I behind the curtain!

Things seem to be going so fast. His response is cold. He has warned me not to message him or email him too. I am not sure if I would be able to get professional help. He greeted "Good night" to my daughter as he is very clear that she would not be here tomorrow.

First time, when we were in India, his team (his extended family has so many politicians and all them make a very good team when fighting with the other family) had abused my parents and left me at my parents home. I stayed there for 9 months. He did not call me anytime by then. If I would call him several times in a day, he would not receive the call either. He would disconnect the phone. I was left with my son by then. My son used to cry to go back to my home. Once, when I went directly there, his mother locked the door from inside. I said that at least to allow me to take my clothes and she had told me that the clothes would be sent to me. But I was not allowed to enter the home. After 9 months, I was picked up by the mediators and thenafter the second time, because he said very rude language to my parents during the mid night and because nobody from his family bothered to tell me that whatever has happened was bad. I felt very insulted. I felt as if despite of spending hours and hours cooking and cleaning for this family and despite of hearing abuse, smiling and saying 'good' to other families, nobody of his even relative comes to console me. I had left that family for the second time. This time I was firm not to call him or initiate any call. He had thenafter come again to pick me up after the mediators coming frequently at home and trying to solve the problem.

In any of that situation, I did not stop loving my husband. He did not bother to ask me how we all are when I was living with my parents (not even after the severe earth quake in my city. However, my father had made a call there and ask if everybody there is safe and secure?)

His quiet behavior is very insulting today. I am having so many thoughts in my mind today. I dont know why I was born? I dont know why did I get marry! I dont know why do I have expectations!

 

Thank you Shakti,

There is definitely silence outside but there is no silence inside. There is whirlpool of thoughts. I have never ever dreamt of living separately from my family. The picture of my ideal life is fulfilling all family obligations, struggling together and that is not happening. I have never seen a picture of living without a family. Living as a sole mother. I can of course trust God and I would leave on him for what he does with my life.

Thank you.

 

He saw my packed bag. He did not look at me. He just left. I followed him till the lift. He did not look at me. He just left. He did not say anything.

I have a choice to live with him. I have a lovely choice to follow what flower lady said. I have a choice to keep documenting his behavior. I have a choice today. But from tomorrow onwards, if I step out of this home, I would not have any choice. I would be having time but no goal. As my goal of contributing my bestt for the family seems withering at this stage. I had surrendered myself to him after the marriage. I wanted to live the life that he would give me. But he is taking me for granted. I have seen my identity always with him. Now my identity is seeming to be farewelling from me. My identity did not look back at me even for once. He stepped away because it was his time to go to his shop. The shop, where he sees his identity. It is his business. Very soon, he would be one of the very settled and established person in Australia. Whereas, I may be striving for every penny. I have accompanied him in all this journey of struggle. Sometimes, by being the punching bag and the other times by being the wall which would not react anything to what you say.

I sometimes, doubt, whether I am only doing this to black mail him? To make him emotionally be what I want. Sometimes, I doubt, that am I expecting too much from him?

Once I would leave him, he would call all his and mine relatives and inform them about what did I do. He would give another picture of mine as if I am very bad and not worthy of keeping the marriage.

How would I defend myself? Whether it is I who win in arguments or whether it is him, the final 'defeat' would be of our kids.

He may get several people to be his audience. But who would care him as much as I did?

I told him several times, that see my dear, the work that you do gives you some reward in the end of the day. What should I expect for spending my hours and hours doing something that is not rewarding?

I dont expect from others but I do expect from you.

 

Thank you dear. I would keep all this in my mind. I would read all this again and again. I really wish to be like you said.

 

You are right. I need a therapy. I need to be strong. I am being both today. Sometimes weak, the other times strong. It is happening. I have had some sessions with a psychiatrist before but as she just limited herself to giving me color therapy and also giving me some books to read, I am not feeling much encouraged to go to her once again. I have another reference. Would contact that organisation soon. Had gone to centerlink today and had brought the papers of separation. I have filled up those papers.

Mainly, my 14 years old son starts crying when I say about moving or going out for this. He stops eating and seems very depressed. Especially, his this behavior stops me from doing what I am doing. When I had asked about moving, he becomes painful and says that "Mummy, who would look after Papa? Papa is so used to you." My son also adds that "Mummy, if you need me, I am very much with you but I think, my papa would need me more in this time. But if you still insist, I dont mind coming with you." He says all this tearfully. I have always loved him. Brought him up with love and affection. Rarely, I have seen him crying.

I know, this month is going to be very detrimental. But what ever would happen, nobody would regret for.

I am feeling strong enough with the words and support of my dear IL friends. I am getting another outlook for my problem. It may not be bringing instant physical change but it is of course bringing slow emotional change in me and my thinking. Thank you for that. I appreciate all of you so heartily.

Thank you.

 

Hello dear friends & sisters,

I have made one decision for myself.

Let me know whether it is right or not.

It has been over 5 years that we have moved to Australia.

I have been all the time dependent on the public transport. That means killing lot of time and energy.

My husband bought a car for himself in just 2 months of our moving. However, he kept on postponing my request for a car. Having a car is not a luxury in this country but it is the necessity. In India, I had the 2 wheeler and that was sufficient for being independent. However, here I have to either rely on him or travel by the aid.

Today, I have made a decision to buy a car for myself.

This is my own decision to get independent.

If you think, this is not right, please let me know. Thank you for all your feedback and suggestions. It has helped me more. I have already gone to the dealer and seen some cars. I have a balance with me and I have seen the car that would suit my balance. I would write about the details of the car in my new thread and please let me know if it is appropriate to buy such second hand car.

Heartily appreciate all your feedback.