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Husband-wife Relationship...still Exists???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Sep 14, 2018.

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  1. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @Laks09 you bet, i unwatch most threads. These days i would rather delete my post than being patrolled by grammar police and more.. i once said this to sri(cheeniya) too that i don't want to be picked on these. (What with meds induced buzz and restricted mobilty) i am happy posting food pictures as someone pointed..

    Sorry for the hijack @anika987
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
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  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    I’ve taken it in right spirit. It was a faux pas on my end and @Amulet pointed it out, rather publicly.

    :openmouth::openmouth: Come on. Hum to Abhi jawaan hai, regardless of what my post insinuated. Still laughing. I’m never going to live this down here. I already got whatsapped about this!
    Likewise, Anika. I think we need a chatter thread again!
     
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  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Not a hijack at all. We all write posts and comments. And for each reader of that, it may hit where we want, or elsewhere. It is true for the first post of this thread as well as all the comments that followed.
    Happy that you are having a good laugh. There is nothing to live down. Goodly number may still be scratching their heads about this, and pretty soon we'd all move on to other things that are hotter and heavier. I had been in America, Canada, UK and Holland. I think the young[er] people who live there in those western countries have lots of opportunities to learn and do things that are still not all that easy for the same age people in India. Although I had not read all the other posts of the OP, I understood from posts in this thread that she has a deal where dH had "given her all his worldly goods, and let her manage the happiness of the homestead", the classic wedding vow ! All she has to do is find out where there are gaps between what-should-be and what-is and fill them. Easy!
     
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  4. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    I haven’t read other posters reply. So mine might have been a repeat one and if so pardon for same.

    Given your posts it seems that the lack of libido is the concern now. If it had started for only one year that means he had been otherwise well before that. So had it started after him joining the new work which obviously is very long hours. The way you wrote shows that he had been away from home for 12 hours or more including the travel time. That’s a very long time. As you told he is working hard and that will cause more stress and possible anxiety. Have you ever had any discussion about the stress he has at work?! Most guys would not be forthcoming with any official work stress and wouldn’t like to bring it home. But that doesn’t mean they are fine with regards to it. Your husband might be worried about a lot, being the sole bread winner he might be anxious about taking care of family, financial stability etc etc.

    All it takes is a bit of chat on that front. You can later discuss the lack of libido. You can solve this with a relaxed chat. If still having trouble just ask a doctor’s opinion.

    Everything started one year ago means look for the cause, which in your situation looks more due to lifestyle stress providing that your husband has no medical issues. From whatever you have written he seems a reasonable and understanding husband. So have a good chat with him like how you did here.

    Stress is for both genders but couples should have good understanding to get over it. Good luck to you.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Separate thread needed. Big question. And anyway, how do we define OK? Pondering on OK so much I am reminded of the "I'm OK -- You're OK" book and theory. According to that there are four positions (Dear God, please don't let Amulet read this, set thread to unwatch in settings) that each of us may take. The four positions are:
    1. I'm Not OK, You're OK
    2. I'm Not OK, You're Not OK
    3. I'm OK, You're Not OK
    4. I'm OK, You're OK
    So much of loaded, I dare say, insinuation, in the above observation. At a minimum, I have to say, even "modern" Indian women do not commonly "wander outside for sex."

    Was it really so challenging to figure out that yoga and decor change were being suggested for cheering up and towards making a happier her, which could lead to the desired happier relationship?

    Good for you. Really. But I have to ask, so what? Not all might be wired to have sex when the ambience is lacking or if not at peace mentally.
    Is a need but comparing it to hunger, thirst is hyperbole. Breathing, water, food, sleep, clothing, shelter... then maybe sex comes in the list.

    Yes, got you. But what you don't get is that for some people messy house or unsettled mind with unresolved issues can be a turn off.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I very much get your point above and the other points...
    But what I tried to say is.... messy house, unsettled problem etc can definitely be a turn off. But it can never be a reason for zero sex life.
    This is my point.
    As I described in my other example...
    A messy house, unsettled problem can influence a lot negatively; hence you may not like to eat or sleep
    But that alone can never be the reason if you avoid food altogether and can't sleep at all.

    Even people have sex during war times, during their flight as refugees and sometimes after a tragedy at home. It changes their mood, the frequency and definitely becomes a turn off for sure. But that doesn't stop them having sex completely.
    This is my point.

    All in all, I wanted to highlight @anika987 should think whether her H has any other health issues or low libido or whatever and the try addressing them.
     
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  7. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV , Interior decor or changing of drapes will not improve the sex life directly. However, most of us do tend to feel gloomy as the cold weather approaches. The sun that brings us warmth is no longer bringing us the warmth; its clod and white outside. There are no leaves and its a pain to clean the frozen car and get going. All we want to do is stay in bed. Its OK for a day or two to just do that, stay in bed. But you have good 4-5 months of this weather. So, improving/ adjusting the indoor setting automatically lifts the mood. At least me, I am happier if I have yellow tulips and green drapes adorning the room than the same old grey stuff. You need to be happy isnt it?

    So when you are in a better mood, the chances of indulging in physical intimacy are also more. Mind you, i am not talking about people who are already having a good sex-life. I am just pointing out that adjusting a few other things will surely help in adjusting the mood for intimacy. I hope this clears a bit of confusion.

    I get what you are saying, address the root cause. I agree. But i am saying is apply a band aid to stop the loss of life, while looking for an organ transplant.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @anika987 dear

    Your complaints are very valid according to me. But it may differ from person to person
    Yes, most spouses are super busy. In my case, I even stay out of the country for work, and return home once in 6 weeks only.
    My H is busy too. Amidst, we have 2 naughty kids, who sleep very late.
    There can be 100000s of reasons, but the truth is we are together for this special "relationship" only. That's why we are married for.
    If it is for just friendship or platonic relationship, then I have so many other options than my H.


    Definitely not... But after participating in your thread, I too have the same question in mind.
    Many people seem to be in terms with this it seems.
    I personally will not appreciate a 'room met' type of a marriage.
    For me, emotional connect, sexual intimacy and the companionship in a marriage at any stage is a must.
    May be after my 50s, I might think differently, but not now
     
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  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    "Support"? That's a new one for me, @Laks09. :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    SGBV, I'll be more candid than usual and give some background before I say more. Something about "conservative Indian women" got my goat. OP's profile by any standard does not fit the 'conservative' label. Gym, yoga, able to think and post about such matters, yada yada... these are definitely quite modern. In addition, I was reading more, posting less past few days. Noticed that in the "colleague's morals vs happiness"dilemma thread and the 'what is moral, what is immoral' discussion, you have essentially talked down to those who have a middle'ish or opposite opinion. I've likened you to some admirable women leaders of countries in the past, so haq banta hai (can take liberty) of saying this too (hopefully).

    Different strokes for different people. (Dear God, that Amulet-wala-prayer still stands).

    "Many people seem to be in terms with this it seems."
    Yep. We can be surprised at what people come to terms with in life, in marriage, and in many situations and relationships. And what can be a deal-breaker for some, but not for others. For example, for me, transparency regarding money and finances is very important. Not down to the last penny, but we both need to have a reasonable idea of where at least 70-80% of each one's earning is going. If one was bending over backwards to make money for the family, and the other was being very evasive and secretive about his/her money, and this continued despite protests, it would be the end of the marriage. Hard to explain why.. it is how it is.

    You have used many examples from your life to drive home your point about the importance of sex. Many many examples. So, it is fair enough for the above to be brought up. If you disagree, I will request admins to delete post, and deliver an unqualified apology.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018
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