Husband-wife Relationship...still Exists???

True @Shanvy Human beings are social animals ; our companions play a very important role in our sense of fulfillment in life. After one crosses fifties or sixties, it may be difficult to recreate the Spark of Passion in day to day life. But, at the end of the day, having an half an hour friendly, hostility free, conversation over a cup of coffee , will be enough to remove more than half of depression and frustration of daily life.

An understanding and listening companion, cannot be substituted by anything else in life.

Having said that, an understanding companion alone cannot fill the void and depression one gets after crossing forties or 50s.

The Spiritual aspect of life comes into play at this stage of life. By spirituality, I don't mean worshipping a god or goddess alone. It can be the one, based on devotion or it can be a wisdom based spirituality, something like Vipassana meditation.

Apart from being dependent on our spouse for strength and feeling of being together, one should develop a "self dependence" also. By self dependence, I mean the commitment of one's own, in his/ her spiritual path.

Old age brings so much of anxiety and uncertainty related to disease , physical and mental weakness. Fear of unknown starts hitting hard, every one after entering into fifties, foursome in forties.

In the said situation , our spouses will not be able to resolve this unknown fear, totally. Here, the sense of encouragement, courage and confidence in daily life, comes from one's own spiritual practice.

As I said above, the spiritual path can be a Bhakti based one , which will need a sense of faith since childhood. Or a regular daily practice of a wisdom best meditation technique like Vipassana.

@anika987 Do you get my point ?

 

Spirituality & Self-help ? Excellent advice !

The poor thing, dH, works hard, lives in alien culture, takes good care of wife and children, and in weekends he is right under his wife's eyes, and not go off to bowling alleys, bars, and hang out with his buddies and pick up bad/expensive habits.

Get spirituality, & leave him alone --- is a kindly advice to preserve his sanity, and continued good health. I like that.

 

@silentlistener spirituality does not go hand in hand with all husband and wives and that is not a solution to what the op asks. My reply was only to whether husband and wife relationship and companionship exist and my reply is that it can..and it can be nurtured..
That said, i don't discount spirituality at all. I am into it too. And we are not just social,but habitual creatures too..

50's is the new 40's and well i saw a video recently



I am so used to hearing the elders in the family talk as they are in the portal of death..enga kadamai ellam mudinjuduthu(our duties are done,we have no purpose) well purpose is self discovered and spirituality is a way and not the only way.

And have seen people compromise and accept spirituality as the only salvation but I believe the mind is a monkey and the what ifs, the next door green everything enters to pull you into the whorl of discontentment and that is why said i am in content with what i do and where i am.(the acceptance of situations, the blessings and the blessings in disguise takes a lot if patience and mental training and is nowhere related to maturity or age.)

when the people in a relationship are happy as individuals and are happy in their companionship then every else falls into place.

@anika987 the sad truth is that we are our own priority and will be on the list of every relationships in the order as they perceive..to want to be made the most important priority is asking for trouble, be it children or spouse or parents..time and circumstances change and so do priorities. When you learn you are your priority and your mental and physical health are your responsibility and your happiness is not dependent on others we are there..
We cannot be a person's happiness by being there all the time, but can be e a instrument in making someone happy and be happy to be part of it..well let me stop it here

Find ways to cheer you, be it music,art,spirituality.
Try implementing little changes, little ways to pep your quality time, try talking to your husband about your need for communication, and yes don't wait for the husband to give you hug if you need one..just hug . Ask to be held..there is nothing like it to feel wanted..
men can be insecure too and need that reiteration they are not just atm machines if they are the sole breadwinners in the family..and as they move towarss the 50, some men tend to need the feeling of being wanted in the equation

 

These are just my thoughts I do not know everything about the situation and you have to live with your decisions not any of us. I hope this can be helpful for you.

It seems like you identified one of the issues is he works a lot. I only know what you wrote so I wonder is it because he is truly a workaholic? Is it that he wants to give the family everything financially and does not realize they want his time and energy too? Is his field really challenging where this is typical despite how hard people try to make time for themselves? Is his employer taking advantage of his kind nature when they really need to hire more people or utilize other staff?

Unless someone is depressed I tend to think they are sleeping because they need it. If he is too tired then he is going to have a difficult time feeling up to having sex. I do not know what your comfort level is but you could try to bring it up. Maybe he is assuming you are too tired or uninterested in sex.

Movies and tv are usually mindless activities that most of us do either to not have to think or to avoid something else. I am guessing he is worn out and wants to do something easy.

When people say they feel like life does not have a purpose, often this is tied to wanting to do something meaningful which for some people means helping others (be it people, animals, the environment, etc). For other people, getting involved with a religious or spiritual group helps them connect to a greater purpose and sense of meaning.

It sounds like you are wanting to connect with friends in your area. I am also in the USA and many people here are very busy and neglect true social connections. If you have some dear friends you want to stay in touch with you can use technology to maintain the connection while it is not the same as face to face interaction it can meet the unique needs that they fill.

After being together awhile and navigating life and developmental issues, there can be problems and adjustments and changes may need to be made. I like to hope that life can be more and that we can try to lessen the problems and increase are sense of fulfillment. For me, I do not accept that at a certain age things are going to be totally down hill and I have to content myself with less.

I hope you could talk to him about the situation. He might not realize that you are not happy with it. Too often we assume our loved ones know, but the only way to be sure is to have a conversation.

Yes there are special lamps that can help with the lack of sunlight.

I do not want to minimize your stresses and disappointments. However, I know lots of people who are stressed because of finances, so it would seem to be nice that you are doing well financially and to have financial freedom. I think it is great that he supports your interests. You seem to be doing a good job at keeping physically active and having some work outside the home to help you fill fulfilled in that area.

Best wishes!

 

Funny you'd mention "roomies". I had to look up what it is. Same as roommate! Anyhow... for those who don't live in America, we have a lot of distractions -- with extended family, festival seasons, shopping, gossiping about who is just a roomie and so forth.
I checked to see if America's psychology magazines have analysed this situation. Yes, they have:
Avoid the Dreaded "Roommate Rut" With Your Spouse

In that article, there was one particular statement that seemed to imply that all of that psycho-babble does not apply to those who got married because the horoscopes matched, families were social/economic equals, and the couple were suitable in most other pragmatic ways..... and not what would apply to Americans, namely:“Remember you married or committed to each other because you are lovers,”...etc..etc..

You like self-dependence concept, and yet want a relationship ? I bet you can google that.

May I repeat what I posted earlier: U have a sweet life.

 

Some confusion here. So she stays with her husband happily in desert station. How is she sacrificing her happiness for his career sake

 

Ah!! Sunshine, missed the comma," no depression, no why should i sacrifice" .. typos and wrong punctuation..and me, perennial issues..typing on mobile keypad and my restricted mobility of right hand.. sigh..sorry folks..

 

Good point. I thought "what sacrifice?"....she was the heroine of "One thousand and one nights", tossing aside the burka, and traipsing through the tent in her unmentionables.