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I behind the curtain!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ibehindcurtain, Jan 28, 2012.

  1. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    I am a 38 years old married lady with two children. I have been regularly reading different posts and blogs on this website.

    It has been over 17 years of our marriage now. I live in Australia now but I was born and brought up in India.

    Neither my mother nor I bothered much about socializing. As her, I too gave first priority to the family.

    Because of lack of exposure, maybe, my thoughts or my problem solving attitude had been limited. I still need help for the situation I am in today. My story is like this.

    At the age of 19, I got engaged. When the boy (5 years elder than me) had come to see me, I found him limping badly! I was shocked. I had been good in looks. My age was not too much. I was upset with my father for showing me such boy.

    My father said to me, that in our community, you may get the rich family but ultimately, your position would be in the kitchen only. We have made you competent enough with education in renowned school and giving you the more exposure than usually the girls in our community do get.

    My father added further, I like this family because
    1) Apart from being wealthy, I see that they have educated their daughters a lot. When you would go to the family where they give priority to education, they would understand the way you are brought up and you would get a platform where people would understand your feelings.
    2) These people have name in the society for being highly cultured. It is not money and education but also culture and ethics that matter when you choose your life partner.
    3) They are willing to wait till you complete your graduation. You can just get engaged with the boy and focus on your study after then.

    However, my father did not force me to accept this relation. He knew I was still young and in the first year of graduation. But yes, 19 years old me, I, was allowed to make decision for my life and make choice. There was other proposals also that had come and my father had made the list of plus sides of that relation and negative sides of that relation and thenafter showed me, why does he believe that the last discussed relation would be ideal for me.

    I loved and adored my parents and till 19 years, I have been even putting of the clothes of their choice and which they would buy from the market. I was not fond of any make up or do the things that usually the other girls do to make themselves look attractive.

    Further, I was a creature, who always have thought to be helpful to others. My conscience asked me by then, I have been always wishing to be helpful to other, and the God has given me some chance. Why am I not taking this opportunity to adorn somebody's life? I said 'Yes' to this relation. I have been getting the proposals from Engineer, doctor, even at that age because of my height and because of my look. However, this boy has been a graduate.
     
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  2. indianinbayarea

    indianinbayarea New IL'ite

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    Ok.....what is the problem?
     
  3. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    The story continues.

    I had good time in 3 years of my engagement life. However, my bad time started after the marriage. It happened gradually, but yes, it still happened. Verbal and physical abuse had been the great part of my marriage life. My mother in law who was called a 'psycho' behind her back by the other ladies in the family, tortured me and my husband and my father in law gave her full support.

    The torture continued and I was greatly damaged morally and emotionally. I had seen my mother playing the role of being dependent on my father in all aspects whether it is financial, emotional, moral or other. But here, I was compared, blamed, controlled, tortured every time. The people around me were not ready to get satisfied with my years and years efforts.

    Eventually, I started looking for some work for myself to help myself considering only the family as the center. To make myself active. To get reward for the work and time I do. I wanted to look after my son as well as work. So I started doing the work at home. My efforts were rewarded by God this time. People were very glad with not only my work but my behavior and nature!! I have been getting different labels all the time and here people started appreciating and respecting me a lot. My new identity started replacing my old identity that was created in the society by my in laws. I was called inefficient and senseless lady but the society started calling me efficient, loving, caring and thoughtful lady!
     
  4. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    I am still not getting the emotional and moral support from my husband eventhough doing this much.

    Doing this much includes aborting my two pregnancies because he did not want to be father that time (after marriage of course!) because of his business stress.

    Doing this much also includes me supporting the family financially for 2 years 9 months.

    Futher, also trying to cultivate good image of the family by speaking good for the family.

    Also, establishing qualities like being strength, predictability, reliability, etc.

    However, I feel highly envious when I see everywhere in the society that husbands look after their wives a lot even though they do hardly 40% of what I did for my husband.

    I still get abused though with my efforts, I have minimised all those things. And that is only the hope and that one day, we would see better days. But it has been over 17 years now. How much should I tolerate him?

    How much should I always understand his limitations?

    When would he respect me or give me space as other husbands give to their wives?

    Where should I go with my two kids?

    Who would give them security and love that their father gives them?

    If I see good of my kids, what about me?

    Could you please help?
     
  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    How old are your kids now?
    What is making you rebel at this late stage , do you see hope somewhere else?
    Since you have made a name for yourself and are financially independent you can set up a separate home for yourself and kids.
    Your hubby may never give you what you desire. Better stop expecting any love and respect from him and you will be at peace .
    Dont feel envious of other families, maybe they are also not perfect. Many hubbies behave nicely in society but abuse their wife at home.
    Maybe when your DH sees your behaviour change ,he will start giving you respect.
    Tell him firmly that no abuse will be tolerated at all.
    No point in discussing your parents and pre- marriage days, you should think of the present and how to improve it.
     
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  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Ibehindcurtain,

    You have shown tremendous strength of character till now. Nobody will want you to suffer abuse of any kind. But before making any suggestions over here, it would be nice if you could also tell us what your own thoughts about what your options are.

    What is it you would like to do?

    What are the options available to you?

    Which option are you willing to consider and which not?

    If we could know your thoughts on these points, we could think of more suggestions to give you.

    Meanwhile, like Flowerlady said, please don't compare yourself with other families. You will never know the truth of what happens inside their homes. Everybody has problems. It is only a difference of degrees.
     
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  7. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you Flower lady and Satchi,

    My kids are 14 and 3 years old respectively. I was well established with my career in India but after we moved to Australia and after having my younger kid, I have stopped working.

    Yes. It is most of the time I think of the present and believe in acceptance and care that should be shown from my side. I very much appreciate people who are proactive and try to be one.

    However, I am very much devastated when he speaks all these nonsense to me.

    I would try to forget what I have contributed from my side and would surely try not comparing me eventhough I have been doing that in my weak moments.
     
  8. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Satchi,

    I could see the options such as keeping quiet and tolerating. Focusing on my goals of rearing up the family and giving good life to my kids.

    Second option is to leave the home and start living from zero. Struggle and establish my self-identity once again.
     
  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Ibehindcurtain,

    So now you have put forward your two options.

    The first option you have mentioned, you have been trying all these years. So it would be a continuation of the same. In which case you will have to learn to completely ignore everything else. You are already busy with your kids, your work etc. So you have worked out your outlets which is a very positive thing.

    Your second option you say is to leave the house and live separately. First thing is: are you willing to consider this option? If yes, I presume you have the means to do so - especially financial. If no, then you will just have to steel your nerves further and try some techniques to help you like going to yoga classes, meditation classes, joining some support group etc.
     
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  10. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Is a move back to India an option...you were financially independent there and you can start afresh...
     
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