Husband has changed

Dear Sushma,
Try to solve the issue diplomatically. Most brides have to cook and clean once they stay with DH , this is normal.Regarding intimacy please try and have an open mind and follow doctors instructions.
Next time your MIL calls up say you will try your best to cook NV. Say the same to DH , tell him that it will take time for you to learn and make.
Sometimes during marriage talks NV-V issue is taken lightly by parents of both sides if the rest of the things like horoscope etc matches.They say that the girl will adjust just to fix the marriage.
Marriage is about adjustments, neither DH or DW can be stubborn. Both have to change , adapt to each others food habits, likes and dislikes.
Why is he recording you ? Switch it off once he leaves. Ask him the reason for this, also playback and see whats in it. Is he scared of something??

 

Hi,
I know how hard it is for a vegetarian girl to cook NV..To be honest me being veggie, I don't touch egg or non veg.. Your hubby know that you are veggie but still he wants you to cook..This is ridiculous. Regarding intimacy issues, I feel that you should not have complained it to FIL. It is better not to complain to parents rather you should deal it by yourself. There are many men who are getting outside food for wifes just because the wife is unable to do household tasks. Things get really worse if BIL is present due to ego issues especially when two people are newly married and there is no enough understanding. Try to talk to your hubby and tell him that you are not going to cook any NV dishes.

 

Hi Sushma,

I can understand your problem. I have passed through it. I have been married for two months now, and beleive me I never knew/did cooking before marriage.I didnt even knew to cook rice or even make tea...
Mine is a love marriage been loving from my 8th std...And my Dh is a very good cook...especially NV...And I was always in a perception that i need not cook after marriage...as if can do...And even he was sayin me the same for these long 10 years...

But life changes after marriage...my MIL,SIL and BIL were very keen about my cooking...they neever told me directly but pissed my DH saying whats the use if u get the food from outside even after getting married etc etc...
When I shifted to Bangalore, everyday my MIL would call me and ask, what did I cook today...and most of the times it would be parcel from outside or my DH would have cooked...I would feel embrassed...and when I told all this to my MOM she told...cooking is not a rocket science...If you have been able to be an engineer...then for sure u can be a good cook...only thing is u have to be intrested in it and put all ur heart for it...

Then I took it has a challenge... I started cooking especially NV...And now my DH and BIL love my cooking more than their moms...and now my MIL has also stopped asking me ... And noe somedays my DH says to teach my MIL and SIL the eggcurry and the chicken curry wic im now specialist in...and it gives a sense of pride...

I dont only cook NV but also clean it before preparing...and its a very nasty thing to clean fishes...yaaakssssssssss
BUt I do...I just think of dentists who put their hand in everyones mouth I think abt the surgens who operate on rooted bodies.. do they puk??? NO they do their duty...

And take it has a challenge from ur husband...Learn NV cooking...And I beleive no women is a Bad cook...And show him that u can do anythi and everythi...more than showing him...it would be a great sense of achivement for u..
And it will give you a sense of confidence...

 

Sushma, please first address the very weird behavior of switching on the recorder and the abuse (physical and verbal). In the larger scheme of these things, your being able to cook chicken for him is least important. As someone suggested, next time he tries to lay a hand on you, 911 is who you should call instead of his dad.

 

Ohh yea and about satisfing in bed...every 8 husbands out of 10 say this to their wive atleast once in a life time...
So dont take it seriously...and instead you start saying him that he is not satisfying u in the bed Then he will start focusing on satisfing u than finding faults in u... hope it helps

 

Just want to say...

Its not about whether OP has to learn cooking or not....even if she learns to cook NV and starts cooking...tomorrow it may be about WHY SHE DOES NOT EAT IT?? and once she starts eating it, it may be about something else..

Problem here is...yes many marriages may be fixed not paying attention to such things...however wheen the spouses come ot know about it, they come up with an alternate plan..thats what sensible people do...instead of pushing it as a reason to degrade and demean her infront of his colleagues/colleagues wifes/female friends.

He knows cooking...so why not make it personal and cook NV for his own self instead of pushing her?A sensible man would find this as a solution instead of making mountain of small issues like these.

Frankly speaking I see no light at the end of the tunnel (I am sorry for dropping the ball so quickly...) I am waiting for OP to answer couple of the questions I have..but still..this guy seems to fall in that category of WHINING spouse..who likes to make issues out of every thing. who likes to tell the entire world how bad / mean his wife is and how he is a poor soul not fed properly and islonging for intimacy. this guy doesnt know how to handle disagreements. Its just 9 months that he is married and seems like he doesnt like it ...(sorry) this is not the way you treat your wife in the first one year itself..so many issues/allegations/doc visits/forcing her etc.
He coming for counselling is like a big task which OP may never be able to acheive...she can try to talk about it..but this guy wont give in...because he doesnt see anything wrong with him. the more she pushes she may have to face physical abuse. (this guy already seems like mastered the verbal abuse part).

all she can do is protect herself and do wht he likes and see if his behaviour changes but if things are escalating....she should know what to do!!!

Sushma
You know what you are facing...your gut instinct may already have told you or suggested or hinted some thing...please sit in silence for an hour or so and think of all the good things you had so far (after marraige) and what bad you had to go through so far (after marriage) and listen to your instinct . it always speaks truth. dont try to explain to your instinct or have great hopes for future...hope is good...but having right hope is good.

my personal thought would be....tell him that you want to learn cooking from your MIL and want to live with her and learn the MIL side cooking style etc and ask him to send you to India. Go to your parents house and explain to your parents what all you have seen till now and have a frank talk with his and your parents openly and ask them to suggest what has to be done.

Why am I asking parents suggestion here? this guy seems like a big wierddo and psycho having lots of insecurities and such people are hard to change...frankly speaking his parents may also not know about this side of their son. and going to India and tellin them aobut it is a good idea because you will be safe in India ...you dont have to call 911 or run around here and worry where will you if he gets arrested and all this....

just go to India and put down your foot stating if he doesnt come for counselling or marriage therapy, you would not come back...(dont divorce him) but just put down your foot. give him time..enoughhhh time for him to make a decision.

Please remember that your parents will appreciate the way you handled this if you go back to India, instead of silently taking all this in the NAME OF FIXING YOUR MARRIAGE.

Have a evidence of what all he has done so far...i.e take pics of how he sets up recorders at home...have all the doc reports with you...scan them and send to your or some friends email id or a dummy email id where you can store all these so that you dont have to carry these which may create doubt.

pls be safe and think with your brain....not the time to think with heart. You may not like this idea of going to India and solving it involving the right people...but if you are here and try n try your frustration will mount and issues may increase in number and tomorrow the same parents will come around and ask you why you didnt share any of this when it was in budding stages....because if you put pressure now and involve parents to solve issues, this guy will take a step back as both sides know whats happening he will be cautious to say / do anything


Last but not least...these days we have seen lot of spouses coming back on the forum after reading the posts of their partners no idea how are they able to get to this particular forum....and can identify their spouses so clearly (god forbid hope that shouldnt be the case iwth you...)... but still...pls be careful on which system you are browsing the IL forums and always ensure you delete hte cookies/browsing history. (already your guy seems to be the wierdo to install recorders...so I am just suggesting be cautious)

 

I agree with SriVidya..go to ur parents house and decide how u will handle him. You cant be emotional in dealing with this issue..u have to ensure ur safety and be smart in handling ur DH.

 

Dear Sushma,

Cooking NV for Veg person might be a very difficult task. Not willing to cook may be due to various reasons like family origin, own feelings, etc. I have a suggestion and you can probably give it a try. As far as I know, there are a lots of vegeterian food too which are equally or probably more yummy than NV ( I m a Veggie So not much idea..) You can try making some yummy paneer sabzi instead. Lots of good Veg recipes are there to try out. Your H might start liking it better Y don't try some Italian or mexican ?? He will be happy that u had put some extra effort to make him happy.
Abt s*x, I think may be is too fast and u need some time to cope up as u are newly wed. I would suggest, instead of stopping things completely, try slowly and adapt. Ask him to take things slowly in a nice manner.
The camera thing is really weird. Did u ask him abt that? Ask calmy (as he becomes abusive quickly) abt his intentions behind this thing.
All the best. Hope things works out fine for u .