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I Am Hurt

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jan 20, 2020.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear friends,

    I am totally broken today. I know, it is hard to be strong all the time.
    I am also a human, and I too have emotions. I am tired of this life & everything that happens around me.
    Please bear with this long post - it is a vent!!!

    My relationship with my H has always been on the rock due to the external interference. He knows that I love him, and I know that he loves me much. But this level of confidence on each other, at times, makes us take each other for granted. That's where these external people interfere and complicate our relationship.

    I being the primary bread-winner of the family, take care of everything at home. Not just financial matters, but also family matters with regards to kids and home.
    My H doesn't have a great career, which prevents him from taking up the provider role. His travelling schedule, his lack of experience & interest also prevents him from taking up the care-taker role for the family.
    He needs to be told, reminded, instructed and supervised if he is expected to assist us in anything. Even if that is a simple task like bathing the kid. He doesn't do that spontaneously.

    I have been tired of assigning him tasks, and keep on reminding him like a secretary all the time; thus I gave up on depending rather started outsourcing services like maid, nanny, driver, and my mom for such helps at home front.
    This way I could peacefully look after my home progress in it.

    His family has been interfering into our lives way too much. This was beyond imagination like they wanted to decide when we should have babies, when we should go to work, build a house, where to live, what to eat, what to name the kids, which religion they should follow, how much to save etc..etc...
    My H was very poor at keeping his folks at their places, rather he expects me to adjust and accept. He believed they were right, and doing it with the good intention though. It may be normal in his side.
    But I knew with experience that their intention was not to help, but to separate us as they didn't like our inter-religious love marriage at the first place.
    Though I don't wanna go in detail on this, I am very much sure of this

    With everything said & done, after almost a decade of emotional, & financial sufferings in their hands, I decided to quit the marriage. I gave my H an ultimatum that he should decide whether he could protect us (me and kids) from his folks abuse (emotional & financial) to be with us or not.
    Finally, my H decided to protect us; hence cut all the ties with his folks.

    This way, after a decade long of trial and error, we have come to an agreement to put each other as our priority, and work for our marriage first.

    I was happy for a while for this decision by thinking he has finally seen the ugly side of his folks; hence decided to take our side. But i was wrong.
    It was rather, my H has seen the ugly side of myself (as an arrogant, powerful woman); hence decided to protect his marriage by staying away from his loving folks. He regrets that decision all the time, and wanted to patch up with them at any cost.
    He feels guilt and makes me feel guilt for doing this to him.

    In fact, I didn't ask him to cut all the ties with them. All I asked was to maintain a border, so that no one enters into our private life unnecessarily and poke their nose into us. I know, all the husbands do that for their family, including my brother, BIL, his brothers etc..etc...
    So, I don't think I was wrong in anyway for standing up for myself/my family, that too after having gone through a lot in the past.

    The issue of today :

    We are renovating our home. So, we have hired a contractor (of my H's choice which I also agreed) and given the contract. I have allocated the money for the renovation work from my savings, and planned other expenses accordingly.
    I didn't want to touch my FD, since these are minor renovations and I could somewhat handle them within the salary + available savings (despite of some adjustments which I could handle)
    My H knew it, but he didn't care since he has never handled finances for the family.
    Therefore, he has amended the contract, and given some additional tasks to the contractor - causing extra expenses.
    He did that behind my back, not intentionally though, but he didn't think it was important to discuss these matters with me.
    I was shocked to hear this from the contractor, as I was not planned to spend extra money this month. It is almost the last week of the month, and my savings are almost nil and I am already scratching my head to cope with usual expenses like kid's tuition fees, domestic helper's salary etc... and hence badly awaiting for my salary.

    When questioned, my H said he believed these renovations are extremely important, and we should do it now.
    Besides, he believes we should listen to the contractor as he is the technical person, and it is not important to discuss these matters with women in the house - as women like me have no technical background with regards to civil engineering.
    WTF... I was so mad at him for talking like this with me. If not for technical matters, at least he must have consulted me for financial matters, because it is me who is expected to pay.

    This is not the first time... He has interfered with such contractors in the past during the construction time of our house too. He has made them enter into new contracts, and made me pay extra money which were beyond what I could afford that time.
    This way, I had to suffer a huge financial crisis back then, and had to change the plan and everything related to our house constructions. That stays as the biggest failure in my life till now.
    Therefore, I am very careful now a days about any such financial dealings; thus questioned my H.

    This broke a fight last night, and my H was unhappy about the way how I try to take the lead, and sideline him in the family matters.
    He feels like I am dominating, and being arrogant.
    I must admit that I was harsh last night. I asked him to pay if he wants to make any such amendments into the contract behind my back - which he took as an offense.
    I know that I am already very stressful for being a full time working mother, and handling home front, commuting long hrs, and now stressing over about our left servant maid/piled up household chores, kids' exams etc.... while battling office politics on the other hand. I was PMS last night, and I already has PCOD and hormonal imbalance to add fuel to the fire.

    But staying calm and awaiting him to understand doesn't seem to be working in my case either. I felt like I needed to speak up. I needed to stay assertive here. Because these matters are eating my sanity.

    This made him go into self pity mode, saying that he had to lose his entire family for me, and now that I expect him to lose his control over his family & home as well.

    I know that he means it. He stopped talking to me completely since last night. Slept separately, which he seldom does.
    We usually fight a lot, but we always patch up in no time. But this time, he was hurt. His financial dependency over me (though he works, his salary is small) may be hurting him.

    He departed for an official meeting early this morning & will come back only during weekends.
    I sent him a whatsapp msg, asking sorry & explaining my frustration in detail.
    But he replied with row feelings, stating that he won't interfere into any matters related to our family. And he hates himself for losing his parents & brothers and now his family.

    I feel broken.... Completely broken.

    Even after having given up my 100% to this family and this man, I only end up with such comments from ungrateful people like him.

    What shall I do now?
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Isn't 7 too young for summers away from mum and dad ?
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    ?????????????????
     
  4. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi SGBV,

    I hear you and remember your life struggles very well..You have been a fighter and struggled so hard to strengthen your family unit to what it is today..Though the navigation was tough its worthy enough! Two wonderful well behaved children, a understanding husband, challenging career, good economic standing and excellent friends & FOO support..

    I see so many similarities between our lives as I tell always especially interms of H. In my case as well, such ego clashes happens every now and then..In a recent argument, my H told he feels that i dominate him in almost all decisions we make related to our home. The point is he will neither spend money nor take any initiative but when I try doing something, he has all the audacity to blame me and lecture me on how it could be done better! Thats when I lose it..My H also after a showdown says I will no longer interfere blah blah but its all back to square one after a month or so. So dont take those heated arguments to heart and ignore his words and messages..I understood that for my H its futile trying to instill some real sense of responsibility into his brain..instead I used that energy to work on myself and keep me busy and enriched..You dont have to say sorry or send him messages on a repeat mode..After a fight, my H also sleeps in the other room..Initially I used to cry a lot but nowadays I accept the fact that, that is his way of cooling himself off and do some introspection..

    Similarly in the in-laws front, I have also had my share of pain. All I do is maintain a civil caring relationship with them. Can you try forgetting some of their horrible misdeeds for your sanity? This would go a long way when it comes to your relationship with your H. Because how much ever he shows that he has cut off his family, he has piled up guilt and remorse inside his head which is not at all god for both his physical and mental well being. So without getting involved much and getting panicked about their future deeds, can you try to reunite your H with his family? I hope now that he has seen their ugly side, he will be cautious enough to not fall for their preaching..Once this issue gets chilled out and you guys are relaxed, you may have a heart to heart conversation to understand his point of view on reconciliation.. Dont impose, remind or suggest anything and see how it goes..You are a better judge about this one..I think your H might be a matured person who is sensible enough to understand the dynamics and be cautious enough of not faltering this time..

    I say this because, even if my parents do the greatest harm to me I can never think of cutting all my ties with them. I may stay distant though..
     
    SGBV, DDream and shreepriya like this.
  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    I too feel the same . You are not alone here sgbv
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    SGBV, so sorry to hear about it.
    But these kind of fights and bahaviour are not rare in married life.

    Give him space. Let him cool down. It will give time to introspect his side. You already said sorry, dont chase him again. It will drive him away. I know how tough it will be for you. But accept the situation. Do your usual things, bahave and talk normal. Also focus on you, you also need a break. Give a week or two.

    Once situation improves, you can talk about whatever you want. Look like he is guilty about leaving his family. Allow him to behave like an adult. If he wants he can maintain a formal relationship with his family, but don't allow them to control your family like. He might have learned a lesson. Only he knows. Dont worry OP, this will also pass.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks guys...
    Just that, I realised how weak I am without this idiot.
    No matter what, I feel so broke down the moment he chose to stay away from me emotionally. This is my weakness. This is where I need to work out.

    He called me normally just a few hrs before and I could bring myself back to normal only after that.

    I know he is irresponsible and this kind of fights are even very common in our place too. Just that, I lost control last night due to my already stressful state, I guess.
    That's why I asked sorry as I felt extremely bad for hurting him

    As for reuniting with his folks, I am all OK for him to be in touch with them.
    In fact, he suggested that we visit them during last diwali and patch up from our end by forgetting the past. Gave me a big lecture about being the bigger person and all. So I gave in.
    I even wrote a thread asking your opinion on it here.
    But fortunately or unfortunately my child became sick that day, so we had to skip that Diwali visit for a day.
    That night my H visited them alone, but MIL shut their door on his face and went inside.
    It was too insulting because he was there with the other kids then.

    They behave as if he has ruined the relationship and they show no interest in patching up.
    In fact, we shouldn't be forgiving them as they have no repentance for what they have done to us.
    There is no guarantee that they will change for good.
    And I feel bad that my H doesn't see the fact that it was his folks who ruined his marriage and now their relationship with him...
    But he thinks it was me who came in between and it was our bad luck that didn't sync between us and PILS.

    When PILs gave troubles to co sisters, my BILs stood firm and acted against them.
    And PILS didnt even give too much troubles for co sisters because they came through arranged way and they are distant relatives. Hence share a lot in common. Whereas ours was an inter faith marriage and I am an outsider for them. Hence MIL is dead against me.

    I don't really mind whether he goes back to them or not.
    But I can't take any more abuse or insult from them hereafter.
    I am broke because my H failed to distinguish who is what even after 11 years of this marriage.

    Tomorrow is our 11th wedding anniversary. I cried my heart out this evening at a church for everything I had to suffer in these 11 years and to continue the same with no rewards.
     
    Caughtinbetween likes this.
  8. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    11 years..oh my!! I'm not able to clear the 3rd year peacefully... especially in the in laws aspect..
    I really appreciate you handling so many things all by yourself.. I'm very sure you have had your fair share of societal pressure for the gender role..

    but I have noticed construction does get the couples into lot of fights..

    I'm very young to advice anything.. you both have survied a decade you can go about a few more with the strength you have shown. I'm very sure this phase will pass and recently being your birthday and wedding anniversary I really you will be gifted with all the happiness that you deserve..
     
    SGBV likes this.
  9. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    HI SGBV your world is so much similar to mine. SGBV as your sister and friend I wanted to give you advice my therapist gave me. My financial situation is same as you and your DH. I would, when he made decisions with out me or spend large amounts without telling me say then how you gonna pay for it, or I would remind him that I pay for 95% of expenses. Therapist told me men are natural providers and leaders and when you throw in their face and make them aware they don't have the money to cover expenses, it is really really a big attack on their manhood and it is like kicking them in the privates. They know they are not good providers but they don't want to be faced with it. Reason I say this , is you like me, want to stay with your DH and hence you just can't go to far reminding him of his financial disabilities., this took me a long time to change. Already i guess the guys feels you are great at everything and he is in your shadow. That is why it is imperative to tread carefully if you throw anything in their face about money. I am not agreeing that your DH is right, but it is just a man's make up and bruised ego. And if you want to stay in marriage then you can't say why don't you want to pay for it etc. My therapist made me realize this, that it is so shattering to men. I hope you don't mind my advice, it has helped my m marriage immensely. I know people may not agree with me, but this helps in situation when you want to stay married. My husband also cut off his parents for me b/c they were abusing me badly. But then when we would have argument about money he said he left his parents for me and all their money (they are quite wealthy). My therapist says they don't mean it when they say that, it is just a natural attack back, and they want to fight back and also hit where it hurts. Hope this helps. Wishing you the best!!!
     
  10. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Hi SGBV,

    Agree with Sunshine1970 here.

    Men just cannot take it when they are called out on their inability to provide for the family, no matter how much that is true and how much that affects his dependants.

    Well I don't know about your financial arrangements, but how about having a joint account to have some "our" discussions instead of "my/mine/I" sorts? He is most likely attacking you from his insecurities. See if you can reassure him.

    But, I see your pain. Strength to you!
     

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