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I am guilty!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ibehindcurtain, Jan 30, 2012.

  1. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    I raised the voice before my husband today.

    He is the person I love a lot. He is the person I have cared a lot. He is the person, I adore a lot. I have liked to do 'charan sparsh' to this person and add 'ji' behind his name.

    But this person has never valued me. He does not have time for me. He does not consider nor values my all contributions for his life. He has been abusing me emotionally, morally, psychologically and physically.

    The physical abuse stopped after I called the cops once. I kept telling him at the same time that "You are important and I love you. This was not to hurt you but just to see that I am safe".

    He was okay after some time. The things started going smooth.

    I was able to work out so many issues except he not calling me or appreciating for what I am doing. He does not find the time for me. He does not ever appreciate me for my contribution for him. Everytime, if there is any problem, I am alone. I have to tell myself that I am a woman. I can make the great difference in the environment. My thinking would impact more on kids than any others thinking. He is never there to help me with my household problems or other. Though he is the hardworking person and I appreciate him for his focus on business and social nature. He cuts off the topic if I ever open my mouth to talk with the guest at home or the friends outside. He does not give me chance to speak anything.

    To my mother, this is not the problem. To my mother, it is woman's duty to look after the husband and be his shadow in whatever time. We should live what ever life that he gives and we have to surrender ourselves completely to our husband.

    To me, we should be a team. Husband and wife should spend time together and they should be the emotional support to each other. They should plan, set goal and dream together. They should see the kids growing and together contribute in imbibing good cultural and spiritual values to the kids.

    However, today, I did different thing. I 'reacted' to my husband's words. Instead of keeping quiet (my mother would like my such behavior) or defending myself and giving explanation, I also did say 'hard words' to him.

    I really feel very guilty for my behavior. More than that, I saw how my 14 years old son felt seeing his mother using the same words as his father. I would not, even in my wild dream, wish to give such kind of family environment to my kids. Thank fully my 3 years old daughter was asleep by then.

    When he is not in mood, he would start speaking against my father, my mother, my brother and my bhabhis. He would connect all my private matters that I have shared with him in front of the kids. Today, I also did take part in that kind of abuse. I 'labelled' him that you are very 'weak' to name my other relatives in the matter instead of discussing the problem and finding the solution.

    I told him that the next time if he takes name of any of my relative then I would take it as the 'emotional abuse' and would not tolerate anymore.

    I thenafter told my son in private, what I had found in one of the esteemed writer Varalotti's story that to catch the wrong-doer, the police has to also wrongly increase the speed over speed zone.

    I apologised my son in private about my behavior and that I would stop my this behavior once your father starts caring me or what I do.

    I am still feeling guilty. I wish that may God help my family to live a loving and understanding life. I wish that may God be our strength and courage and direct us to lead the right path. I wish that may God forgive me for my words.

    I am very sorry.
     
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  2. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry, but I didn't quite get why you feeling guilty. Are you saying its because you raised your voice against your husband in a verbal fight? Hm, never heard a woman say that before, so am a bit confused.
     
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  3. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    What are you feeling sorry for??? You stood for yourself....good for you!!!! You dont have to be apologetic to hold your self-respect.... do you think if you had been a doormat listening to life long abuses, your son would respect you for it??? No, by standing up for yourself you have showed your son how important it is to hold on to ones self-respect and dignity even in marriage.... when he looks back, he will feel proud that you didnt allow yourself to be browbeaten by your husband....yoru husband too will realise that he cannot take your timidity for granted anymore and will change for the better.

    Stop feelign sorry and feel proud and pat yourself on your back that you have taken one step towards taking control of your life and i am sure your relationship with your husband will improve with a new confident and positive you!!
     
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  4. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear IBC, good for you that you are peaking out from behind the curtain. My heart goes out to you and your suffering and wish you lots of strenght to take wise decision, not only for you but also for your kids.

    However, I think you should feel guitly!!! But not for speaking up for yourself, but for submitted your kids to a family life, where they learn, that women have no value.

    Your kids are learning their self-esteem from you, so be a great role model in the future.
     
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  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear IBC,
    You are a gem of a person, you always reply so nicely to all posters . Hope your DH also learns to appreciate you , maybe he feels inferior because of his handicap and tries to put you down.
    You did the right thing by answering him back , now he will think twice before he speaks ill of you and your family.
    Take care.
     
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  6. Ganaraya

    Ganaraya Bronze IL'ite

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    you did nothing wrong for which you should feel guilty. most indian women are conditioned from childhood to accept their husbands no matter how wrongly they behave. why?

    i admire you for sticking up for yourself, for taking the time to explain to your son the reasoning behind your words. he is growing up to be a man. don't let his father's treatment of you become the model for his behavior towards his future wife. i can understand you have constraints that compel you to stay in this marriage. but keep your dignity intact.

    tell him you want to talk to him. no anger, no old accusations. have a heart to heart with your husband. share your thoughts about being a team in this marriage. about building a happy and secure home life for the children, what is the use of all this fighting, does he want to grow old bitter and alone? or create a bond now, that will mature and evolve with time. tell him to really think about this. leave the room. at best, it may compel him to reevaluate how he has conducted his life so far and if he can change. at worst, his mind remains closed and the status quo remains unchanged.
     
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  7. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    Dear bukbuk,

    I am feeling guilty for
    1) using indecent word for my husband whom I love and respect a lot.
    2) allowing all this to happen in front of my 14 years old son.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2012
  8. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you Sumitha,

    That would really help. I really wish that may everything that you said is in-stored in the future. Thank you for your feedback. Each suggestion from IL friend is very precious in my this time.
     
  9. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you Bebe,

    I would certainly try to be a competent role model for my kids. I love them very much and I wish that they get the ideal learning environment from the house. It is sad that I wanted to always demonstrate the deep value of our culture to my kids living far away from our country and I am demonstrating some thing else. I wish that may this be for the last time and may such situation never come again in my life where I have to raise my voice against my husband. May he understands my value though I understand that the progress is not overnight, I pray for things to get right asap. Thanks.
     
  10. Ibehindcurtain

    Ibehindcurtain Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you dear flower lady,

    Your these many posts have made me bit dependent on your suggestions too and want to know on every event that what do you think about the new change.

    I am happy that you found something good in me and you are happy with my posts. Thank you for being my strength this time. In fact, thanks to all the precious angels in Indus ladies who spared their time to inspire me in right direction. Your words would not only contribute to the temporary change but also to the permanent change in our life. Thank you.
     

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