I Suspect My Husband Is Gay.

snehalJoshi · May 3, 2016

Where should I start !
Love marriage. Before marriage knew each other for 5 to 6 years. Before marriage, DH never touched me. He never tried to even hold my hand. He treated me as if I am his little sister.
We got married and I expected his behaviour to change but he did not. There were fights and no intimacy. I thought fights was causing lack of intimacy and put efforts to not fight but there was no intimacy. I realised he is facing impotency. Family pressure for baby. We had a baby after couple of yrs of marriage. Just for baby making sake we came closer with little help from doctor,Viagra. After I conceived, back to no intimacy or even slightest of touching.
I had even separated from my DH along with my baby for almost a year and was about to file a divorce not just because of his impotency or no touch, etc. but because of my DH and MILs bad attitude. They behaved very badly with me and my family. My DH had absolutely no guilt for making me go through all this in our relationship and when MIL made a huge drama one day, I told her about my DHs problem (this was 5 yrs after marraige). She replied to me "don't think you are doing a big thing by living with an impotent husband. Girls do that and it is no big deal." I cried a lot and when I saw my DH supporting his mother, I decided to separate.
DH pleaded and my insecurities about how to raise a girl in India by a single mother, if I marry next time - will the 2nd husand treat my baby nicely? ,etc. made me accept my DHs request to come back. He promised me that he will work on his intimacy issue.
I am living with him for more than a year now. There is no change in his physical relationship with me. He does not touch me AT ALL. Never even holds my hand even when he is in a good mood. I avoid fights and if there is a slightest clue that certain topic may lead to fight ,I give my best to avoid because I want to give a good environment to my baby. My DH is a good dad. Infact THE BEST DAD. He loves our baby a lot.
I asked him when he was cool, about his lack of intimacy (in a soft understanding voice). He looked here n there and said He does not know the reason. I said "please let me know if you have any other sexual preferences and I will still adjust but you owe me the reason behind lack of intimacy." He did not look into my eyes and said "No. I am not aware of any reason that I need to hide it from you."

How will I know the reason behind the problem? I just suspect that he is in closet and will never ever come out.

I have never observed him watching ****. He watched movies late night after I go to bed but I dont know if he watches **** and clears browsing history or uses incognito mode.

His mannerism is mostly manly.
He LOVES shopping but that does not make him gay.

He observes women or men, I really don't know.
Even if he does, he is way too smarter than me to make sure I don't notice.

I just have no proof to say he is gay but I suspect him to be gay or asexual.

What should I do next ?

SGBV · May 4, 2016

I don't think he is Gay.
I also don't think he is impotent either.
However, I think he may be asexual. Low to no libido.

Being asexual is not his fault. It is a condition. He can't change himself.
However, knowing his sexual condition, marrying a woman, that too a love marriage is cruel.

It is very hard to understand how you guys spent 5 yrs in a love relationship without touching each other. That itself a big red-flag. It doesn't mean you should have sexual relationship, but as you said, holding hands, kissing, and those intimate moments before marriage.
It happens during the 3-4 weeks of courtship even in an arranged marriage. The contacts, talks and body language of each other, specially men will lead towards intimacy related once a clear/strong relationship is established.
Because LOVE in a marital relationship is not just platonic love. It is the love related to our body and soul. That's what makes this LOVE a special one from the other loves, we call it friendship, sisterly love or brotherly love.

As a grown up adult, you must have noticed this before marriage. You must have raised this question with him, and made him understand his problems.
Because he too knew to this journey called marriage when he was courting with you. If his "non-touching mode" was okay with you then, I assume he would have taken it as normal.

I know a few low libido people, both men and women... They think they are normal, and blame the normal people to be sex minded.
Until he is open and willing to learn from other's perspective he would never understand his weakness.

However, there is nothing much to change here.

Don't expect him to give you sexual pleasure. Even if he gives, it would be like a forced one, that too not frequently. That never gonna be normal.

Sex is a most important part of a marriage. How old are you? Are you financially independent?
What are the chances of getting re-married? Are you ready for it? Then you must also think about your kid's future, mental health because she has a great dad already.
What is your idea about child custody?
If you are still young - that's when sex takes the front seat in any life... I would advice you to leave this marriage, and see your opportunities for the second chance.
Given the fact that you live in India, with a child in hand... It is not guaranteed. However, it is not impossible either.
I have so many good stories in real life to share with you.

However, if you are gonna stay single, then what's the purpose of leaving a sexless marriage, which is otherwise normal?
Given your DD has a best dad.

Your MIL problems and DH's indifference towards you is surely an added tension.
Just relax and think about all this.

I feel so sorry for you.

APS45 · May 4, 2016

He is most likely an asexual, lack of sexual orientation to anyone, and not necessarily very low sex drive or libido. Better you consult with psychologist and sexologist to know more about his condition, asexually is something fully not understood yet, it is beyond common knowledge as of today. All you need to know, through experts, his real conditions of body and mind and is there a way to revive or cure. That will help you to take a decision.

generic · May 4, 2016

Would suggest a consultation with a competent andrologist or urologist for ur husband...this to rule out any testosterone deficiency or some other reproductive issue that your husband may have...of course for such consultation and treatment you need his co operation..if everything is ok physically then he probably has some kind of Past bad experience or misconception or fear causing this distinterest..the reasons for which needs to be probed further.

Jazmine83 · May 4, 2016

Take your husband to a doctor. They will be able to guide you in the best way possible.

Regarding gay..just from my experience: one of my really good tambram guy is gay. Luckily he was able to come out of the closet since his parents supported him. I asked him what about his partners, he said with a sad face that they all got married some even had kids due to society pressure. My best friend left her H after finding he was gay. So you cannot weed out that option either.

Start with a doctor and see where it goes.

Iamagoodgirl · May 5, 2016

hi please be anonymous here.
OP if husband has not done anything there is possibility that he wont do anything in future too.
You should not have brought baby in this word.
Now you have on you have limited options.

Its very difficult to find another decent man who will love your daughter as his own.
Even if you separate and live alone with baby thats going to create whole lot of other problems.
Living with H atlist you have financial support.

Hows your h with baby.Howz their bond?

snehalJoshi · May 5, 2016

I am not sure if I can change to being anonymous. I don't see that option.

My DH has been to many urologists and they all said he is perfectly ok physically. Testosterone, etc. everything alright.

My DH convinced me that he did not touch me before marriage because he thought those were the expectations set by me. When I used to talk to him before marriage I told him that "before marriage physical relationship is a strict NO." He said because of this he did not touch.

To answer your questions :
How old are you? I am 33.
Are you financially independent? Completely. I earn more than my DH.
What are the chances of getting re-married? I am a good looking girl.
Are you ready for it? My DH is the best Dad. No one can love my DD as much as my DH. I don't want to screw my DDs childhood just because my hormones are asking for something. However, my life is getting screwed up.
What is your idea about child custody? I can't give custody to my DH. Though he had given me this option to give him custody and asked me to marry someone else. But I can't. Also, my DH would not let me get the custody so easily.
However, if you are gonna stay single, then what's the purpose of leaving a sexless marriage, which is otherwise normal? True. Being a single mother is not worth. Sexless marriage is better for DDs sake than being single. Though my MIL FIL are a big problem but still manageable.
Hows your h with baby.Howz their bond? Good and strong. However, DD needs me first before my DH.

DH has been to urologists and therapists/psychologists. No use.

Vaikuntha · May 5, 2016

OP,
Like @Iamagoodgirl said, don't use your real name anywhere. In society too, do not discuss your problem with too many people. His mom, your mom, are safe people.
He may be gay, low sex drive, or pleasing himself. It could be any reason. But the fact is, your relation with him will be the same. May be some changes as being nicer with housework, appreciative words, flowers, vacations.
Will you be able to live with it? For the sake of your kid?
Your kid is happy here, with the father and grandmother. Will you be okay?
You can take help of a professional person. Do a lot of research before.
I am not encouraging you to get married second time or be here in this marriage for your kids sake. But we want you to know that many are in your boat, in similar situations, trying to find answers...you are not alone and you are supported here, which ever way you decide to go!

APS45 · May 5, 2016

Now I have no doubt that he is asexual, it is a lifelong characteristic unless otherwise some miracle happen, no point in perusing any further therapy. Realization of sexual orientation or lack of it is a slow process, it is likely that he is not fully aware of his status before marriage. I find it hard to stamp him as a cheat given the fact that he gives you an option to rectify. It is very very unfortunate situation.

His suggestion is not bad either, if not full custody, think of some practical way to accommodate him and discuss with him. I feel he has genuine intention of correcting it, I am sure he will be there to support your daughter emotionally with his love as needed. Perhaps, he may end up as your best friend as well in your new life.

bruised234 · May 5, 2016

Dear OP,
you should go to some counsellor or approach your parents or someone who is well known to you. Why do you think he is gay? Does he show such tendencies towards other men? you being completely frustrated is understandable. There is no use asking your in-laws. 90% in-laws don't like going against their sons. For them the son is a safety net, some kind of indispensable property. No use going to them. You should talk to your husband and tell him this is not about sex but about you feeling attractive and wanted by him. This frustration is not limited to women alone but also men, sometimes the spouse won't just cooperate when needed. Talk to a professional to sort it out.