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Husband Without Values - How To Manage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Reesha, Apr 15, 2019.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    i am facing issue with my husband, because of difference between our way of thinking, feelings and more ever ethical values differences. I brought up under fully educated family circumstances which is filled up my mind with some ethical values about way of life and values need to be fallowed in case of relationship.

    i believe belief and love are more important between husband and wife than any other factor. responsibility towards each other should be equal so on...as a wife i believed my husband as guard of my life and he is going to secure me during my life time specially in critical situations. (am i wrong?)

    but my husband brought up in non educated family and ge knows how to earn more but not how to behave with wife. some of issues i am facing...

    1. he had insulted me 4-5 times in 8 yrs of life in front of others for personal reasons which supposed to in between us(most of time in front of his mother and father. they are with us only. so no privacy to fight :( )
    2.He loves their parents too much(i dont have problem), but feels insecure in their service. as they are diabetic patients they need on time fresh breakfast, lunch and dinner. if due to any reason like my illness or my busy schedule, if i unable to prepare food for them on time he became like a mad and bullying me with out listening my reason.
    3. he hesitate to listen any of my problems which is raising due to his parents activities and became very frustrated. in such cases he shouted like "get out of my house" or "you dont have place hear" kind of dialogues.

    we both are well educated and working as software engineers(i chosen freelancing for my 2 kids. having 2 month old baby and staying at moms house as of now). unless he is angry, at remaining we both are silent friendly( he is very less talker.) and acting as formal colleagues. he will talk actively only at sex time. and remaining time he likes to spent with my 5 yr older son. since his most of time spent with son and laptap, i didnt get 5 min of his time every day atleat not even 10 minutes personal time to discuss my feelings or emotions or any other house hold works.
    we are discussing house hold and kids related things on whatsapp only from long time onwards.

    he doesnt tried to spend with me alone if time permits, he liked to read book or watch TV.

    finally he dont have nice romantic feelings, actions towards me but he took care of my medical needs and needs of home cum kids.

    but i got hurted allot, because 2 months ago i discharged from hospital with newborn and cesarian stitches. at same time her mother started acting at home as mentally depressed patient. at that time he behaved like stranger with me and forgets my situation. one eavining cook didnt came on 3rd day of my discharge. that day he came from office and asking me to what cooked for their parents(mother inlaw is fine and she is simply acting as tired) with out thinking of i am mother of newborn with stitches.

    that whole 2 weeks he cares about his mother only, but not even asked about my health and stitches. i felt like abonded in that house and even shouted on me like" u dont have no place at home if you want to point out my parents", because i questioned their non supportive nature when i am with newborn and need medical attention. i served them from 5 yrs with my cooking. finally i left that house silently with tears along with 2 kids.

    ladies i am asking, as per indian law we dont have right on husbands property before his death. ofcourse house EMI paid by him only(he is able to do pre payment because i consumed my salary for house hold things for a while which is not visible in sheets/transactions that much easily). but as per indian tradition, girl dont have choice to stay away or to construct/buy her own house because need to live with husband due to tradition and for kids sake even though she is earning. i am also earning, and i am also have finance to rent a house for me. my parents are able to support me to buy a new apartment as well on my own. but hear i cant take these steps because we have mid bonding kids. even though we are not syncing to each other we both are acting as good parents infront of kids.

    now i have to again step into his house( i didnt feel its mine) actually which i am hating really now. but i have to because for my UKG kid who supposed to start his schooling in next JUNE. ladies how to overcome this situation and i am feeling very in secure in that home because i felt as stranger there who dont have any respect from other members of that house. just seeing me as care takers of kids, cooking cum cleaning manger.

    i mean no heartfull respect and love on me in my husbands heart, he is behaving formally as a colleague in case of all other activities, only behaving as lover in case of sex with romantic talks. my mom saying i am really innocent girl in case of him and over estimated his actions as love towards me which is not actually.
    now it seems to be right, because real love will not neglect in critical conditions.
     
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  2. PurpleDreamzz

    PurpleDreamzz New IL'ite

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    You are 2 months post partum period. Just take rest at mother's place and take care of yourself and kids.

    Yes, you have gone through a lot and they have treated you like a doormat. It's time to stand up for yourself and not lose self respect.

    After marriage, as per hindu laws, a husband's house is equally legally wife's house too. So next time he says get out of my house, tell him it's legally yours too and if at all he wants you to leave, you would not hesitate to involve the laws.

    Tell your husband to hire cook if his parents want to be served with fresh meals. Be diplomatic instead of complaining about them doing nothing.

    Meanwhile, secure yourself financially as if he is constantly telling/threatening you to get out of house, you should be able to be financially strong that in case of such worst scenario, you can have sufficient funds to find a new house and move out with kids.
    Don't openly discuss your salary,accounts,savings etc with him.

    Learn to be assertive to not fight/point fingers/blame him or his parents but stand up for yourself.

    8years is a long time and with his parents in same house, I don't think he will change his behaviour.

    A wife is not a free servant who cooks cleans and pleases her husband in bed! He is using you like a puppet to satisfy his physical needs.

    A healthy marriage requires understanding each others needs and emotional bonding along with physical bonding. Not just sex!.
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet Finest Post Winner

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    A long list of "what should be.." can be prescribed... however for the current dysfunctional situation drastic shock therapy could help.
    In the case of the OP, she needs to befriend a good lady divorce lawyer, and get an opinion.
    The husband had already more than hinted the exact same thing:
    " he shouted like "get out of my house" or "you dont have place hear""
     
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  4. SaiNiharika

    SaiNiharika Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear friends,
    Mine is also same situation like Reesha. My husband never gives me financial independence. He manages my salary accounts. For 10 rs also I have to ask my husband. He will offer me also amounts 100, 150 like that. He puts 1000 in home and asks me to spend if any urgency. If I spent form my own he becomes serious and shouts me that as I spent 1 lakh rupees. He always serious on me on financial matters. If I want to buy a dress he says that at now he don't have any idea to bought. That answers hurts my ego a lot. I am also earning equally y I need his permission. If I asks about that he kept silent and did not talk me even a months. He complains on me that I am proud , egoistic never listens his words like that . He irritates me by saying all these types of words. I am not understanding how to deal him. why he is that much miser. What to change his attitude. He never respects my feelings. If I igoner his feelings he felt that I made a big mistake. What to do please reply and show the proper way. 11 yrs married life completed
     
  5. Amulet

    Amulet Finest Post Winner

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    You must tell (yourself first, and then the rest of us) why you had been that way for the last 11 years, and pay for that privilege too. Once you figured out what made you endure your life, you will know how to change yourself, as well as whatever else that is in your control to change.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019
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  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Congratulations on your new baby.
    Tell your dh is a lovely way that you are also worried about his parents. Sorry , you cannot take that responsibility now. Be firm. Your hands are full with two kids to take care and a weak body. So he should take care of his parents and their diet.He can appoint a maid to give them food or medicine on time. If he makes any noise (yes), just ignore.

    Right now you need rest and sleep. May be you need a maid to assist you. Invest you money for that. Take care of yourself well. Once you gain health back ask those questions @Amulet mentioned above. You will get an answer.

    @SaiNiharika , sorry to say, you are partially responsible for this situation. Why did you give your salary to him. OK you believed him , but why didnt you stop this behavior or take any actions against it in the beginning itself. You are an adult, if you know how to earn a job , you can manage money well. You dont need a babysitter. Even after giving your salary, he is treating you like a doormat. He is using silent treatment to control you. Do you have access to his accounts. Why he cannot give that. Are you afraid of him . Why? Have a discussion with him on how its affecting you and your love and respect towards him. Tell him you are not ready to tolerate this behavior.

    If I am in your position, if he shouts again for asking a few rupees, I will start a new account and transfer my salary to there. And contribute only the percentage needed to the common account for home expenses. Let him shout or go for silent treatment or whatever, just ignore. Let it continue until he is ready to talk. Give that shock treatment to him. You are his wife not slave. He has to grow up and behave like a husband not as a boss. Think about it. Or he has to reach a middle ground. You buy whatever you want. Let him complain. Don't take that to your heart. Relax and observe, see how he is using his words to control you.

    If you are afraid start a secret account like mentioned in many posts in IL, but the problem is he may get suspicious once you stop asking money. Never reveal your pay increase or full salary information if this is the way you like. Transparency should be in both ways. You can control only yourself and your actions. Do what you think is right.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019
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  7. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Do you have to live a life like this?
    You have another property, stay with kids. Stay with your parents. Your husband wants you to be a servant. Stop worrying about the society. Better focus on your health, kids and your parents instead of spineless human like your husband and ungrateful parent in laws.

     
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  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    You ignore his feelings then
    Let him say what he wants.
    You live according to ur wishes
     
  9. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    @lukywife absolutely i dot want live like...but i cant spoil innocent kids relationship with their dad. my husband not loving me. but he is loving his kids. i am posting my plan of action to beat with him in another thread.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Did he insist that you cut down on house work in the last trimester? Does that show that he cares about you? Or did you construe that as selfish concern only about the unborn?

    That is sad. He should know by now that his mom is the kind of person who does not like others (like new mom) getting attention and care and start their pretend suffering.

    You know that he tends to overdo the Shravana Kumar mummy-daddy amma-nana garu seva thing. So, a cool response could be 'cook didn't come today, baby is cranky, I am trying to decide menu.' Means - state the obvious to him without :BangHead: why he can't get that without being told.

    You are a smart working woman brought up in educated family. Why ask questions to which there are no acceptable answers? Why bring up their non supportive nature when it won't help you in any way?

    "i served them from 5 yrs with my cooking."
    Was this completely out of the goodness of your heart or were there some benefits for you and your husband such as your in-laws supervise the nanny/maid who looks after your older child?

    This period of staying at your mother's house and coming back is a good time to start some new practices. Make food/cook management the responsibility of others.
     
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