Husband is never there for me when I need him..extremely upset.

generic · Oct 20, 2013

I'm married from the past 2.5 yrs...love marriage...no kids as yet..and I love my husband a lot..and he also claims to have affection for me (but dont know how far it's true...) he has shown affection in various ways, but I have noticed various situations when he never bothered about me....and din't give me the care which I needed and wasn't there for me when I needed him the most...for example:
1. He reaches home late everyday from work...that's ok generally but when I'm unwell atleast I expect him to come a little early and help me...But strangely enough whenever I'm unwell & request him to come early, that day only makes some excuse or the other and he comes home really late...Or if he happens to come on time also, he keeps himself busy with calls or some work which is not urgent, and I end up doing all cooking & cleaning anyway...
2. But what is even stranger is the fact that if he has any plans with his friends/relatives/cousins on a weekday he will either take leave/work from home/come early...and even if he ends up missing important meetings that day he is ok with it...If they ask him for any help he'll go out of the way to do it...If I ask for the same help he delays it or makes excuses to avoid.
3. There has not been a single occasion when he has accompanied me to the doctor even when I was unwell...I had to undergo a couple of medical tests recently due to some health issues and I have gone to every single hospital visit on my own...inspite of the hospital visit being on weekend when he was very much free but refused to come...He din't even bother to go thru the test result and check if I was ok or not...But when his any of his friend or relative was hospitalized he was ready to make any number of hospital visits at odd timings also.
3. There have been a couple of occasions when he has invited friends/relatives home for lunch/dinner/even to stay without even asking me...But if i want to invite any of my friends /relatives home I always check with him.
4. He spends money very generously on gifts for parents, siblings, cousins and friends, but he has not given me a single gift in the past 1 year...He had given me gifts before marriage & in initial stage of marriage only..stopped after that..i don't want expensive gifts at all...even small token gifts will do.. I feel upset & jealous when I see my friends receiving gifts such as mobiles/gold/diamonds etc for bday and anniversary...In fact for basic household necessities and household repairs also he thinks twice before spending...
5. He has not celebrated any occasion with me such as birthday/anniversary. He does not feel the importance of these occasions.
6. Infront of everyone he acts like he has lot of care and sympathy for me.
He is very understanding about his friends and cousin's personal problems..he spends hours together to listen to their probs and sympathizes....but I have faced lot of problems in the past 1 yr in personal and professional life...whenever I shared these with him he did not console me or even bother to listen to me...Rather he became impatient and tried to cut short the conversation.
7. i have always been there for him and have been very supportive during all ups and downs of his life.

Please friends, tell whether all this is normal husband behaviour or am i overreacting? Is it worth having kids and starting a family with such a fellow? What can I do to make him realize his mistake? I have tried talking to him so many times but he just doesnt try to understand my feelings. I'm really upset and crying while typing this.

Akanksha1982 · Oct 20, 2013

how was his behavior before marriage and during the marriage? Did his behavior changed suddenly?

misspink14 · Oct 20, 2013

Hi, I am sorry to hear this. I think that you need to sit down with him and explain your feelings. Be straight about it. Don't beat around the bush.

GoogleGlass · Oct 20, 2013

You are not at fault at all with these expectations.
You are at fault at the same time by not making him understand.

It's not that he doesn't understand but he doesn't want to change. In general most men take it for granted that they can dominate & get away from all these.

You need to find a way to bring in the change in his attitude. In all aspects if a man's tummy is full, he will fail to understand. Keep him hungry for what he wants from you, he will realize the value of your hunger.

generic · Oct 20, 2013

Akanksha1982 said: ↑

how was his behavior before marriage and during the marriage? Did his behavior changed suddenly?
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Before marriage everything was rosy...after marriage from the beginning he has been lik this...it's just that before marriage these qualities were not exhibited to me.

Dinny · Oct 20, 2013

Dont mind but was he this way before marriage too???
I am actually surprised that your's is a luv marriage.

My only suggestion to you would be....dont lean on him for emotional support.Get more independent.....show him you can be happy without him too.

generic · Oct 21, 2013

Dinny said: ↑

Dont mind but was he this way before marriage too???
I am actually surprised your's is a luv marriage.

My only suggestion to you would be....dont lean on him for emotional support.Get more independent.....show him you can be happy without him too.
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Actually i din't know him for long before marriage...ours is love+arranged marriage as v r of the same caste & both sets of parents din't have any objections. And usually before marriage the guy is on his best behaviour as he has to impress his girl...Those are the carefree days when the girl & guy are too attracted to each other and don't think too much about future family matters.Going on dates and hanging out with one's fiance is completely different and much easier than managing household and living family life... all negative qualities of a person come into light only post marriage after living with him as a spouse...That's what has happened in my case..He has positive qualities too, but these negatives make me upset on many occasions.What u suggested makes sense...i should not be too emotionally dependant on him. If I had been a little more independant and bold and had a social life of my own I would'nt have been so upset.

aarushreya · Oct 21, 2013

Hi generic,

I just read what you have written. I would suggest that first of all you should come out of this trauma. Be bold and careful. Sometimes we become so much emotional dependent on people we love. But to our surprise, whom we value the most, hurt us the most.

First try to communicate with him. Sit with him and make him realize that how much your conversation is important to make the relationship more stronger. If he speaks, listen to him and also tell him fully what is bothering you. Husband and wife relation is bonded with a very delicate string of love, which then becomes stronger with time. But such a careless attitude is not expected from any wife or husband. But also ask if he is doing so because you might have annoyed him without knowing.

Secondly, if he does not answer properly, then that might mean, either his nature is like that only. But he has to change as when he can be caregiver to others, why can't he think about you(the most important of all....). But forcing somebody does not help anybody. You yourself have to look out ways to make him realize that.

guesshoo · Oct 21, 2013

Hi OP,

hugs to you. It must be frustrating. In my opinion it is your husbands way of keeping you under control by withholding what you need. It sounds to me like He knows what he is doing. And this amounts to emotional abuse. Please don't have children with him until he communicates and gets rid of his abuse. Please try to read up about emotional abuse and about people who have done things to improve their self esteem. Once you have worked on your self esteem and believe that you deserve much much more than this, you would be able to make him straighten up or kick him out... There isn't anything wrong with your expectations. Don't bend and bow to society and traditions. It's your life; take charge of it. I wish you luck.

generic · Oct 21, 2013

guesshoo said: ↑

Hi OP,

hugs to you. It must be frustrating. In my opinion it is your husbands way of keeping you under control by withholding what you need. It sounds to me like He knows what he is doing. And this amounts to emotional abuse. Please don't have children with him until he communicates and gets rid of his abuse. Please try to read up about emotional abuse and about people who have done things to improve their self esteem. Once you have worked on your self esteem and believe that you deserve much much more than this, you would be able to make him straighten up or kick him out... There isn't anything wrong with your expectations. Don't bend and bow to society and traditions. It's your life; take charge of it. I wish you luck.
Click to expand...

Well I dont think this is emotional abuse...I feel he is good at heart but his nature itself is like this...I don't think he even knows that what he's doing is wrong...In the beginning he was so attentive to all my needs but after the initial couple of months...that is, after the initial attraction & euphoria of being married to the person of his choice faded away, he has started taking me for granted and has changed a lot...Many times he has been good to me and he has redeeming good qualities as well but during such difficult situations I find that he has not been there for me...Emotionally and physically unavailable to me when I needed him.Probably the level of attachment that he has for his friends & relatives he does not have for me?...