheethala, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. Sheethala

    Sheethala New IL'ite

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    Hi, I am a regular to these forums as a guest but have never posted anything till date. This is my first post. I need some advice from ladies who have handled such situations before.

    Ours was a love marriage and we are from different cultures. We have been married for 10 years now and have kids. I quit my job recently to take care of my kids. It was a good job and I am career oriented but could not manage ..my kids were too active...
    My inlaws who are 75+ live in another city and now want to move with us. The issue is both me and my Dh are very very independent and have our own ways of living!! Privacy is too important an aspect for my DH.
    My inlaws are old and I really want to help them now, but me and my DH really cant stand their attitudes, esp my MIL. She is a kind lady but very orthodox; rituals and practices are too important for her. She still treats everyone else as kids..which is good in a way but you would end up feeling like you dont have a brain...
    When you are very young, you can adjust to some extent to such behaviour but adjusting now is difficult. Moreover doing that would mean not living in 'our' way which we had loved so much at our home.
    Its pretty peaceful now..but even their visits would make my life hectic as everything is done by the clock...get up at 6, tea t 7, tiffin at 8..list goes on..

    My DH also feels the same and we have tried indirectly to convey that we do not want them to move in permanently but they dont seem to get it. At the same time we also feel very guilty that we are not taking care during thier old age, but doing so will spoil our current life...how do you think we should handle this situation? Pls suggest..
     
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  2. indianlover

    indianlover New IL'ite

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    Well you are in a very tight situation! I would strongly suggest you to seat down over dinner and speak heart to heart. Start by asking them what are the things they dont like in the house, about kids, you and DH. that way they u give her a chance to open out somethings. You might not like the things they say but stay calm, dont become defensive. just listen. after she they speak, you speak. tell in the nicest possible way like ' you know it upsets me when you .... ' Dont tell them what to do but hint them they should stop doing certain thing. this whole thing can be as very risky. It can cause either a BIG fight or it can make life much much better. its all in your hands. I dont know if DH is domestic helper or another term for hubby. im sorry.

    Ok if you think its impossible to talk to them, i would suggest you start IGNORE therapy. or maybe you should go to work as inlaws may takecare of your kids. if not find for them other alternative, say a house close by. what you are going through can be depressing. Just tell youself there is a way out. Dont worry!
    hope my tips help! =D
     
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  3. spuppala

    spuppala Gold IL'ite

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    I second with indianlover..she has provided excellent tips...
    Have a heart to heart discussion with them and explain in a cool manner as what disturbs you ..
     
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  4. indianlover

    indianlover New IL'ite

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    Thank you spuppala! =)
     
  5. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Indianlover has great points. Just follow them. Have an open mind. Everyone has good and bad points. If you have your own ways, what do you think about elders? Good luck. Is it possible to get a flat next to yours? Then both have your own life and have each other too. Think about it.

    @IndianLover, your points are excellent.
     
  6. indianlover

    indianlover New IL'ite

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    Thank you *BOW* , Im waiting for her response. =)
     
  7. vijikrish

    vijikrish Gold IL'ite

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    It is time to grow up next phase of life. Instead of thinking "my" life...just think about "our" life including in-laws...this will teach our younger generation(your kids) how to take care of parents. THere is always adjusting in life style in both ends...just talk openely through your DH to in-laws and get things straight...take care of them...they don't have much time left! you will not regret in your life!
     
  8. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    OP:

    A few things to think about:

    If you are living in an apartment, how about buying another one in the same building/renting another one in the same building for them.
    If you live in an independent house, how about making a separate floor for them?

    Both of these will give you the option to maintain your privacy, and at the same time, give them the feeling of living close to you guys and being with their grandchildren. This way, they can wake up at whatever time they want, make morning tea, and BF early. And you can have your regular routine and join them later in the day. And you guys still do not lose 'doing things your way'. At the same time, you can also have lunch and dinner together, making it some family time.

    Apart from these, having her own rituals will be possible for your MIL, if she has her own space, and it can go on without disturbing your routines. Well, I would also lay some ground rules. Yes, they are old, and they need care and affection, but not by you bending over backwards. So please have a nice discussion with them, like indianlover suggested, and put it down to them, as to how 'certain ways' of your MIL, may not work well when you guys live together. It is a bit too touchy, but if they are understanding parents, then, they will get your point. Also, please be open enough to accomodate a few changes to your lifestyle that will be inevitable. And if both of you are open for changes, then it will be a smooth ride. Good luck!
     
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  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Ur PIL are 75 + . They have stayed alone when they could but now is really a time when they need some support.
    I really like SSCs suggestion and I have seen this in action too..two apartments or homes near by . It gives the space/privacy required and the kids/grandkids are close enough to be supportive.
     
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  10. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Your aged PILs must be equally ill at ease moving in with DS and DIL after living independently for decades ! They would not like to be confined to a single room and treated as guests,share the kitchen etc. They could be havin similar misgivings about it , their rituals, timings , social life etc.
    But age is against them thats why they want to move in with you.It will be the end of their independence also.
    Be happy that you had so many years of non-interfering PIls who happily lived separately from you.
    Its majboori or TINA FACTOR (there is no alternative)for them .
     
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