1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Husband-wife Relationship...still Exists???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Sep 14, 2018.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    430
    Likes Received:
    492
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I can understand the tiredness part..after such a hectic schedule, being on call through out the day, your husband would be physically and mentally exhausted..sleeping throughout the afternoon is one way of him catching up on sleep..and watching English serials is also fine, entertaining and takes his mind off his job pressure maybe..
    Give him space and adequate rest..as you are a home maker and managing everything on your own I guess u already that..
    You need to work on improving quality time and intimacy only..
    Even if he gets A few hours free he needs to take you and the kid for an outing..maybe take you also sometime just the two of you if some reliable person can look after the kid..
    A couple of vacations a year will help (instead of splurging all money on one expensive trip, the time and money can be used to have many small vacations to nearby places where cost is less , and lesser duration ).
    Regarding the sex, u need to reinvent yourself and take initiatives..maybe his interest and drive are waning with age and you need to wear nice lingerie and take the lead sometimes..
    FYI, count your blessings, good husband , financial stability and freedom, no in laws Staying with u..far away from pesky relatives..
    These silent and serious types don't change much, though..but the romantic side of them can be brought out with a little effort...hehe...
     
    anika987 likes this.
  2. lavani

    lavani Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    147
    Likes Received:
    176
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    If there is any 1000 like button. i will press it. I totally agree . infact i feel you have ignored this long .

    you cannot act or pretend to act single when you are in a relationship. Either one of the person will break , it is just a matter of time.

    you need to talk to him , or start a counselling. since you have a good married life. counselling helps couples a lot when there is less conflict.
     
    SGBV and anika987 like this.
  3. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,028
    Likes Received:
    2,410
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Perfect analysis Shanvy. I wish one like is equal to 1000 likes. That is how life should go on. Agree with each and every word.
    Syamala
     
    Shanvy, anika987 and deepthyanoop like this.
  4. sravanitenali

    sravanitenali IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,386
    Likes Received:
    4,822
    Trophy Points:
    325
    Gender:
    Female
    This is the best reply I have read in this thread!!!
     
    Shanvy, anika987 and deepthyanoop like this.
  5. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    259
    Likes Received:
    224
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Anika,Please read reread Shany Ma'am's reply. There is so much in those wise words.
     
    Shanvy and anika987 like this.
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,105
    Likes Received:
    6,026
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    I am sorry to see that you are feeling low. Whether the situation is normal or not, I think it depends on whom you ask and how they look at life. Know that any answer is not wrong; we all are different people and want different things out of life; so what maybe normal to me maynot be normal to you. It seems like you both fell into a comfortable pattern somewhere down the line. Now you want a break and he still is in that comfortable spot.

    It sounds like you don’t have any major issues and nor do you have anything to be excited about; this is the issue. Everything is going in a straight line for far too long. Since you are the first one to snap out, perhaps its best you make the first effort to somewhat rekindle the spark. Mind you, it will never ever be like the good-old days. It will just be your new you. I would start with taking interest in the things he likes, watches, works on etc. You need something to talk about other than kids. I would start with trying to catch up on someone his favorite shows. Take interest in his life. By this I don’t mean that you didn’t have interest before; you just need to verbally express it. I know its his responsibility too but you both are a team. If he cannot do something, you makeup for it. Its perfectly fine. Dont be hung up about what he should be or should not be doing. Just focus on what you can do to improve the situation.

    Don’t be shy about appreciating him. It must be hard to work all week in a stressful job. Acknowledge that. If he likes beer/coke etc, buy that and offer it to him. Basically pay close attention to his existence. Things will dramatically change.

    Have you considered face-lifting the living space/home? Buying new curtains, arranging new pictures of the family etc will bring a new, positive energy inside the home. I am also a big believer in essential oils and their role in my everyday life. Buy a diffuser and diffuse some good oils. New look, nice smell, kids in bed early will give you the evening to yourself and hubby alone. Work on the libido. I can understand the toll it takes as we age. Maca powder is supposed to help. See if you can add a spoon into your teas. Also, both hubby and I enjoy wine. See if there is any common thing that can get you into mood. I also notice that if you dress-up (read as dress down in intimates), it instantly boosts the situation. If its been years, it may be embarrassing to start now; so start with a lace gown maybe? Something that is not too obviously calling for sex but something suggesting that you are ready? This way, you wont be embarrassed if he doesn’t take the hint. Then you will at least know that you need to up the game (assuming you want it).

    Hope this helps. These things made some difference in my life, so, I shared it with you.
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
  7. beingmom

    beingmom Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    37
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    THIS! :thumbup:
     
    anika987 likes this.
  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,622
    Likes Received:
    4,010
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Awesome replies!


    I will try some tips but I have started taking care of his health more.his sleep time all afternoon sometimes until 6 pm..on weekends drive me nuts..

    Also during winter..I get gloomy more..
    Heard of sun lamps..does it help?
     
    Shanvy likes this.
  9. Agathinai

    Agathinai Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Very mature advice. Liked it.

    @anika987
    The above advice has all the things that you had asked for. If possible join some part time/ full time or volunteer work. That might help to re focus. Good luck.
     
    Shanvy and anika987 like this.
  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    23,432
    Likes Received:
    26,495
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    @anika987 hope we are able to help you.
    for all that i shared, the most important part that i have missed sharing, is that mine is a long distant marriage for the last 12+ years, the highs the lows, and more. but i still stand by what i have stated in the first reply of mine.. the spark lives on..
    so coming to what helps.. we have a pact of having our morning coffee together, whenever we are together, no complaints, no schedules discussion until we have that cuppa. we discuss about our to do's and more after that.
    weekends, i do not do things most families do, like grinding or heavy cooking. entertaining guests if need be will be on the saturday..sundays are just us. no intrusions unless unavoidable. the kids did have classes on weekends until they learnt to go on their own by cycle, we used to drop them and do our chores, and find time to listen to songs, talk..the point is snatching your us time whenever you get them. there are no stages to be set for such things. spontaneity is interesting and more. sundays were to have coffee and breakfast with kids and in bed or in their tent. believe me my kids have such wonderful memories of the days of reading inside the tent that was set up in the living room. the way their dad used to deliver drinks and snacks in.. you can make things brighter even in the gloomy winters.. have you tried a book vacation inside your home..it is really interesting and fun to be cozy reading books, discussing quotes, or the synopsis and more. this has made the kids voracious readers. dancing, masti, story telling anything that keeps the fun going..and family movie times..
    when seen from the outside, we appear a very dysfunctional family, but we are ok..and what i feel matters to me more that how i appear to others..

    we have a family friend, who is used to staying in a lone transmission station in a desert in saudi. a orthodox brahmin lady who was used to slokas, golu, navarathri and mami, silk sarees wearing burqa, restricted to follow her faith and you would think she would run back home so fast, but no it is 25 years now and she says she is happy living that life. no depression no why should i sacrifice my happiness for the sake of my husband's career. when it is his career that paid for all the diamonds, the vacations i enjoy. the daughter and son are married and settled. the couple still live there. perspectives...


    Coming to sleeping, why not you just go and lie down with a book. make a pact with him to spend time with you both before going to take that nap. or tell him that you will wake him up at this point, and he cannot be lethargic after his power nap, and needs to spend more time with you. my dh, started sleeping anywhere, to the extent at the signal while driving a few times.. we found it was linked to his sleep apnea syndrome which we are treating.

    We can feel that we are victims or take our life in our hands, it is our choice..

    try the sun lamps for your sad.. but find out how you can cheer yourself.maybe going for sunny bright curtains, bedspreads, cushions for the winter.. getting some greenery in that will make you feel good. eating food that makes you feel great. you can even learn to pep your cushions, pick up a hobby and learn something in your community centre..

    and read upon midlife personality stabilisation or the intrinsic maturation as it is put forth.. even an exuberant extrovert can show traits of an introvert (proved in my husband's case) . it helps being prepared and to learn how to work around such issues.
     
    pumpkin01, Rakhii, anika987 and 6 others like this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page