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Husband Drinking Problem And Threatening Divorce After Arguments

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Worry about what might .. when you get to that point. You should focus on the current drinking problem, be supportive (which is critical) for him to stop drinking.
    (1)Your past and fear of future will not enable you to be a supportive partner.
    (2)Once you resolve this problem, you will have courage and know how to handle the next situation.
    (3) you don't want to delve into what happened ... and what might happen ... It will only widen the distance btw two of you.
    (4)you are on right track; tell him it is important that he does it for his love for his kids.

    AA is your best, better than going to counseling. It is anonymous group of people who talk about themselves. Your DH will get to hear from others. He might be able to relate to them; he may feel that he is not alone. He does not have to talk if he doesn't want to and no one is pointing finger at him.
    It is free.
    In counseling he might try to justify or even blame you.
    (5) If the problem is resolved, he could be a different man. He might listen to you more. He may not say what he says today. He will be a changed man.

    You cannot sit there and speculate.

    You are falling into his trap. Ignore and focus on what needs to be done right now. Forget about everyone for the time being.

    Wish you the very best for the coming year.
    Happy New Year!
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2020
  2. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Silver IL'ite

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    @AmulB, please, please do not think that we can't feel your pain. Just to warn you, don't be hopeful about his drinking problem. People do not let go of their bad habits easily and alcohol is one such problem. One of my relatives sold his kidney to feed his alcohol habit, finally he passed away after kidney failure. Nobody is saying that the in-laws problem is not a problem, it is a problem definitely, but not a bigger one when compared to alcoholism. In any case, you have to brace up and strengthen yourself, please talk to your parents or someone you know personally that could give you a more solid support. If not, just push this in-laws thing away from your mind and move on. Worrying will only hurt your well-being. You have to be strong for your sake and your kids.
     
    Topaz49 and Sunshine04 like this.
  3. ImHuman

    ImHuman New IL'ite

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    You said their relatives live in US and are in high positions. Why not take their help to turn them listen to you. Whatever you are explaining here , can you explain with them?
    Giving them account of the situation makes them understand you.. If your husband starts to learn that his actual behaviour is disclosed and how he is putting his wife and marriage into trouble is known to his people.. he may feel little need to correct his behaviour? Making his relatives and friends yours little by little ..?And did you discuss his drinking problem with your in laws and his sister? Do not talk to them like complaining on him.. but making them see what is happening in their sons family and to their grand children?

    I got one quote from a elder I know.. go in his way to get him your way.. like listen to him and make him listen to you...submit to his ego for a while?.

    I am not sure how long the above works.. But you will see a little change at least for sure ..

    And try to make his relatives , friends your friends slowly .. by calling them sometimes .. wishing them happy birth day, marriage day... Etc.. slowly developing bonds...?.

    As others said, I also feel he gets that kick by seeing you suffer by making you feel stressed.., angry.. and as they said try to keep calm and do and do not show him that it effects you. As others always say count your blessings . More than the problems think of blessings you have got and be extremely happy .. celebrate every moment...

    While I am suggesting you this, I have my own problems and above are the things helped me a little..hope these help you too.
     
  4. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    I am sorry if this reply sounded insensitive. I was trying to emphasize a fact and went overboard.

    If you are worried about your in-laws staying with you, I think you are worrying unduly, because for parents to stay permanently with you guys may be possible if you are in India, which I assume is not your case. Firstly, they can't stay with you guys beyond 6 months if you are on a work visa whatever it may be. They may ask for an extension but that can't be granted indefinitely. I don't think your hubby will want to bring them every 6 months, he doesn't seem that type. Let's assume he is willing to bear the travel expenses, even then, them staying with you will cost him insurance in addition. Even with insurance, he has to pay a lot of money in case he needs to take them to doctors during their stay with you guys. Unless you guys are able to secure citizenship for yourself or your parents, it would be best if they stayed in India. You need not discuss this with him, I am just telling you for your consolation.

    One more thing - alcohol, drugs, smoking, for that matter all indulgences are a coping mechanism to stress. Your DH is stressed about something only he knows best. Your unhappiness will add to his stress. So as far as possible, do not let your worries be apparent to him as they will only add to his stress and he may take to alcohol again. Go for some yoga program whichever you can, if possible, and motivate him to join as well, later. This will at least curb his alcoholism. Right now your in-laws are away from you guys, so why bother about something that may happen in future? Just take these things off your mind and be peaceful for the moment.
     
  5. Aruma

    Aruma New IL'ite

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    This seems like a real problem for me and, unfortunately, it's still widespread. Have you tried rehabs? I think this might be the only way to take care of an addicted person. Moreover, it's not a problem to find a rehab nowadays. Check out addictionresource for example. It's much easier to send a person to get professional help and care than to try change anything by yourself only.
     

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