Husband-wife Relationship...still Exists???

@Laks09 I was not specifically referring to your response but the overall responses were going in the direction that I found surprising. You are right this is something for her to decide . I only wanted to emphasize that she need not feel guilty or apologetic for feeling the way she does . Sorry if it came across as being directed at your response.

Let me take this opportunity to tell you I find your responses in most posts pretty refreshing , mature and well thought!

 

I hope you understand that there is no universal right and wrong that applies to a progression of marriage in general . What might be normal for one person might be totally unacceptable for the other . The big question here is what are you ok with ? Are you ok with no connect as husband and wife because we say so ? This might be a namkewaste problem for someone , maybe not for you . That is for you and only you to decide after reading responses here.

We are all busy with work, kids but what makes us human is the brief moments of connect . We are not robots . If you see the western world there is a big emphasis on work life balance. Work hard but when with family just savor the moment . My husband has a high stress job , lots of travel but it is important to me that we stay connected throughout. A brief text is also important , sometimes we make it fun with lots of puns . Call it our way of flirting or being the husband and wife moment ( not mom and dad )
This again is my opinion. You need to be able to make that judgement for you.

 

Anika, don't look for how others feel and their judgement because this is your life, your feelings are important for you and don't need to generalize.
We need both emotional and physical attachement with life partner throughout life. What you are expecting isn't crime/sin. Please feel free and open up to your hubby completely. Whatever, you are telling that your hubby is good and supportive so I hope he understands you. My best wishes to you!

 

Wow, so much confusion over a couple of bright drapes.. it was not a remedy for lack of intimacy or emotional rapport

the drapes suggestion was for her query on sun lamps and her stating winters make her more gloomy. SAD, .(seasonal effective disorder) is true and i was suggesting that for the same.

Sometimes simple changes like sunny bright curtains can trick a mind and help.. no harm in trying is my opinion.


The issue of emotional distance or lack of intimacy has to be worked upon through communication. If we for example take @Laks09, she states that thinking is hard for her, i would tell her, cut yourself a little slack laks09, let it happen when it happens,because knowing her through her post, it is quite difficult for mom handling a special needs child, her fights with society and a frequently travelling husband and a teenager in the equation she needs company and communication more than sex.. a hug and a back rub and i am here for you seems more bliss and satisfactory...if sex happens great..
Just to say,..
..

@anika987 hope you find a way through it.

@Laks09 thank you.

 

This is like a pre-suhag-raat advice to the newly wed bride.... except that this one so sounded like a variation, a 2.0, for a well-married woman, totally written in "code".

 

OP, if you feel that something is missing in your life , then its absolutely normal to question yourself this way. Please dont feel bad about it. What is normal to one couple many not be normal to others. Whatever it may be, you are concerned and worried that is why you posted here. Like other ILites suggested any relationship , priorities and its flow changes with time. But...
[Please ignore if my following thoughts are not applicable to you]

Living in the same home as husband and wife without sex like in your case doesn't sound normal to me. You are the best one who knows your situation. Your life looks so blessed from what you have written here. You are around 40s only- a time to enjoy sex to the best . What about emotional bond between the too. How was your life last year.
What I understood is that normal men is sexually responsive even in their death bed. Its their physical need. In this case if your husband dont like it, is there any physical, psychological reason behind it. He needs rest after work. But abstaining from sex like this dont sound normal. Do you love each other ? If so, you can solve this issue very well.

I am also doing super stressed job in USA in addition to household jobs/ kids etc.. I can understand the tiredness and need to rest. Also how body demand rest than sex. If one is introvert, they may need 'me time ' more. Everyone needs to get relaxed to recharge for the next day, else it will be too exhausting. But that is not an excuse to deny sex or intimacy. Is he consciously trying to avoid. From what you have written every thing looks nice except intimacy. But how can a man survive without discharging. He may have his own way. Only you guys knew it. Its their physical need. If he dont need it with you, there may be reason for it. I think it is quite reasonable for you to demand at least weekend sex, as both of you are relatively relaxed compared to working days.

No one is going to take action for you. He is your husband. So talk to him about your concerns. He may be completely unaware that you are missing intimacy. At least ask him for a time to talk. Talk only when you are relaxed and make him comfortable. Be open and prepared to hear from him even the unexpected. But make him aware that your needs are not met. You cannot go anywhere. You love him so much etc . Do you guys appreciate each other?

Communication is the key to build an emotional bond. So try to talk to him everyday, have dinner together.If he watches movie, join him on the same sofa, hug, kiss, touch, often. Sleep in the same bed. There are many posts in IL forum on how to be proactive. Do this just for you. Some of my friends I know hug and kiss their dh every morning when they leave to office and also when they come back. You can do what best suits you. But don't leave it this way, if it was not like this before. Explore it .

Even if we have every thing materialistic, we can enjoy it better only when our emotional and physical needs are met in a marriage.Else the marriage is a dysfunctional one in my opinion. Even if we involve ourselves in so many activities to divert us, we will feel that vacuum inside. You need a partner not a roommate. In USA, without social life, our life mostly revolve around husband and kids. Its purely mechanical sometimes due to busy schedules. In this case, feeling alone in a marriage is a horrible thing to face. Every one wants to be desired and loved by their spouse. Take control of your life, find the reason and solve this before being too late. Good luck

 

That paragraph made me think of euphemisms that married couples use to refer to the act. And sometimes, these cause a -moment, when our young children take them and tell the neighbours. One time my friend (we lived in gated mansion at that time) in a nearby flat called me and asked why we are painting the bedroom again. My daughter goes there some afternoons, to play with their child, and she had told them that. She had also told them the same thing the previous weekend. The "painting" had evolved from the idiomatic phrase "paint the town red", to our secret code "paint the bedroom red".... to just "painting". We had also used other variations -- like, "a quick thin coat?" etc.. Apparently the child had asked her dad what we are going to do, and he had said we were going to paint. And she was insistent, and learned where in the house he intends to paint as well. As children grow older, parents have to get wiser.

I am sure if someone were to poll this forum and ask for the code-word or phrase people have used, there will be all manner of things, in many of our languages too.