1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Husband doesnt trust my parents

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kdkdkd, Feb 16, 2012.

  1. kdkdkd

    kdkdkd New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I have been in US for about 2 years and worked for about a yr. I lost my job now. Meanwhile, my brother came to US for his undergrad. His loan is too high for my dad to bear but he is managing somehow. He asked if we could transfer money to my brother’s account and he will put equal amount in Rs in my India account.
    My husband trusts me and agreed to it. But my dad had cash crunch and he could not transfer the amount. I told my husband and he was okay at that time. Later, very small amounts got added to it but my dad only owes Rs. 5 lakh as of now. My dad is under tremendous pressure these past few months as he had to get my cousin married, bought home for my nani etc, and couldn’t pay back.
    Lately my husband got to know of the exact amount and was shocked which was a surprise to me. Now I realize my mistake that I should have informed him of every little transaction but I got the impression he would be ok, but still I should have and I said sorry to him.
    Also, we decided to invest in real estate in India and my dad promised he will take up additional loan if we need the 5 lakh back for that investment.
    Now my husband is asking my dad for the 5 lakh and says he will not loan any more towards my brother’s education. He told me how he has supported himself, my education and other loans and that he also pays for my brother’s phone bill. We had booked US tickets for my mom-dad, but he became reluctant to pay for that and asked my dad to pay for the tickets themselves. I did not want to burden my dad further and offered to cancel the tickets, and he agreed. But my husband did pay for his parents’ visit although it was before marriage.
    I am hurt because he does not trust my dad. I have told him he will pay the money back. Also, that he considers it all his money although part of savings is my money too. I told him flatly once that it is also my money and he said “Ok then divide the money and open a separate account”. I do not want to do that as I do not feel it is right. He says as long as he is managing money he will make his decisions and if I want to make decisions I should open a separate account.
    I am so frustrated and sad that this money has come between our otherwise happy marital life. I am not sure whether I am right or wrong. Any opinions will greatly help me unload this burden. Thank you for reading all this.
     
    Loading...

  2. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,112
    Likes Received:
    547
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi kdkdkd,

    It happens very often financial matters do cause rifts in relations be it any relation. Not always people are open and situations could be demanding. So its better to avoid such situation if you want a healthy relationship between your husband and your parents.
    And if you look at it carefully you all haven't really been transparent or kept him in loop about the incidents. Initially your dad said he would transfer in your Indian account then cancelled after your husband loaned and now he is not getting any fixed deadlines. Also 5lac may not be "just" for everyone. You trust your dad because you are his daughter but he doesn't know your family as well as you do. So it is obviously difficult for him to build that trust and if such changes happen it gets even worse. Its upto you how you build his trust towards your family.
    Also you should not think his money and your family. Its your money and your dad's family same as his dad's family. You are his partner and if you are planning for your future and the money is important its not outrageous that he is worried. Same applies for his family too. Now outsiders may think why your cousins marriage and nani's house was more important that the commitment your dad made to you guys? And was it too unplanned that your dad didn't consider it before promising.
    He is not completely wrong in comparing. If I can't afford some course I would rather find some job or work and make myself capable than putting burden on my family and strain on relationships.
    Think about it.
    Sorry if I hurt you or you find it offensive i'm not judging or criticizing I am just trying to show the other side.
    Vaidehi
     
    9 people like this.
  3. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,430
    Likes Received:
    1,785
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Well, your dad did fail to keep up his word multiple times, isnt it, so how would your H trust him any more? The only way, I see things could have been different was if your H and your dad had direct interaction, about deposits in the Indian account. So atleast now, make sure there is some transparency between your H and your dad, where they directly interact, and see how to work things out. Yes, it often happens, that a person cannot keep up his word, for whatsoever reason. But, where there is more transparency, there are lesser issues.
     
    4 people like this.
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,914
    Likes Received:
    1,427
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    lot of us would think same way in initial years of marriage.But later you will realize what went wrong today.
    people always have cash crunches and they never get finishes even for billionaire.Only people need to make ther priorities.Since your dad felt others are important than giving money back to you,so he took care of other things.May be he did because of your confidence.But in your marriage things won't work that way.

    Suppose if your husband had given 5laks to your in-laws,do you wait for it or you keep asking about it?So at least now ask your dad to pay the amount back.Actually your husband had been generous.Not many people do that.

    Don't compare the things which happened before marriage and now.He had been nice and not it's your dad turn to pay off the money and tell your husband that it's soly your issue and not your dad's issues and you thought things would be ok.
     
    5 people like this.
  5. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    747
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Studying undergrad in US. Isn't that lavish spending?
    In kannada we have saying "hasige idhastu kalu chachu" means "stretch your legs as long as the cot"
    Your bro should have planned ahead. Any way you can't tell your dad and bro and dh what to do? Every one are adults. Better leave your h to deal with it so he is aware of everything. Even if you deal with it you should be letting your h know about it. Both of you are a team and I am sure you would want your h to be same with you.
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,863
    Likes Received:
    5,078
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    kd.. you have to wake up as Priya has mentioned.

    Also what you claim as your part of earning in the combined account... have you factored your cost of education if your husband paid for it.

    Maybe when you were letting your dad go ahead in spending for your nani and cousin sis.. you might have included a nod from your husband... also he's still paying your bro's phone bills... Can you ask for a better person than your current husband and still blame him for lack of trust?
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. lucky2

    lucky2 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    705
    Likes Received:
    2,915
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    @above all
    can u help me out....loosing my mental balance n unable to concentrate on my studies n baby
    got married in 2010 n cudnt finish mtech as i had to move to US along with him..!til now i nvr evr askd him anythng..infact i adjusted evryway i cud..he got 2nd hand bed,slept on it n faced many problems as it got bugs..im jus tryng to make u ppl understand..he gives 25k n sometimes 50k a mnth to his fathr whoz working as manager in steelpnt..he earns arnd 80k a mnth..!but nvr questioned him abt dat ...but feeling myslf low y should we hav to lead such a normal life,if evr we hav the amnt we can go for outing ..we can get good furniture or we can lead a bettr lyf..!im blessd wid baby boy may 2011 n he tried convincing me take 2nd hand things to my son..i was very firm n said 'no' to him n askd him if evr he has problm in buying all 1st hand,he can let me take intrst of the dowry i gave n i can buy watevr i want as per my wish..but things went wrong n i realized my money is no more..it was ivested in land n it got registerd in my inlaws name...i cudnt realize its effect then..i was very furious then but dint say a word agnst my husbdn..i hav been in india for past 6 mnths n i dont even hav 100rs wen my son fell seriously ill..i had to depend on my mom for all my xpenses..i used to commute 300 km by train to complte my mtech...my husband dint deposit money in my accnt listening to sil n mil n fil...i had tough time..my mom used to spend for me but used to pull my leg or always used to meind me dat im surviving n studying becoz of her support..!i hav bcome helpless...
    loosing mental balance n donno wat to do..sometimes i feel im be capable of raising my son..!
    itz okay if my husbnd say hez supporting me..but i jus cant digest wen mom saying the same..i want to take a break..run far away frm evryone..!
     
  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,921
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Sorry to divert the thread for Lucky
    Hi Lucky,
    Your baby is really cute!
    Ignore your Moms taunts , why is she behaving like a MIL? Ask your DH to send funds pronto or he will not get to touch your salary later!
    Hope he doesnt think that your parents will foot alll your bills. Stop fighting with him on giving money to PIls, he should do the necessary for you first.
    This too shall pass , soon you will complete your studies and earn a good salary. Cheer up!
     
  9. kdkdkd

    kdkdkd New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you all for the good advice. Just wanted to clarify that my husband initially did pay for my education etc. but very soon I started earning and easily paid for my tuition expenses. But we have never divided the money up to see how much I actually contributed and how much I will take if we do go for separate accounts. Also I do contribute towards household chores, even though he helps me in cooking etc.

    I agree it is the improper communication from my side which was the reason for this issue. But I just cannot help feeling sad and angry when my husband talks about the money issue. I feel he thinks its all his money. Would he have done the same if it were his parents who borrowed the money?

    Lately he has become very careful about money. Last night he told me that he will not be able to pay my brothers phone bill anymore. I have to tell my brother to manage his own phone bills.

    Also I had not informed my mom-dad that we are trying to cancel their US tickets because I wanted to be sure that we will get a refund. Today my husband said that I should inform my parents . He said even if we do not get refund he does not want my parents to come. He says added expenses like medical insurance will be hard to bear for us now since I have lost my job, but I feel he is punishing my parents for not returning the money.

    I know in the end it is not his fault, but I cannot seem to get rid of this anger and sadness and I feel bad for my parents. Because I would have never doubted his parents if they had borrowed money from us.
     
  10. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,430
    Likes Received:
    1,785
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    OP:

    Two things here. First thing the lack of communication, which led to all this friction. And another, that all the friction ended up with your H going a bit overboard now (also because he might feel that he is being taken for a ride, with his FIL not returning his money, and making other investments). Try to re-create some positivity between the 2 parties, your parents and H. And again, please be open to your parents as well as H. With you not telling your parents about the trip, you are going to dig your own hole deeper. So the best way out of this, is open communication between all the concerned parties. I would suggest calling up your parents, when your h is around, or put it on speaker, and frankly say, our budget seems tight , so we will have to postpone your trip. Well any reasonable parent would understand and let it be. Thats what I would do if I were you. Infact, before my parents visited me, we did have budget talk, and they were worried, that I might go overboard. So why not say the same? Well, atleast after this talk, your H will understand that you are on his side, and things will start getting more smoother. That will be my suggestion! Good luck!
     

Share This Page