I am guilty!

teacher · Feb 4, 2012

IBC, your last post reminded me of a student of mine.

B was one of the nicest and kindest kids...and whenever another kid was troubled it was his nature to offer to help. But you know what? The other kids didn't want his help...they couldn't understand that his offer was out of a genuine interest and not out of a self serving need. Unfortunately that only hurt B more...because he couldn't understand why the others rejected his help. At some point it had become a cycle that was too hard to break...sometimes you can offer and others won't take it. it is not a reflection on you...others come with too many issues...

Reflection123 · Feb 4, 2012

I appreciate your refusing to take any abuse. But I somehow can't appreciate (maybe I am wrong), talking about the issues in your marital life to your son. I think instead of telling him how you were led into behaving that way because of your husband's attitude..even if you had a emotional spur inside you...which was ok and only a human reaction, I don't see a reason to tell your son anything that's personal between you and your husband. When your husband brings your relatives names into an argument(first try to have argument in private--but I understand its not possible to have ALL arguments in private), just tell him that you will not hear all that, and walk out that time. when you're alone with your husband ......then bring up the issue of WHY exactly he speaks ill of your family.....that time deal with it in your own way---

I mean every-time you feel abused, if its front of children....just AVOID reacting on anything, and fight to the best of your spirits when you're ALONE with hubby. If by chance you have reacted in front of your kids---even then don't discuss your emotional/personal marital issues with your kids, they should not a part of such complexities!!

Ibehindcurtain · Feb 4, 2012

teacher said: ↑

IBC, your last post reminded me of a student of mine.

B was one of the nicest and kindest kids...and whenever another kid was troubled it was his nature to offer to help. But you know what? The other kids didn't want his help...they couldn't understand that his offer was out of a genuine interest and not out of a self serving need. Unfortunately that only hurt B more...because he couldn't understand why the others rejected his help. At some point it had become a cycle that was too hard to break...sometimes you can offer and others won't take it. it is not a reflection on you...others come with too many issues...
Click to expand...

Okay...Thank you for drawing my attention to this aspect too. Yes, some things may be our 'personal needs' and not others needs. I would not like to forget to 'offer' only if it is the others need. And I would not mind on getting the refusal either. Thanks teacher again for the addition of another lesson.

Ibehindcurtain · Feb 4, 2012

Reflection123 said: ↑

I appreciate your refusing to take any abuse. But I somehow can't appreciate (maybe I am wrong), talking about the issues in your marital life to your son. I think instead of telling him how you were led into behaving that way because of your husband's attitude..even if you had a emotional spur inside you...which was ok and only a human reaction, I don't see a reason to tell your son anything that's personal between you and your husband. When your husband brings your relatives names into an argument(first try to have argument in private--but I understand its not possible to have ALL arguments in private), just tell him that you will not hear all that, and walk out that time. when you're alone with your husband ......then bring up the issue of WHY exactly he speaks ill of your family.....that time deal with it in your own way---

I mean every-time you feel abused, if its front of children....just AVOID reacting on anything, and fight to the best of your spirits when you're ALONE with hubby. If by chance you have reacted in front of your kids---even then don't discuss your emotional/personal marital issues with your kids, they should not a part of such complexities!!
Click to expand...

Thank you very much Reflection 123.

I wonder, why could not I think about this earlier?

But dear, let me say, when is the time, when he would like to sit with me alone???

If he would have been finding such time to sit with me alone, there would had been no issue from my side at all.

I would try to have that kind of private time with my husband if possible and I would then like to discuss all these issues thenafter.

Thank you very much dear. It really makes sense that what kind of environment are we creating for the kids as the parents. That is not at all responsible behavior either from his side or even from my side too. It is different if we could not become a good spouse, but we are indirectly, also not being a good parent.

Now, as you have refreshed this part of parenting, I would see that it is worked out in best possible way from my side.

I dont have the words to 'thank you' for your this advice. God Bless.

Reflection123 · Feb 4, 2012

you're very welcome . I think you must be an awesome wife and mother, as u really seem to have shown a lot of patience with your husband, and you seem to be a nice, sensitive and responsible person too. I just felt that it must be very overwhelming for you, and when times get really difficult and emotions pent up inside, its herculean to completely save the kids from the trickle down effect of emotions that need to vent out. So I just wanted to leave that note as a reminder, that no matter what the kids must be guarded. Sometimes kids ask themselves ask questions like "Why does daddy act like this?", "Why do you cry?", "Why are you both upset with each other?". I understand its difficult to avoid answering them---and that time its only human to want to share our side of the story. But from my perspective, it would be more rational to tell them a very diluted and neutral version, and save them from the trauma that our own hearts are so exposed to. They need to be re-assured that everything is ok with mummy and daddy.....something like "mummy daddy had a little disagreement over something, but its all sorted out now. we both have said sorry to each other...it's all good now."

And puhleeez dont feel guilty, you've done no crime. Your heart just needs some kind of solace. Maybe you should do something to pamper yourself and reward yourself for being such a good mother and wife!!....