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Husband Drinking Problem And Threatening Divorce After Arguments

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Thank u dear. I will go through the links. And how is hug possible to forget and forgive the harsh treatment. Feels like I am emotionally cut off from him. And I just don’t feel anything for him anymore.
    Threatening of divorce and patching up later how can any one have any more trust in such relationship.
     
  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    :). Thats why I specified," if situations improve". Like I said in my first post, you need to take a break from this marriage emotionally for a few months. Emotionally detach from him and just be like good parents living there for kids. Nothing else. Control your urge to talk/argue more. It will help you to heal, get clarity of thoughts, gain courage, give you more strength, find direction on how to proceed and also results in a peaceful home. Enjoy your life with yourself and kids , work for your goals and be independent.

    If you think talking to anyone help, you can go for counselling for yourself. May be that will help you to heal. If employed there is EAP that cover it , if not, insurance many cover it ( I think). Sometimes counselors with Indian background may be able to understand your situation well. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2019
    Rihana, Sunshine04 and AmulB like this.
  3. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    You need a job first. That’s the main thing to be focused on. Once you are independent financially everything else will be sorted out to a major extent except his drinking habits for which he needs rehabilitation.

    So try as soon as possible to get a job which is your number one priority. Ignore rest for now.
     
    AmulB likes this.
  4. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husbands behavior is baffling to me. What is he going to gain by a divorce, he actually stands to lose a lot. These seem to be empty threats , his sole aim is to hurt you. From being very loving and caring and marrying you against his parents wishes to having such a mean streak that he can't even have basic empathy and respect towards you feels like he has traits of narcissistic personality . I think aside from looking for a job , you also need to find a good lawyer who understands your situation and guides you., just in case your husband actually goes ahead with his threats.
    Find a single moms support group in your area, contact any womens organizations that might be of help.
    See if you can get someone who your husband confides in (other than his sister ) to talk to him and see whats running n his mind. This is a tough situation no doubt, but you have the courage to get through it. Adding a link below of a memoir I read recently, the authors situation is similar to yours in a lot of ways, and she has a happy ending,

    Happens Every Day: An All Too True Story by Isabel Gillies
     
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  5. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    Honestly, one who is addicted to drinking can not easily change the habit.

    Only he can change if he is determined to let go of drinking.

    1st as all adviced focus on your career even if its low paying job its important to be independent financially.

    If you have access to bank accounts/money every few days or months try to save a little without his knowledge into your separate account
    This money will be your emergency need incase things go worse.

    Dont show your frustration neither to him nor to kids. Kids see everything and they understand a lot more than what we think they do.
    Spend quality time with them have fun with them take them out.

    Dont ignore your husband for sex. I know it sounds used when husband come to wife for his physical need when he has been emotionally abusing you but if you refuse physical needs, he will go out somewhere n seek it.
    Hate this but fact is men need more physical to connect while women need emotional connect.

    But keep condition that he shouldnt n can't touch you when drunk.

    If he is good with kids try to make him see from kids perspective of how his drinking is affecting them n how you both are a team now you both need to be good parents for your kids mental wellbeing and proper growth.

    Try to get a marriage counsellor to see if things improve.

    Goodluck
     
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  6. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Nothing will work until he goes to AA and sobers up. You can give him ultimatum - either he cleans up or lose both his children. In US, he would have to pay child support for both kids and alimony if you are not working (get a good lawyer). When it hits his pocket book, he will take action.
    All advice and your efforts would make no difference until he quits drinking. While drinking, for the person, nothing is more important than drinking and cannot make rational decisions. Addiction should be looked upon as any other illness, and not taken lightly.
     
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  7. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    @Shreema86 yes it’s surprising that how he changed from the time he married. He was not so drinking when we had our first baby. And after his parents came he started drinking in their presence but they never had a problem. Once he cleaned up all the cans in front of his dad and trashed. How only parents can allow in first place. And his dad is a big time smoker, his mom was so tired of his smoking and said not to do the same to her kid. So he picked another habit than smoking, hope she’s happy about obeying to her words.
    Now looks like things are taking in a different direction, he started talking nice being normal planning eat outs and trying to talk to me more and not bringing up any of the bad things We exchanged few days ago. I don’t know what to expect at this moment. Do I go with the flow normal like him. Or do I have my guard on.. looks like he will try to patch up w me. As he does this everytime after big fights, he makes it feel like it’s over and he only comes back to me and not talk about it but will try to pacify and let go fights by coming closer to me. Which irritates me more as things never resolve this way. And he doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s like I’m being taken for granted as what ever is thrown.
     
  8. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    @Shreema86 and @PurpleRoses thanks for ur reply and suggestions.
    @PurpleRoses what u said is right is super hard to get rid of the addiction. The kids he loves so much, how can he not at lest change for them. And since it’s holidays time, the drinking problem is even more all night drinking and all day sleeping. Sucks! He knows I won’t do anything stupid as I care a lot for kids and he’s only taking advantage of it.
    Have to see the options u suggested. Thanks.
     
  9. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Topaz thanks for reply. How can I get kids if I’m not working and cannot afford all The childcare. And no matter how badly he gets drunk he’s back to office and is does great in his career. As he’s very smart and meticulous planner on everything he does. Sometimes his planning surprises me the way he writes down every point and detail. And doesn’t fail in providing everything to the kids. He’s a very good father, sometimes I go by flow forgetting the flaws by seeing how good he’s with kids. And he did help me a lot in past before marriage and assured my life will change for better.
    But now I’m not sure what’s going in his mind. Every time I ask about his drinking he strongly says it won’t change and he doesn’t care what I feel about it. While he’s drinking and handling kids I cannot be away doing my things he goes all hyper and yelling sometimes or mishandle unintentionally which scares me a lot.
    I don’t like to plan any outings w him as he would do the same going to other place. Place would change but not his habits. We have been to few places and stayed in hotel few times, and all night in the hotel room i have to be behind kids and he happily keeps his own drinking drama going. I am
    Tired of this, not sure how his folks encourage this knowingly.. for him they’re everything then they should Also feel the same for him right. Pathetic family members and their mentality
     
  10. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Yes not showing any frustration and maintaining silent mode is working and giving some peace. But I’m unable to stop get affected by his drinking problem daily nonsense at home.
    All are suggesting not to avoid sex, but how can u not avoid when ur mind is all messed up and for the reason being him.
    and he only comes to me for sex while drunk, as he’s drunk pretty much every day. And when he’s overly drunk he badly needs it and does anything to convince me and gets mad if I refuse it and never comes back until I go and patch up w him again. This cycle is going on for more than a year. I lost interest in it as well, as to he only gets all the pressure doesn’t understand whether I’m also enjoying or not. I feel he just doesn’t love me the way I want to be loved. Even the touch or romance nothing we have directly he wants sex before sleep when he’s high.
    My little one is super attached to me as she’s so small 1.5 and barely out of bottles obviously she wants mom. It frustrates him more that she doesn’t go to him. And needs me more than him, when he talks about divorce how he thinks he can manage them without their mother. I don’t get it.
     

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