Husband-wife Relationship...still Exists???

Damn true ...

 

Can’t agree more

 

@Rihana
First of all, I am not a kid to run to the admin, or protest here to for something I read in the internet, that too in an anonymous forum.
I am a matured woman, and I expressed my views honestly based on what I think.
And that's what OP expects from the people here.

When I posted my marital problems here, like financial issues blah...blah blah as you rightly pointed out above, many Lites expressed their stand on that openly too. Just like you, they too have expressed it would be the end of marriage.
But for me, it wasn't enough to end an otherwise loving relationship. Hence I worked hard to change it accordingly.
I did not feel bad, or pick "words after words" of the comments of those respondents (or didn't even go back to their threads to post some of their issues to make my point clear) to express my disagreement.
Rather, I just disagreed and took what suits me best.

Here I've stated my opinion. i.e I cant even imagine a marital relationship where there is no physical and no emotional relationship between the spouse.
Just like how I worked so hard to figure out where my marriage went wrong (in terms of H's financial matters), I urged @anika987 to also try to understand the root cause of her problem. Bcz it is not normal according to me.
People liked my post and appreciated it and even PMed me for my braveness to raise that point openly here.
At the same time, some people expressed their disagreement, rather diplomatically.
And here, you are bringing my otherwise unrelated personal issue, and giving unusually a huge weight on my word about that rather casual statement on conservative woman.. This is your style.

As you said, different strokes for different people...
After all, we are in an open forum!!!

Let's just leave it here. I really don't have time to dig through your personal threads in IL to search if I could grab something to make you uncomfortable to win this argument.
I rest my comments on this thread here.

@anika987 if you want, you may PM me

 

@Rihana I liked your reply in response to SGBV’s moment on “conservative Indian woman “ .It caught my goat too. But to bring up her responses to other posts could have been avoided? Don’t you think ?

 

SGBV,The matter you wanted to convey to Anika may be right. But there is something meanness in your tone of writing especially in Anika's threads.... I noticed this before too. Any reason??

 

Anika from your husband's point of view, many men do experience a decrease in their *** drive as they grow older...such a hectic schedule really plays havoc with personal life..

I have been on the other side..im in India and you know how work schedules are here. during newly married days I was in a junior and low pressure role where I was more relaxed and work was good, I also got ample work life balance and could spend time with my husband..but a year later I changed to a new position, which had long working hours , I.e I would get up at 6am, do cooking, pack lunch, have breakfast, get ready, leave home at 9 am, spend two hours commuting to office in traffic....then work in high stress job from 11 to 8 pm, another hour or so in commuting home..reached home by 9-9.30 pm just ready to collapse ...some weeks and weekends I would be put on call continuously, else I would stay back late on Fridays to complete pending workload..believe me I was so damn drained out of all energy, managing household, cooking , job and family....top it all I was in a very toxic work environment, bitchy colleagues and bad managers and team leads, really my personal life went for a toss..I too would sleep for hours together on weekend afternoons and would sometimes cancel outings because I just wanted to sit at home and relax..,physical and mental exhaustion..

I moved out of that job to another one the next year itself and made amends for what I had missed out..
Now I'm not working but I shudder when I remember those days of intense tiredness and depression.

Being a primary bread winner is not easy for your husband, he would be concerned about financial stability and giving you and your kid a decent lifestyle..he has accepted that you don't want to work so he may want to put in the extra effort to do well..

He is confident that you're managing home and child nicely so maybe just taking u a little bit for granted..
Not supporting him or saying that he is right, I'm just giving you my perspective.
Some people are able to compartmentalise work pressure from family life, some can't..

Try having a honest discussion with your husband when he is in a good mood..
Encourage him also to pursue yoga and fitness related stuff that you practice, to be healthy and happy.
Recommending a good health checkup for him to confirm that all is ok..
When he wakes up refreshed from his nap, this would be the time to entice him for a quickie, what say?

 

Good one. Low sexual drive could have a medical reason also. Anika, check his harmone levels.

 

Anika

I wanted to reply to this thread for a long time, but was holding back for some reason and I don't even know why!! I have only skimmed through other responses, so forgive me if I am repeating some things.

From reading your OP, I don't find anything particularly wrong or alarming, but just what a lot of us inching towards the 40s, that have been married reasonably long tend to experience. I think it's just the comfort of routine and predictability that causes, sort of an intertia is how I am seeing this. While some people can easily snap out of it, some people require some kind of push, and that is your husband, I think.

I think communication is the key here. As I have observed with my own husband, some things just don't strike him on his own. He needs to be specifically instructed, he needs to be specifically told that I need attention, and unless I take the initiative to tell him what my expectations are, he thinks everything is fine and just is happily living in his world, doing the usual, routine stuff (like taking care of kids and others chores etc.), thinking that is enough. I don't think they do this intentionally, some people are wired to only think that far is what I have learned in 12 years of marriage!

Also, anytime in the past, have you for some or the other reason not responded to him or his attemtpts at communication/intimacy? (It could be for a totally justified reason) If yes, it could be that he is just feeling embarrassed to take the initiative again, for fear of being refused. Think about it. (Please do not think that I am saying you should always ready, but I think communication is required here also. If something is bothering you that you just do not want to respond they way your spouse expects, I think that you owe the spouse an explanation at least, even if it is something as basic as you not being in the mood!!)

I think living here in the US, it is very easy to get stuck in the rut of routine, especially as kids grow older and do not seem to "need" you as much as when they were little, we suddenly seem to wake up one day and realize that we have nothing special to look forward to in life. I totally get what you're feeling. And I get that it can be especially during winters (I go through bouts where I want to bang my head even in the Bay Area winter!!!). While your husband has the outlet of work and being outside the house for a good part of the day, you have the time to overthink and over analyze, and that is also probably just pushing you into this spiral of not being able to go and just take the action to reset things back to normal.

I think what you should do now is talk, talk to your husband. Friday evening, after the child goes to bed, just start by watching a movie together or maybe tell him about some house project you want to undertake and start a discussion. I think being stuck in this rut of non-communication probably started off with some small conflict or mis-understanding, which just resulted in both of you hoping the other would take initiative to resolve and just grew to this stage. You guys just need to find something to do together. One of you has to take the initiative to break the ice, and since you're the one we are talking to, you take the initiative.