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IHow to handle a Verbally Abusive Spouse?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by unhappywife, Jan 2, 2012.

  1. unhappywife

    unhappywife Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ILs,

    My DH frequently calls me names (particularly, really bad ones like bastard, prost) whenever he gets angry. Although, its not a big argument, its some small things because of kids, he ends up calling me names. I have been hearing this for almost 1 year and he has not changed. If i ask him not to call names, he passes the blame on me and ask me to act in such a way that he doesn't get angry. I feel very bad because I have never heard such words at my house. Even on new year's day, he used that word and I was shattered for a very small argument (a candy fell down and kid refused to pick it back and I helped her but he wanted the kid (3 year old) to pick it herself but the kid refused and was crying in the parking lot). Usually I keep silent to show him how I am hurt. But he never bothers to ask sorry rather says I only made him say such things. Finally I end up talking to him. He has even started calling my 2 year old with such names when he gets angry. Yesterday, I couldn't tolerate and I bursted out and asked him to call his mom and his side people like that (I have never said such things before but I burst out because he called me a daughter of pros). Now he behaves as though I said something cruel and behaves rude to me (doesn't talk to me).

    I should also add that I don't have any financial support or money or support from my parents too. I can't really complain on him. If i do so,with so many debts, I will end up in the street. He also has the habit of complaining non-stop. Every silly thing, he will simply blame me and I am so upset. I had a very sad new year day altogether. Please pour in your best advice to handle such a verbally abusive person. I feel like a loser by migrating to this country after giving up my career.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2012
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  2. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    Just don't care.Let him be like that and you just act as if you didn't do anything bad to him.

    After a while if he asks you, just tell him that you were also hurt when he used to call you with such names and he never cared about that and now why should you bother to console him and just leave it there.
     
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  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I would go one step ahead and say stop doing anything for him, such as taking care of his washing, food etc. Let him take care of himself. Don't reply but don't behave as if everything is normal either. Let him feel some repercussions for his actions.

    I understand that a lady in such circumstances in India (financially dependent and in an abusive marriage) would be in a tough spot. Normally one would advice such a person to take up a job first, get independent and then walk out. But since you are in the US, I am not aware of what kind of visa you are on, whether you are allowed to work or not. If you are allowed to work, do get out of the house and do that. I also don't know what happens if a woman who is the victim of verbal abuse and has no source of income either walks out of the house and lodges a complaint. Does she get any financial support? I would think they would at least try to rehabilitate the lady and organize some child care for her. Probably our friends who are in the US may be better equipped to answer this question.
     
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  4. renutn

    renutn Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    It is very very difficult to stay with those kind of people as you are all alone here no support from your parents and only one person whom you have to rely on here himself degrading you.
    I don't know what visa you are on ; if possible try to get a work;
    For some time try to be in low profile ; just get into some hobbies like reading and behave that you are trying to be independent of him. Like going out for shopping,meeting friends. You have to inform him as obedient wife and go to places alone. In this way he feels lonely and insecure as you are becoming independent.

    Hope things will change later on; don't get into any arguments I know even not our mistakes we have to bend our head for gaining something. But things will work ; be positive
     
  5. unhappywife

    unhappywife Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone. No I can't work outside, waiting for GC. Until then, I have to wait. I cannot complaint on him legally. We have so many loans and cc payments to be made back in India and here. My mom can't support me. Inlaws are living in our house in india. The only person I interact with is my husband other than that Indusladies. All the neighbors are working and no body bothers to talk. Kids keep me busy throughout the day. As one of you'll said, I can ignore him. But I can't stop cooking as I have to do it for kids anyway. But i feel more depressed without talking to him and I end up talking to him. I pray to Sai, things should change. I will gain courage and try to be independent and ignore him for some time. i think that should make this work. Thank you so much.
     
  6. Megalife

    Megalife Platinum IL'ite

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    DearGal (I hate to address you as Unhappy wife)
    I really am short of words to console you, these kind of men are a shame to the entire mankind...thtz all I can say!
    While,I would advice not to put up with these kind of abuses, I can see you plight: being jobless in a strange land and lot of financial responsibilities back home. My heart aches for the kids as well. Focus on the children, might help you ignore his barbaric acts! "What goes around comes around", he will get it back someday from someone nice, bad and hard!
    Wishing you a blessed New yr...cheer up!
    Mega
     
  7. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I dont have any good advice. I know it is very hard to keep ignoring your DHs behavior when tje littlest things gets him going and then it becomes your fault after all. But if he is starting to talk bad to the kids you will have to say something and not keep quiet. I hope you get your GC and can get independent. Since you are a sai devotee have you found a saicenter close by so you can interact with others atleast on sundays??
     
  8. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    I am sorry to hear this because I have gone through this as a child. I believe your children will never forget such things for the rest of their life.
    I love my dad because he is a great human being inside, but he's had a rough workplace, where he has to be abusive if he has to get work done. That, plus work pressure, used to reflect on his behavior at home.
    You may want to check whether his workplace or his circle of friends directly or indirectly encourages verbal abuse. Also, for the sake of your kids, you need to stand up firmly against this. They will quickly learn this or have psycological impact from 'someone' treating their mother badly. They will never forget this.
    If your husband is religious, have him get more involved in prayer and meditation so he can control his anger.
     
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  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    The day you stop being scared he will mend his behaviour. Since you are quaking in fear all the time he is abusing you . He does not respect you ,rest you can understand on your own.
    He knows that you will meekly take the verbal abuse , he knows you are scared .
    You have to develop some self-confidence instead of crying and feeling self pity. You are being bullied for sure.
    Even if his work environment is abusive it does not mean that he will subject his wife and kids to verbal abuse. This is no excuse.
    Its good that you gave him a taste of his medicine and he was hurt by your words.
    Repeat similar dose if required then he will realise how terrible it feels to be abused.:clap
     
  10. ARIKA

    ARIKA Silver IL'ite

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    Hi
    Firstly,I like to wish you a HAPPY & PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR.
    After reading your post.......
    No person is a borne abusive,I think ,there might be some strong reasons
    for his behaviour,please find it out & correct it.
    you have ample time to solve this issue.
    Please look up your kids & their smile
    they need both of you am i correct.


    I would like to share few lines here.
    Firstly, TRUST IS LIFE,
    Trust plays a major role in day to day life.
    Secondly,POSITIVE PERCEPTION,
    When a issue is raised ,It should be dealt with positive angles,
    sit and think,twice or thrice ,take few more days too,the end will
    definitely be positive.
    Thirdly, VALUE OF LIFE,
    I think Life is not a game, when the game gets over, everything
    is over.Life is gift of god .Each and every being should enjoy the
    essence of life.
    Fourthly,PATIENCE,
    Instead of fighting,that is, before talking about the issue ,lessen
    the warm of the atmosphere,take few seconds and then talk in a
    mild and soft voice,definitely your feelings will be heeded.
    Patiency is a must here.
    Fifthly,MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING,
    Understanding and adjusting ,this unites the two hearts into a
    peaceful union between you two.
    LIFE IS SO PRECIOUS , YOU WILL FEEL WHEN YOU WIPE AWAY YOUR MINUSES.
    PLease change UNHAPPY WIFE
    into HAPPY WIFE
    GOD BLESS YOU DEAR
     

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