Husband Verses Parents

I feel he just wants to still feel like having an upper hand even now and an attempt to get back lost control hence all these tantrums.
This is the time you need to establish boundaries and priorities in your married like . Don't bend backwards too much . Be fair and expect fairness..

Something like parents should be non negotiable and he should know that you are trying your best to keep marriage but you are not dying to retain the marriage by sacrificing all import any things in your life. If you bend down too much now , it will be a signal that you are desperate and he may use it to his advantage.

Learn to ignore his tantrums and start going alone .

 

OP, is he ready to cut off all contacts with his parents while both if you try to work on your marriage. If the argument on external influence is not needed, both side of parents should be out of the picture for a while.. If he is not ready to do that. It is double standard, pl don't bend in.

It is time to set healthy boundaries. Both of you will be happy if both side of parents are there for you and your kid . At the same time they all should be out of the space of your husband and you... So try to define it well.
Other way may be to just ignore his tantrums while you interact with your parents in healthy way... you cannot give up your parents , same with him and his parents..
I think your dh is uncomfortable sharing his personal space with your father or he may be is afraid that you are sharing everything in your life with your father.. so you have make him comfortable that way... May be continuing your counselling sections may help.. Your Ils suggestions to you to have patience is unreasonable. They should tell that to their son not you.

 

BB,

Sorry to hear that the issue is not getting any better.

I disagree on cutting all ties with your side of the family. You need moral support from your parents. There is something else going on between you two, it is more than putting up with your family. To figure out, family therapy may help.

It is 1-2 day visit with your family once in 3-6 months, right? If he cringes for that, let him stay in a hotel nearby to your parents place while you visit your parents during the day. At night, you can go back to the hotel. (we do that in India....same fight happens during the trip to India, also).

 

You have two options :
A) Agree with the husband and not see the father ( and netflix) for a bit . This might be your only option since you want this marriage to work . The down side is not getting to see your family ( and the latest season of game of thrones) . Hopefully you can knock some sense into his head eventually when things get better between the two of you.

Or

B) Let him know that it is highly unfair that his parents get to stay with you guys while you ( and your son) cannot see your parents and go ahead visit them with the son , Ofcourse ! The downside here is that this might cause a temporary setback in your attempts to make the marriage work .
So it really depends on what is important to you .
Best wishes !

 

@BhumiBabe ..this not Hubby Vs Parents..its How much u want the marriage to work Vs What u are willing to put up with .

This is actually not that uncommon. I have seen this happen between some of my friends and their spouses. People do sometimes take instantaneous dislike for others or after a couple of interactions. It could be for a variety of reasons. People interact differently with different people and some just bring out the worst in us. U cannot judge how ur dad is based on how he is with u. As a FIL he might be tough force to reckon with and ur DH might be uneasy in his presence. We do not know. Its unfortunate that this had to happen between two imp men in ur life but hey its nothing new..most MILs and DILs cannot stand each other Just accept it and dont try to analyze why. What u need to work on however is making ur husband understand that no matter what his relationship/opinion is of ur father.. ur dad will be a very important part of ur life and ur childs. Tell him while u dont expect him to be friends with ur dad u do expect a certain politeness while they are visiting u or vice versa.
This needs to be made very clear and preferably in the presence of a counselor.

This is beyond childishness...and I really think this kind of controlling needs to be addressed immediately

Dont. U are enabling him. Like crash diets..this is not sustainable..u cannot live ur life worrying about ur hubbys tantrum each time u are on FaceTime or whatsapp . This is the time u really think about how u want to live the next 40-50 yrs with or without this man . Lay down the ground rules and let him know in no uncertain terms that u are willing to walk away .Remember in any negotiation the person willing to walk away holds the key. U might never walk out of the marriage but that knowledge should be privy only to u ..not even ur dad.

 

What is your parents take on this? Since they wanted a traditional wedding for you and an Indian son-in-law. They must be knowing the Indian son-in-law mentality of restricting wife's access to her parents.. I think if they agree to this age old custom, you will be mentally relaxed and not crave to talk to them frequently. Btw, how relaxed were such rules to your mom by ur dad?

Since you are working on your marriage...y not give 100% and not compare on what he does vs what you do. Guys are soo weird. They dont talk to their parents everyday before marriage. Once married, they try talk very frequently. You are lucky to have ur parents just 4 hours away. its perfect. They are not in same city which is another issue and not in India which is thousands of miles away.

 

This happened to me as well, my DH held grudges with my parents because they got involved in our marriage. He stopped talking to them but he never stopped my child and I from attending or visiting them and never held any grudges when we came back. I knew in my heart it was a matter of time and within a few months he resumed the relationship. My point here is you cannot stop your relationship with your parents an family, your DH cannot dictate this. Anyways visit and call your parents as much as you want, he has to accept this, and if he does not then he is not the person to be with. Next he might cut you off something else, it is not fair.

 

I am sorry but can't stop myself from saying that Indian men are really as@$$$$s .What will they achieve with so much of ego? Ask him if he didn't have a relationship with his Nana Nani ( maternal grandparents)when he was a child? Didn't he ever visit his mom's side during his school holidays in India? It's so common in India to go visit Nanihal in summer vacation. I think next time you have a discussion/ argument , just tell him that you and your son need to see them atleast a few times a year (2-4 ). Say that its important for both you and your kid.He needs to have a healthy relationship with both sides of the family.He can stay back if he has any problems whatsoever. Period. Let him sulk or be passive - aggressive. He will be fine in a couple of days or more , who cares. You maintain your usual self around him, asking nicely about his day / work etc. About other things, don't talk to your parents in front of him if he doesn't like it. I know it's stupid but better to win the war than a battle. Get your own account of Netflix . Or use your father's on your phone.Also, after sometime, ask your parents to wish him by texting on special days like birthday , holidays, anniversary and use endearing terms for him like Beta. It takes time but hopefully he will grow up.