In-laws making a distinction between you and your spouse!

My MIL always stayed with my wife helping her as we are not settled yet. These days I am doing work from home just to be living together with my wife till she gets a transfer, which doesn't seem to happen any sooner. I don't like my MIL because of some past incidents (some of which I will elaborate below) but I don't have issues with her living with us. It is even not the case that my wife is dependent on her mother for household help as she herself gets two attendants being a sarkari officer and there are times when her mother is away for few weeks.

Curiously my MIL or FIL, never visit me and my parents (my father died and only mother and a physically handicapped elder sister live with me) in my place - unless there is an emergency. The three times they visited my place was when my father got a fractured hip, when he died and when I bought a new house. So I even know that it is OK for them to live at my wife's place of work but not at my place. But I view it as a childish behavior on their part as neither me nor my wife make a distinction between our two homes - they both are our homes.

In the past my MIL has serious objections with my parents (my blind father aged 70, mother aged 68, and physically handicapped sister) living with me. She even abused them saying that they entrenched themselves in between me and my wife. My wife too felt that I have to send my parents to our home town and send them money but never keep them with me and at one point kept that as a condition for us to live together. Curiously she said that she would keep them with her when they are old enough and needed help. But I never agreed. I said, that I can keep them near to me if she doesn't want them to live. I earn much more than enough to maintain two houses in BLR if needed.

Nowadays my wife has accepted my parents (after my father's death) and she never brings the topic of sending them to our hometown. I too never broach the topic and I even prepared my mother and sister, that once my wife gets a transfer, they need to live separately but I would keep them near to where we live. I told them that I will never make any request to my wife regarding them. This approach is seeming to work as my wife is mingling a lot with my mother and sister in her recent visits. She even insisted me to bring them along for a visit to a water park, which everyone of us enjoyed a lot. My self-respect was so hurt wanting my wife to accept my parents in the past that I now made up my mind never to request a single thing from her regarding my parents.

But when I think about all these incidents (and many more to elaborate in a single post), I find it funny that the wheel of karma made a full turn, with her parents wanting to spend time with their daughter (child and son in law too as these days I am working from my wife's place of work). My wife insists that my MIL is staying with us just to help her with the household work. I laugh and tell her that there is no need to justify her mother/father's stay with us, but at the same time never expect me to be very open with them / talk with them freely. Sometimes she cries that I am not respecting her parents, not talking with them - I simply tell her that she was out of picture when they were insulting me and my family - so she should not worry even now.

What do you think about such in laws for whom it is acceptable to live with their earning daughter (with a sense of entitlement) but ego comes (because of past incidents) to even visit their son-in-laws home? I find them funny to say the least! :thumbsup

 

Let me give more information so that my wife could be understood better. My eldest sister could not be married because both her her lower limbs were fully affected by polio paralysis and my father brought her up and prepared her early from teenage that she can't be married. He always ensured my sister was happy and my sister was automatically included in every family event and we as children took it as "matter of factly", that "Peddakka" is like that only and never viewed her as any special. He brought her up to be very independent (she rides a three wheeler, does household work, buys groceries, even though not very good in studies she even did a job and met some of my expenses while I was in school when we were in a tight financial situation)

During our engagement time, I told my wife how my old parents were worried about my physically handicapped sister and that they wanted us to take care of her after them. My wife agreed to it and even said that my respect towards my own parents reflects on how caring I am and even said that her mom said that one who couldn't respect his parents during old age can't be trusted to take care of his wife too (or something to that effect)

In the past, I was very stubborn about my parents staying with us once we settle down together (it is another thing that we were not even settled after 6 yrs of marriage!). I used to ask my wife to take my parents with her to her place of work, keep them with her, when I was on an onsite assignment - she fully resisted it. Her argument used to be "how come they were living alone while I was onsite before marriage" and that "my parents are old and she doesn't have enough time to take care of a baby and old people" and "her mother being nearly 10 years younger than my mother, can help her with our very active baby than my older mother who can't run behind him".

I being newly married, young and inexperienced, took it all on my ego and used to fight with her. I foolishly used sentences like "I won't leave my parents come whatever may". This made my wife hurt a lot thinking that my parents were more important to me than her. This is not at all true. I know that I cannot even continue for a single day without talking to my dear wife - in fact, I can't even work if we have a tiff. I end up asking her to cheer up or relate her something silly and romantic that happened during our courtship. Once she began to talk normally, I would feel so relieved.

I used to think a lot and tried to think from my wife's perspective. I soon realized, that the problem was not at all with my wife. I didn't give her a choice and tried to force upon her my own problems. Also I didn't make it clear to my wife that my parents will be staying with us sooner than later - she only got an impression that they will be staying away and we would be only taking them in when one of them becomes too old to take care of themselves. But the fact that my father completely lost his eyesight and used to became too emotional (when my father was young, I never saw him even cry for once, now after losing his eyesight he used to break down often) and the fact he seriously fell ill due to hot summer in our home town twice - forced me (story here) to bring all of them together to live with me in BLR. So in a way we both were right in our points of view.

Also my father was short tempered. There were some fights over phone between my father and her parents, in which some strong words were exchanged. I was entirely against our parents interfering in our family affairs. My wife on the other hand never used to find fault with her mother using some offensive words (at least she never made it apparent to me that she controlled her parents) - saying that she is hurt and in a way justified her mother. She always defended her mother even when she insulted me, saying that she is correct when I used to complain to her. This used to hurt me a lot and in fact helped me to mold myself in a way that I now never give a chance where I would put myself compared to her mother. I from my side completely controlled my parents saying that they have no business interfering in my married life and that they should put the phone down if my in laws become abusive. Once my parents and wife sent me off to an onsite assignment and after returnign my father being my father - unncessarily used a sentence to the effect "come whatever may I won't leave my son". I don't know the exact sentence he used, but my wife got the impression that my father would not leave me even if we both were to separate. Later my wife never visited my parents for almost half a year - my parents didn't see my child and DIL for half a year. She used to always say that she is hurt by my father's sentence and that she won't go there with that feeling in her. Later my mother has to undergo an operation and by God's grace my wife visited my parents during that time. Within a few weeks after that operation my father passed way. To this day, I really feel so lucky that my wife visited at least once before my father passed away - otherwise it would have been very difficult for me to reconcile the fact - had it been that my father passed away without seeing his DIL and son for such a long time before his death.

Also all through this time my wife used to live in Mysore and I in BLR. I used my salary for rents, household expenses, travel and saving. She used to buy everything for our child - toys, clothes, medicines for his dry skin - practically everything. Her salary was much lesser than mine, but she used to get many perks like attendants, official apartment, club, vehicle, driver etc. She used to never ask me money for anything and if she did I would have gladly given her. I though since she is anyway spending a lot, why should I compete with her and anyway she would ask me if she needs any money. At that time, I was a fool to have bought very few things for my child and wife. My wife even though she never asked me, secretly she felt happy if ever I bought anything for her. My MIL unncessarily interfered in this matter and indirectly insulted me before my sisters. She said that I am spending everything on my parents and not even responsible for my own family - my wife and child. I complained to my wife, who in turn asked me to talk to her mother directly. Her mother refused to talk to me telling me to bring elders! I felt so much snubbed that day. I was full of bitterness for these so called parents, her mother, my father to interfere in our affairs and my wife never asking her mother to back out. I was in a tight spot at that time that even if I start spending on my family lavishly, it would be because that my MIL reprimanded me and not because I would want to. Truth be told, I would have taken care of whole household expenses of my wife, if ever she asked me, but then she won't. Also I was a real fool to expect my wife to ask me, a real caring man would have understood his wife, even if she does'nt explicitly ask him. But give me a break, I was still newly married and learning things at that time. I never knew the intricacies of a woman's thinking. That she would feel happy if I do something on my own to her and our child. That she would never ask me and that I have to do things on my own. Whew, that was the biggest lesson of my life! Only bitter thing in all this is my MIL butting in on behalf of my wife and my wife not even once complaining to me that she doesn't like the way that I am not caring enough for her and the baby.

Things nowadays have mellowed down a lot after my father's death. I have changed my job into a new one that paid almost double than my previous job - even though with lot more responsibility, hectic career, meetings eating into my evenings. I am now stuffing my wife with money without her asking me, as I know she would like it that I am caring on my own for my family without her asking for it. My wife also began to realize that she is the most important person in my life and my parents would only come after her. This I think helped her in viewing my parents not as enemies as before. She is now, as I said, interacting a lot with my mother and sister and often asking me about them. When my elder sister is going to visit my second sister, she even agreed to bring my mother along with me to stay, while I work from home in Mysore. My MIL stopped completely interfering in our life for almost 2 years now. My father after his death and my mother being the sweet lady she is, there are no parents arguing and battling out on our behalf - even if we didn't require their support.

Also I owe it to Indus Ladies to have drilled into my mind that part of problem lies with me staying away from my wife. And these days, I work from home and try to spend most of my days being with my wife and child. My son is increasingly including in all his activities and mentioning "nannagaru" a zillion times a day. Even if they don't say explicitly, I think even my MIL/FIL secretly like it that we are staying together - that is what they wanted all through out that we should have our own time and falsely thought my parents would interfere in our lives. I now no more require my wife to take my mother or sister in when we settle down together. There is no more bitterness, I come to accept the fact that my wife's desire to live with her own small family is her right and that any acceptance of my parents should come from her, on her own, rather than me asking her.

Thanks ASG, for your thoughtful response, it is so simple yet to the point. But going by what I wrote you will agree that my wife doesn't have "double standards" and part of the problem lies in my earlier behavior too. Thanks also Dr. Preethi, your thoughts are always so sharp and clear and are like a whiff of fresh air to an otherwise gloomy mind!

Needless to say, it helped me a lot in offloading any bitterness that is still left in me because of those past incidents. The present and future look so bright and beautiful and it is only me who could make things rosy or awful than they already are. This feeling of control makes me feel much better these days!