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I have a complicated situation and could use some advice.

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by uslady, Dec 10, 2011.

  1. uslady

    uslady New IL'ite

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    I am a US mom/grandmother with 2 daughters. Older daughter (O) has ome emotional issues and used to take Prozac for her problems. Younger daughter is quiet and studious. Several years ago O married an Indian guy (IG) and they have 3 children. All of us lived together in the US. O quit taking Prozac and now is angry alot and yells. Y complained to IG that he teased her too much, but he persisted. IG also punishes his children by slapping, calling names, locking in a closet. We told IG that here that was child abuse; he said that was how kids in India are punished. He kept teasing Y, and finally sent her this email: You don't know how I feel about you and how much I loved you, you always pushed me away...I know you can never have the same feelings about me as I have for you...I know my love for you was a one way love but I feel insulted the way you treat me...whenever I ask for a hug and you give me a hug it's like hugging a cold pillar...there is no friendly warmth in it...you will never know how much I loved you..etc. After this email Y moved away as she was afraid of IG. IG claims that he just wanted to be friends and this was just a part of being a "half wife" as a sister in law should be. He claims this was not out of order and now says he hates Y, and refuses to let her see her nephews and nieces which is breaking her heart. IG is also angry because she would not let him hit his kids in front of her. My question is twofold: is this an appropriate way for an Indian man to talk to his sister in law, or was he out of line? Also, is it ok for Indian children to be slapped, hit, etc? Thanks for any advice!
     
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  2. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    No, it is not appropriate in either situation. Yes, a lot of people do consider that it is ok to hit their children-but that doesn't make it right. He is definitely using the 'culture' bit to justify his actions:(
     
  3. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Both his behaviours (with kids and with Y) are totally out of line - culture or no culture - child abuse and the fact that Y is afraid/uncomfortable shows that he is out of order... he's hiding behind "culture" stuff - please dont allow this !!!

    Teasing as "half-wife" is a standing joke, yes, but only when the saali (SIL-Y) and the jeeja (BIL-IG) and the sister(O) are comfortable and it is just teasing flirtation - thats it!!! if it makes saali uncomfortable, jeeja better stop it !!!

    And kids may be punished/shown the hand but not as cruel as slapping or "locking in a closet" !!!

    Please put a stop to it
     
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  4. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Im sorry to say this but as a grandmother,if you are not able to differentiate the difference between good and bad,it's a very sorry state to be in. Leave alone the culture,as a woman..what do you understand out of this email??
    My best bet would be to keep your younger daughter out of your older daughter's family. Also please do something for your grandchildren. They are being abused. With a mother who is angry and a father who is crazy,god knows what is going on in those young innocent minds.
     
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  5. uslady

    uslady New IL'ite

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    Rose 8282: We did take the parents to court in an attempt to gain guardianship of these children. The court found that they were an "intact" family and able to care for these children. Parents have the right to hurt their own children, I guess!
     
  6. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    i agree with rose8282 JUST KEEP Y AWAY FROM O FAMILY AND SPECIALLY IG.
    there has been several examples of notwelcoming incidences in such type of cases and i m talking abt physical abuses. i hope u understand what i mean. so just talk to Y n make her understand this thing.

    n the second matter abt kids just see some lawyer for legal advice if you r thinking htis way.
     
  7. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Unfortunately that happens quite often:( I hope you are able to stay in contact with the children to negate the experiences with their parents.
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Your post shows you are trying to take refuge under the culture..No culture today accepts physical or emotional abuse. a slap is tolerated to a extent in India..but without reason, it leaves a great emotional wrath behind in the minds of the kids. Whe you have the opportunity, do talk to your grandkids as a grandmom, give them all the love that they would be needing. grandmom's always have a great place in the early development of the kids.

    regarding Y, let her stand againt IG. you cannot worry too much about O alone and make life miserable for the Y.

    In olden days, this saying was used, to mean that your wife's sister was close to the wife, hence she knew lot of things happening at the wife's place..and in case of any untoward incidence, it was the sister who came into the picture if there was a reason for remarriage..let us move with the time.

    if he is using this as an excuse, tell him, that he is misusing the respect that you give him in the name of culture.talk to your O. maybe there is something more..if they can still fake up an intact family picture, which is not possible without the cooperation of O.
     
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  9. uslady

    uslady New IL'ite

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    Shanvy: I do not feel I am trying to take refuge under any cultural tradition. I was born in the US and have no idea of what is acceptable in India. My SIL looked me in the eye and insisted this was ok in India; I am trying to find out if this is for real, or if I am being given alot of BS. I think I know... To complicate matters, he comes from a well off family that insists he is from a good family so can't do any wrong!
     
  10. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    In the bygone days, if the older sister died, in some families the younger sister married the widower (the idea being that she will be kind to her sister's children as opposed to a complete stranger). As Harini mentioned there was always some teasing but that did not not sanction sexual overtones or emotional blackmail. If a guy acted that way he was considered a jerk, just as he would be these days. The is no guarantee that this doesn't happen-same as other people not following their boundaries justifying their actions in myriad ways.

    His family is in denial!
     

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