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Husband Drinking Problem And Threatening Divorce After Arguments

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Why not be silent when he says that instead of pleading him ? If he is ought to do it will your pleading change his mind . Men are scared of strong women . Now you keep silent and carry on with your work . He wants reaction from you and he knows how to do it . It is fear tactics . Be strong girl . Let him bark all he wants . Just face it when it comes . Why waste time now thinking about it now ? Just tell him that you want to work on future so ask him to help you find a job .
     
    Sreevidyaa likes this.
  2. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    True while pleading it showed how weak I was and he was enjoying it and doesn’t budge and does it more for more pleasure I think. After kids I became a weak person, anything related to them I get anxious and ready to surrender. I should’ve kept quiet. From now on i will. Thank u..
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP. I can understand your turmoil. But you are equally contributing to the break down of marriage by anger. For every action there will be a reaction. If you want divorce you can keep on fighting. He talk about it to punish you as he knows it will give you lot of stress & pain.

    If you dont want divorce, dont be so desperate. If you do so,you will drive your dh away. Be calm & cool , show him that you are not desperate to continue with him by actions but not by words( its damaging)or he can do whatever he wants kind of attitude by going on a silent mode with minimum communication. I can assure you it will help. Ignore him if he try to provoke you. Show least interest. Do this and focus your energy on finding a job. if he treat you well do the same. There are many help videos in YouTube and internet on how to prevent divorce. May be that give you some insight.

    But now focus on your own goals . Take control of your life. Now the key is in your Dh's hands. Take it back by empowering yourself. Good luck..
     
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  4. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Yes I’m being desperate and so not liking about it for what I did. The ball is in his court I have to keep calm and concentrate on getting a job first then take next steps. Thank u
     
  5. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    after all the fights and bitter words i exchanged w in-laws we r not in touch as I never entertained their calls after the harassment they did on me. Verbally They are v abusive and use v harsh words and make me feel low.

    So far there were no FaceTime calls with them. Now he’s full time on it FaceTime’ w kids all the time and it’s irritating me. I cut all the ties as they don’t respect me and now that he cut me off he started doing this to me. How do I not let that affect my peace. My kids suddenly addressing them all day taking their names. My dh is trying to manipulate little brains to show all they’ve got is father and his side ppl. How not to get affected by what’s happening around. I hate to hear his sis voice or see her who verbally abused me to the core and questioned my motherhood and said
    I don’t qualify to be a mom and I’m worth dying and give my kids to her. That much she involves and my dh encourages her even more in front of me. I feel this relationship is beyond repair. I feel lost I have no value and no life.
    I think I’m venting here.. sorry if this bothers anyone.
     
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Divide your problems:

    Husband: alcoholic, no respect for you, threatens divorce - set boundaries : “I won’t disturb your drinking , you do this. let’s try to be friends.” (like helping out at home and keeping in laws away from you)

    In laws: just maintain your distance

    your parents: no point, they won’t help you, move on

    your kids: Rebuild a happy relationship with your kids. Joke, play, have fun with them. Talk a lot to them. Share your day. Kids maybe small but they understand a lot more than we think they do. Be a strong and a happy mom.

    You: Remove yourself from the problems you can’t fix. Stop pleading and begging. You have done enough of it. So stay strong and quiet. Throw away your past as it pulls you down. Focus on the future.

    Plan your backup, worst case: what if he does divorce you, what can you do ? You need a Job, house, finances, kids, kids education, alimony, proof that he is an alcoholic (since he’s threatening to separate the kids) - prepare and keep for worst case scenario. Reach out to some lawyer or help centers numbers or contact from your area for your own protection. Have them as a friend to reach out. Prepare yourself.

    Key is to focus on rebuilding yourself right now. Focus on yourself and get yourself strong. Everything else will fall into place.
     
    shravs3, Mistt, BhumiBabe and 5 others like this.
  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:this fb is holistic for op to consider.
    I empathise with OP's situation. She should remain to brave the situation hold dh by his HORNS.
    Thanks and regards.
     
  8. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear,
    Thanks for suggesting what to do to help my situation. How do I prove he’s alcoholic would they perform a test or by the time of divorcing what if he turns out to be a good boy to show me wrong. I do have proofs of chats everytime he walked out all drunk for more drinks
    And proofs of chat saying stop to drink and think about kids. That’s all I can show.. what all evidences I could collect in this case.
    In case I meet a lawyer like u said, what if I’m caught it might be in more trouble since it will hurt his ego and start the process sooner than waiting things to change, Since it’s holida season he is waiting I guess as he needs my help to be there w kids. I assume he might get his parents join second one in daycare and file for d as I don’t have any control on the situation. He’s behaving like one villain in movies like a psychopath — who keeps saying I want to see u suffer and hurt.
    he doesn’t give a ****, not looking at my face enjoying w kids while being all drunk (sucks!)
    I feel like taking kids and fly to India without his knowledge settle them and come back in future. Don’t know I might sound kiddish.. I’m overwhelmed
    Im trying every way to avoid going through divorce phase. I will crashed if I loose my kids in this process.
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You should be prepared emotionally. He dont get full custody, dont worry as you are a good mother. He didnt look at you because of the cold war. Many people do that after arguments. Like I said before, give space and focus on your priorities. Talk less and to the point. If situation improves, may be a simple hug can save the situation, reduce tension and bring your life to normal. Try to remove negativity from your mind. But always keep you as the first priority.

    May be the following links will help you. Google for more...
    What evidence do I need to prove alcohol abuse in court on a custody dispute?

    how do you prove your spouse is an alcoholic?
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2019
    Rihana and AmulB like this.
  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. May people have already shared some good thoughts and actions.

    First things first.
    - Money: Do you have access to the bank accounts? And credit cards? Do you have a separate account for yourself?
    - Childcare: does your children attend parttime school or some program? This is an important step, as this gives you the time and gives the kids an opportunity to be away from you. You are not being a bad mother for teaching them this skills.
    - Friends: do you have personal friends or family in the area, that can help you in a pinch? If in some case, you do need a place to live, so you have anyone you can stay with temporarily? Is there someone who can take care of the kids, while you search for work, etc.

    Now, let’s address the marital issues. Currently, you have both lost love toward each other due to his drinking problem and in-law issues. Could he be willing to visit a marital counselor with you? You have mentioned that he threatened divorce, but some people threaten divorce in the heat of things without really meaning it. If he’s normally interested in staying married, I think counseling is the best way to begin a conversation that you are unable to have by yourself - about the drinking.

    To lay it out, divorce is generally worse for men (fathers) than women. For one, you have very young children, that need maternal care and any court will give it to you without question. In the US, it is extremely difficult to separate a parent from child- if divorce is the path... he will get partial custody too. Yes, this is extremely messy, and not really what you want for the kids... but your kids are young and will adapt. The challenge is more for a single parents.

    All this nonsense about alimony... depending on how you decide to proceed, he is still the father and the earning member of the marriage (even if you get a parttime/full time job). That makes him Required to pay child support and possibly alimony. This is not something to get your pride and ego wrapped into- you simply must have support for your children if things proceed this way.

    At this point, be aware of your financial situation and try to work on fixing your marriage through counseling. Use this time to train your kids to attend a daycare program, so that they will get used to the separation. As a parent, we feel guilty of a lot of things, but just putting all the hours and not taking time for ourself should not be one of them. Start looking for a job, as you need something to get started. This will also help you network and find better opportunities. Maybe, your husband will start helping out, for drop off or something. It is to his benefit to have a working wife, right?

    At the minimum, I think you should need to start creating your “tribe”. Please take your kids on playdates and start making some local friends. Learn more about your options or possible ways to save your marriage.
     
    Rihana likes this.

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