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I Plead To Look At My Previous Thread .. Even After Changing Nothing Changed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shwetha12, Feb 14, 2020.

  1. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    For weight problem I suggest go through health forum in IL. Nowadays intermittent fasting is lot talked about and is working for many ppl. If you follow strictly and do some minimal exercise it will help you loose. If he has so much ego of being handsome and a quality to put u down. You better ignore him for sometime and focus on urself and kids. Rather trying to get his approval and waste time, work on ur weight issue and job and that can give you much satisfaction than proving urself to one person who’s not the end of the world. It’s okay if he doesn’t acknowledge ur efforts. It’s okay if you’re not good enough for him. It’s his problem and not yours. You try to live ur life and don’t let someone judge u and stop working on urself. If you take this negativity u cannot come out of it. Nobody can help unless u want to work on it. Ignore for time being, take up the job, do IF to loose weight and spend quality time w kids as if he isn’t existing. He will surely comeback to u. If he does come back much early before u finish ur goals. Keep him in pause until u acheive the goals. Or it will reverse the problem to itself. Goodluck w new job.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Its very subjective what people, men or women like in the opposite gender. Some men may like more homely women , some like women who are ambitious and career oriented and can match them in terms of a more go getter personality. Being blunt here, your husband sees you as a mother and home maker , respects the marriage itself as in doesn't cheat, provides well etc.. but maybe you are not his "type" mentally.

    This is not your fault at all. You are who you are and I am sure you have lovely great qualities and you shouldn't change yourself. But if this situation is intolerable for you , you have to make some choices. One, either accept it as it is. Second , you can leave, but I think despite your escape fantasies, is not your preferred choice . Third, is to focus on yourself and making you the best version of you.

    You aren't just a mother and wife, cast a wider net and be defined by many other things. Find hobbies that interest you, friends who are outside your couple friend family groups, learn new things, keep yourself fresh and active. Fall in love with yourself. You are not lesser than your husband in any way and once your self worth increases and you stop feeling like you dont matter , he will automatically find your personality more attractive. If he doesn't , you are still happier with yourself , so its a win win.
     
    Rihana, Roar, yellowmango and 3 others like this.
  3. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    OP
    I second everything that @1Sandhya said.

    He is gaslighting you and making sure no one in society will believe you, if you say anything against him. You yourself are calling him with all positives. He does not have positive qualities- think and believe that- he doesn't have positive qualities because of how he makes you feel! He is meanest of the mean.

    Do go to a counselor. Stop chasing him for love of affection. He won't change. May be he is asexual, or meeting his emotional/ physical needs elsewhere. But so not think about all this, because that will make even more sad and mad. Just take baby steps. Go to counselor- alone and with him. Figure few things. Take the job. If you have to get separated make up your mind.

    Your son will be ~ 13 and 4 now. Do not overthink, but start taking steps towards "self preservation"- diligent, definite, consistent steps.

    Takecare of yourself with utmost love!
     
    1Sandhya, Roar, yellowmango and 2 others like this.
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Your self esteem has taken a major hit in this marriage. Your descriptions of your husband make it seem that you also think you are not as good enough as him. Once your self esteem issues are taken care of, the path ahead will be a lot clearer to you.

    Your husband has no incentive to change. The facade of a happy family life is maintained and everyday life and chores are going on without any issues. You attend couple parties, bring keys to him, take trash and are also nice to his parents. What more can a man ask for ?
    Why would he change anything ?

    Get a job, lose weight, be confident and happy. Staying in the marriage will then be less torturous and if you decide to leave, less painful. He might even appreciate the confident, goal oriented, happy you. But I would not count on that or make that a life goal.
    Please take care. You are as important as your egoistic husband, maybe better.
     
    Rihana, Roar, YoGirl and 3 others like this.
  5. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    The change usually comes when we are no more desperate for it.

    Do it for yourself and not for him. Whatever it is: going out, hobby, fitness ...anything. Just for yourself believing that you are as kick-as& as he thinks of himself.
    Thank me later.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for the shout out, @hermitcrab :)
    I want to clarify, that I'm not quite sure he is gaslighting her, or manipulatiing her or doing anything sinister. The OP hasn't given any details to support those conclusions. Why he's doing this is still not clear. That's why I want OP to introspect and put in the time and effort she needs to, to figure out what SHE really wants from life and this marriage before she gives him any kind of ultimatum. So far whatever she thought was the problem and changed about herself and her situation hasn't worked. The man is least bothered. Since she's the one who's unhappy she should figure out what will make her happy. She should be totally selfish while deciding this, not worry about what's expected of her as a wife, mother or by society. She herself, at her core, what will make her happy? And then incorporate those things more actively in her life and take it from there. If there's room within her marriage for her to experience and enjoy those things freely then she should continue. If there isnt any room or if there's a problem then she should think about it very seriously and come to a decision.
     

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