I behind the curtain!

IBC,
You must disagree and refute my conclusions if it doesn't hold true to your situation. My thoughts are because of two reasons...the first was from the limited information in your initial posts...and secondly I work with people with disabilities...and I do see a lot of couples struggle because they get into the relationship for the wrong reason. Having said that, I do agree that it doesn't automatically hold true in your case.

The reason I brought up the feelings of resentment, etc...say you decide to continue to room and board together...in an ideal world you can be completely removed from any interaction. It will be very difficult in practice. How you interact and counteract will depend on underlying behavior patterns your husband has...and you need to protect yourself against those.

Plus, if you put it out here, I would want to figure out what your reasons are to stay in the same house...besides financial reasons. It is logical to wonder if you are afraid of the first step or about what others would say...I would be more concerned about personal safety...bruises and such are bearable (!) but it can lead to more reprehensible behavior which will threaten your life. What about your children then?

Do see a counselor...network with people in the immediate environment so you can turn to them in case of emergency...online help is only the first step...even if you take time to decide on long term measures, do take measures to be safe in the short term.

 

How does he interact with the children? Right, like anything happening to you will not affect 'his' kids!

 

There are no simple solutions. Considering your long marriage there are so many aspects to consider. Your relatives, finances, children and yourself. Every marriage changes over the years due to external and internal factors (work, social enviroment, taking each other for granted etc) and very often our children are the glue that binds us together and most of our decisions revolve round them. You are your best judge. See your marriage over the past 17 years and forsee the next 17 years both with and without your husband then you will arrive at a better picture. Of late because of my marriage issues, I've had an insight into many marriages and not everything is so perfect but decisions are made on circumstances. I wish you well and prayer helps.

 

OP:
What age are you....36? 37? This is not a great age....you just got married earlier than some others. I will tell you: my dad who wanted a different life went to college at age 36 as a freshman, an Ivy League college, and graduated as a doctor at age 42. I tell you this to open your eyes.

It is sad to read about a woman who has endured an entire lifetime of abuse....I am including your parents here as someone has brainwashed you to be a doormat, someone has neglected your safety, your happiness, your life. Your husband is a typical wife abuser and you are jumping through every hoop, apologizing and taking his crap. When do you go to counselling?

 

IBC,

Get professional help...it will give you the clarity to understand his and your behaviors.

 

Dear Sister,

Since you have outbursted after 17 years of marriage which means you have tolerated enough and reached a saturated point, when you have courage to start afresh totally from scratch, I guess that could be a better move.

However before you decide, take you time, pen down pros and cons of starting your life with 2 children afresh in India, if you find less of disadvantages (especially financal support) then you move to live independent will be a better option than living in hell.

It is not that you would be doing good to your children by living with your DH by just sacrificing, as your father pointed out he has educated you which will come handy to earn something for yourself and of course bring your children better though not living in heaven, but atleast out of hell.

Take your time and think for yourself in silence and also seek help from the almighty to direct you. Best wishes