Husband has changed

Hi Sushma,

Why he is having a recorder first of all? Is he monitoring your activities like talking to parents also?
What he is doing with all that recorded things, the arguments you have mentioned about.... Is he showing to his parents.. Did you get a chance to ask him why he is behaving abnormally when before marriage he has told that he will eat occasionally only.. Do you doubt your MIL would have played her part in your husband's behavior?

And talking about physical intimacy, you said there were problems in that as well.. have you both tried solving the problem..

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$!!!!!!??????????

 

Sushma , I 100% agree with Srividya. Good Luck with everything.

 

Dear sushma , I totally understand it is so hard for a veg person to cook NV as I am also similar to you I am veg and husband is NV. When I came to US i did not know cooking and my husband eats NV a lot.What happened was I did not cook initially then there were some problems ,so how I handled was I never cleaned meat with my hands. My husband cleans it and I just cook. I cannot tolerate the smell just like you. My husband never forced me, he now cooks by himself.
Your husband is being a lill too much forcing you to cook. You can try this, if NV is the only misunderstanding between you guys and otherwise you guys are happy couple tell your husband to clean all the meat and you can just mix it with a spoon wearing mask. Eventually as days pass and when there is more understanding between you guys he may stop asking you to cook.
Try to stop complaining things to your parents.You should only make an issue big when it completely intolerable like physical abuse. When he put recorder just ignore for few days and see if he will stop it.If you want to talk to your parents go to balcony and then talk. If you take picture and send it to your mom the gap between you and your husband will increase and understanding between you guys will start to decrease.
All food things you mentioned I can say 70% of newly wed indian couples will have some or the other problems. I can say that these small misunderstandings will vanish slowly.
I want you to make sure that other than NV thing your husband is very loving like taking you out for shopping, being humorous, spending good time with you over weekends, sexual life is good,taking care of you when your sick you mentioned he told you to cook when you had fever that is not a good quality.
Make him understand things by speaking softly if its going beyond your control and unbearable then you should involve your parents or someone from his side to make him understand.

 

Sushma

So you are ready to call 911 if there is physical abuse, but what is the plan to make the current situation better? next time he starts cribbing, why not tell him that if he can send you to India he will feel much better may be...just say it in a soft tone....As the recorder is on why not use it to your benefit also? as soon as he comes home, just act all nicely give the same cofee to him and say I know you dont like teh way I make cofee, but try this I made in a diff. way...and start saying I am trying my best to find ways to please you...(draaamaa baazi) continue saying, you know how I cannot cook NV and It old you before marriage only, but you are fighting with me and calling names etc..e.tc...just you also softly say how he knows who you are and what you can do but he was okw ith all this till marriage but after you came here things have changed and how he insults you infront of his friends..etc...etc..yes talk bout all this...(dont get MILs topic)

Be at it. Take pics of the recorder. and also dont feel shameful but share these happenings with any of your close friends who live around your neighbourhood or someone who is intouch with you (apart from this virtual forum) atleast plsssssssss tell some real person who can keep an eye on you once in a while, who can check on you.


I want to know what is your plan...because he giving GC as a reason is one thing...even if you say something, he might delete that from the recordings and keep only hte stuff that he wants.This is not a safe/healthy marriage. you really need some good ideas to fix this guy or the situation you are in so that you are safe. I dont know why I get this wierd feeling that this guy is upto something!!! either he is gathering evidence or he is too insecure ....if the recorder is on when he was fighting with you, that is the biggest worry. Why not switch off the recorder when he goes to office? can you do that?? did yout ry that? if he comes back adn fights about it, warn him you will call the cops as this is one form of mental/emotional abuse where he is recording you and tracking your calls. (Can you do that??)

 

Please refer to post 21 by FlowerLady. Thats good.

Food: No you dont have to cook non veg when you have an aversion to it. But the way you tell it matters. Outright - no i wont....will not go well...i guess.
I have a feeling - he is personally ok with you not cooking (i could be wrong too). May be he dint like you refusing to cook when his Mum asked. You could just say I will sure no problme .....and leave it. thats all. Dint have to tell anybody abotu it. and carry on as normal.

Recorder: Just turn it off. Dont let him turn it on until you both talk. trell him - youfdo not like it as it says about th etrust you have on each other n u prefer clearing things so he can live with peace n joy early marriqg days without doubting.

Other issues- thing will be fine. do not worry much.

 

why would you go out of the house like that? its not right!!! if you have disagreements running out of the house is not the solution... go to another room and lock the door dont run outside you never know its not safe on streets....now I understand why he is putting the recorder on...may be he is scared you may do something or say something to your p[arents/friends or anyone you talk to or may call cops etc...

See sometimes your actions to change him may actually make the situation worse... and tahts what has happened....taking the help of neighbour and letting them know is good...but pls do not attempt these going out of the house in the night again. You will run out of the house....but only to your neighbours house for help...when situations go out of hand...pls try to understand

 

Sushma,
There is something very unsavory about the whole situation...there is only one way to deal with a guy who is physically abusive...and from what you have written it doesn't even come across as someone with an anger problem. It is actually very disturbing!

It is good that you contacted the neighbors...but remember, this is not just a case of impulse or anger...so be aware and be careful at all times. But do work on creating a bigger network of support for yourself (and not the dingbat friends who ask you why you don't cook non veg for your husband) find others you can trust...also be in a state of readiness-if things turn for the worse, you should be able to leave with your essential documents and such.
If you don't have your own circle of friends or relatives, look up the local Domestic Violence center numbers and keep it with you. They do provide emergency shelters and such.