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Husband Drinking Problem And Threatening Divorce After Arguments

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    @AmulB: You will not lose your kids just because you dont have ajob. Please dont get scared about it. IMO its baseless. You have been taking care of your kids since birth. You gave up your job to take care of them, that makes you primary care giver. You said your DH had DUI and there are proofs that he has drinking problem. He has not been with kids 24/7 like you.

    In case of divorce, you will get child support from your husband if you dont have a job.
     
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  2. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Alcohol abuse is a serious problem; it cannot be taken lightly. Unchecked, it can only get worse. So many successful people have destroyed their lives. It is an addiction and should be treated like a disease.

    Long-term alcohol use can cause serious health complications, affecting virtually every organ in your body, including your brain. Problem drinking can also damage your emotional stability, finances, career, and your ability to build and sustain satisfying relationships.

    Unfortunately, the effects of growing up around a drinking parent can be profound. I won’t even try to go into that. If you love your children, you can discuss with him. He might stop drinking for the kids that he loves. He cannot do it alone without support.

    Your DH displays classic drinking problem from what you wrote in your post - "He was in his own zone of drinking like finishing full Costco pack of beer for two days continuously and if he runs out he would just drive to nearest gas station half drunk"

    A person has drinking problem if:

    · Need to drink in order to relax or feel better.

    · Regularly drink more than you intended to.

    · If drinking causes problems in your relationship.

    · Drinking increases tolerance, leads to more drinking.

    · The desire to drink is so strong that the mind finds many ways to rationalize drinking, even when the consequences are obvious like relationship.

    Myth: I can stop drinking anytime I want to.

    Fact: Maybe you can; more likely, you can’t. Either way, it’s just an excuse to keep drinking. The truth is, you don’t want to stop. Telling yourself you can quit makes you feel in control, despite all evidence to the contrary and no matter the damage it’s causing.

    Myth: My drinking is my problem. I’m the one it hurts, so no one has the right to tell me to stop.

    Fact: It’s true that the decision to quit drinking is up to you. But you are deceiving yourself if you think that your drinking hurts no one else but you. Alcoholism affects everyone around you—especially the people closest to you. Your problem is their problem.

    Myth: I don’t drink every day OR I only drink wine or beer, so I can’t be an alcoholic.

    Fact: Alcoholism is NOT defined by what you drink, when you drink it, or even how much you drink. It’s the EFFECTS of your drinking that define a problem. If your drinking is causing problems in your home or work life, you have a drinking problem—whether you drink daily or only on the weekends, down shots of tequila or stick to wine, drink three bottles of beers a day or three bottles of whiskey.

    Myth: I’m not an alcoholic because I have a job and I’m doing okay.

    Fact: You don’t have to be homeless and drinking out of a brown paper bag to be an alcoholic. Many alcoholics are able to hold down jobs, get through school, and provide for their families. Some are even able to excel. But just because you’re a high-functioning alcoholic doesn’t mean you’re not putting yourself or others in danger. Over time, the effects will catch up with you.

    Myth: Drinking is not a “real” addiction like drug abuse.

    Fact: Alcohol is a drug, and alcoholism is every bit as damaging as drug addiction. Alcohol addiction causes changes in the body and brain, and long-term alcohol abuse can have devastating effects on your health, your career, and your relationships. Alcoholics go through physical withdrawal when they stop drinking, just like drug users experience when they quit.
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2019
    Agathinai, sarvantaryamini and AmulB like this.
  3. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    @Topaz49 wow good info and the facts u provided I get exact same answers and he thinks he doesn’t have a drinking problem, he thinks it’s his problem only. He thinks he doesn’t have to give any explanation what so ever. dui but not convicted. He was dui arrested but not convicted. So he thinks it is okay as he’s not convicted.
     
  4. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @CuteCancer thanks for replying. I’m not sure if he realizes it but the way he threatened me was he would go to any extent and would go full blown to see me tortured. He has good support system in the US, all his relatives r in v good positions and are rich and can help him anytime he needs. He might have had plans to go all against by putting false accusations u never know what the plan would be.
    But right now it’s all calm and he did patch up w me but says the same thing, if things repeat like disrespecting his folks he would go against me to any extent. And doesn’t care if he will be at loss if he cannot afford good tution for kids when they get to higher studies but he doesn’t care.
     
  5. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    @AmulB, your in-laws insisting on cooking is not something unheard of. Though it is annoying, it is not a groundbreaking issue. There are a couple of things about it - you tell them you cannot cook fancy things like chakli and muruku. If they want such things, they can do it themselves. However, on your part, make it a routine to cook something daily for everyone and for the kids. Because that is something you cannot avoid. Almost all in-laws in this world expect you do that. Even the nice ones have that complaint. So you can't avoid that.

    The real problem is your husband's drinking, that is not a small problem at all. Personally, I have seen cases where the man's drinking problem ruined the family. My take is, please try to address this issue at the earliest, make your arrangements and give him an ultimatum that he either needs to quit or separate from you. A person with alcoholic problem is a threat to the kids and you. You definitely have to address this issue at some point in the immediate future, if not now.
     
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  6. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    @sarvantaryamini thanks for your reply and for providing your input.
    Yes in-laws problem was past but there were certain things it still bothers me. I cooked daily in their presence morning traditional bf lunch and again dinner sometimes they used to fix their own like tiffin. But even after laborious cooking process after I bring everything to the table I should be the last one to be eating and what ever she serves on my plate. My husband did observe this but didn’t had anything to say. They happily used to sit eat and chit chat eating food cooked by me daily but never used to call or put a plate. Sometimes I used to feel depressed and skip the meals just eat a fruit or stay like that crying. I was made me feel like maid in my home mainly coz of my husband. I was super mad at him, if I ask or say anything there will be big explosions of war and all would gang up on me. I kept silent until they left after 6m. But I was breastfeeding my little one and going not eating how can a father don’t feel for his own child. It did mess up my mind felt so abused. Mil used to keep saying enuf breastfeeding as 3-4ll mo over and I’m only wasting my time and kid would get nutrition only through food. They all used to be back of me to quit bf as they wanted to use my time w kid in their favor. Such mean and heartless natured ppl.
    He stubbornly still doesn’t agree for their treatment but only accuses me. It surprises me how on earth he can get so blinded for his parents even if they’re wrong at some things. While they used to take advantage as son is on their side.

    About the alcohol abuse, nothing is working right now. If I take that topic he gets all in agitated more and shows anger. Don’t know how to resolve. Letting things calm down and I find a ground for myself then think about it. Thank u
     
  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    you have enough on your hands. Let go of he past. It is water under the bridge. Simply focus on yourself and how can you resolve the drinking issue. Once that is resolved things will change for the better. You have to be supportive through out the resolution period.
     
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  8. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    I second this. Discussing the past is of no use. I know it's very traumatic. Your in-laws are not uniquely sadistic, almost all women I have met have said something similar and even my experience is the same. And all of them have said that spouse wasn't helping in the matter. You have your kids and yourself to focus on. Forget what happened and try to resolve the drinking problem because that issue will affect your future and is a lifelong problem. You need to focus on immediate problems and not on why the spouse is behaving indifferent and foolishly. Even if you choose to ignore his drinking, it will affect his health, your mental well-being, not to mention your kids.
     
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  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Past doesn't solve current problem. If you don't let go of the past, it simply will become an obstacle to the present and future.
     
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  10. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    @sarvantaryamini and @Topaz49 i get ur point about not clinging to the past. But I also got severe warnings by dh that In future if we r staying together he will get his parents and what ever it is I have to adjust or leave. That’s the choice he’s given me. By knowing their mentality it’s not only difficult living w them feels impossible. If they join w is it will become hell for us both and my kids. —Total influence by dh
    — kids get Neglected
    — in-lw interfering in pretty much everything by not going family time or space
    How do I deal with all that if that happens. That’s my fear coz of the past,
    And that past has left me bitter all the while and Only kept adding distance btw us. I made a mistake of not letting go. Took it too much to heart and felt v disappointed towards my dh.
    right now my dh patched up w me and says he will work on alcohol problem.
    He did say this many a times... not sure if he really means it. I am thinking of asking for counseling regarding issues we r having.
    Thank u all and a very happy new year everyone who helped me in my providing ur thoughts and support In this.
     

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