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Husband Always Has Problems With My Family

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kenny, Nov 17, 2018.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi all!!!I am posting today after long as i try to fight my own battles and learnt to accept the reality.The main issue with my husband is his double standards especially with regard to my family.He will be fine otherwise but when it comes to my parents/sibling visiting me or i visiting them,then he always has some problems .The first year of marriage was fine in regard to this and after a year my parents visited me for 3 days ,since they lived in an different city but that time my mil dis some major poisoning against them that they both(dh and mil) behaved very badly with my parents.My mil as u all know is a single mother and highly clingy,insecure and possessive for my husband.Now i have stopped caring about it.I live my life and be with my daughter and enjoy too.But everytime i have to go to my folks in the vacations he has some problems...i always go to them but...but always have to argue and fight before going.He has never positively told me to go and enjoy.Why should i deprive my child from her maternal grandparents love.So i always go...and i know i always have to fight,fight and fight for it..I am quite used to it.If it is my cousins wedding ,he will never turn up so i go alone....
    On the other hand my mil is not in even talking terms with her own brother and sister....No body even enters our house...Its only one or two of my relatives or my parents occasionally since they also live in a different city.
    My husband has some job for which he has to be in a different city for some time and comes once in 2 weeks.My parents were with my brother in the US and they are flying back to india.There is no direct flight for that city so they usually take a halt for a day at my place and then go the next day to their city.The connecting flight is always after a day.So this time my husband was not supposed to be here when they were around so i informed my mil that they will be coming on so and so day.My husband had causally asked me a week back that when the are returning and i had told him about the date.I had assumed that he knows they will come here on this day to our house...
    So when i told him yesterday that they are coming tomorrow he started shouting at me left right and center.That i tell everything last moment.He said,''how can they come to my house without informing me".I got really angry that last week when he asked i told him the same,he said i didn't tell that they will stay for a day.I don't really understand that when he is not here with us then what problem he has.I said you are not going to have any interference with them you are there...i have already told mil before hand who is with us.He was just shouting and raising his voice and talking all non sence.So i told him that it is my house also and not just his and it is their right also to come and meet me and stay over.I told him that his mom can stay with us forever but my parents cant come for a day also what crappy stuff is this and just disconnected the phone.I didnt feel like arguing over this stupid matter.Did i do the right thing?Can this thing ever get sorted.
     
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  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    I guess men are like that. In my case it happened I simply told one thing - do I do the same when your sisters, / parents visit ? Why should I be all good when you can't be . Just once I said then didn't have any problems at all..

    During first year of marriage everytime he used to ask me "did u call my mom? Did u call my sisters ". Calling his mom is fine. Why should I call sisters all the time. I counter questioned him. How many times in this one year u called my sister? Or mother. Forget about calling, did you even ask me how they are doing. He didn't have an answer.

    Post that we never had any problems . I am happy with his side guests. He's happy with my side.

    Sorry while answering yours I remembered mine. I guess in your case you need to talk to him (not when the fight situation comes) but other times when he's calm and when you are having casual conversation . You need to tell him he doing that is hurting you a lot. Highlight the sacrifices you do. While he's away taking care of daughter, taking care of MIL etc . Highlight how much of adjustment it is to be away from your parents and how much happiness it gives when they visit you for a couple of days .

    Hopefully he understands and changes this irritating attitude which all men possess. Good luck .
     
    Twofeathers, shravs3 and pinkydarling like this.
  3. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    HI Anusha and Zool for your replies.I really need to talk to him about it....but its been 3 days neither did he call me up nor did i speak to him after this incidence.My parents came and went away too..My daughter was so happy to meet her grandparents and vice versa.Now he is coming to us after 2 days and will be here for a couple of days,i know again there will be a fight because no matter how many times i have tried talking about it,he starts acting very bossy and tries to put me down.I feel sad that the man whom i have given 10 years of my life ...behaves like this.He is very egoistic and has never accepted his mistake ever in all these years...Whenever there is a fight too i only take the first initiative to start speaking.
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Op, Your parents came. You and daughter had a great time. I think its is better not to talk about it to your husband and ruin that happiness. If he ask normally, then tell him you all really enjoyed their visit and they were super happy to see their grand child. If he starts fighting, say that you dont want to talk about it as he pretends not to understand it or due his double standard (use this word). Its your responsibility to take care of your parents also. How will he feel if in future his daughter take care of her PILs and avoids you two. So maintain your stand. If he raise voice go to another room and ignore it . You have already spent 10yrs to convince him, why waste more time and energy on it. Change your response than trying to change him. So just move away. Even if he start a fight completely ignore it. Behave or talk minimum as if nothing happened or his tantrums has no effect on you. Never acknowledge his silent treatment.

    Silence/ignoring is a good weapon for those egoist people with never changing attitude. Why you should go through the same fights again and torture yourself. Keep on inviting your parents and enjoy time with them. Completely neglect the tantrums of your MIL or dh. Learn to live your life in your terms. Once they find that their fights have no impact on you they will surely give up because their tactics are not working on you
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2018
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  5. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    thank you d dream for your reply..You have written really my heart.But what do you mean by 'never acknowledge his silent treatment?"I have not spoken to him even once in past 4 days ..good part was he was in another city...so i dint make any call..neither did he...but this always happens that i am the one who always wants to end this cold war...he will never initiate it...But tomorrow he is coming...Though i have stopped pleasing now but it pinches me that though i am doing everything for his mom,his daughter,his house all alone without any support,instead of any appreciation i get insulted.Isnt this my house too...i have no right to call my parents once in a while but his mom can stay with us forever...Patriarchial indian society.
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Kenny, the unpleasantness created by others each time you want to go visit your parents is not fair to you. You cannot totally ignore it also. It remains in the mind when you travelling to the other place and while there. This needs to be addressed in a tactful manner at a time that is not just before or after one of your visits to mom's house. Things will not change in a day, but over time, husband can be made to be a little less cranky about your visits.

    But, do not mix this with other issues. The current problem is your parents staying for a day and husband saying he was not informed properly. Look at this separately.
    Your husband may be travelling for work, but still the house is the primary residence of the family (you, him, MIL, your daughter). Things like your parents staying over need to be shared in a timely manner. Even if he is not going to be there during their overnight stay. It would be something you both talk about now and then. In the days leading up to their arrival, surely the topic will come up in phone call or chats?

    So, his point is that he was not properly informed about the plans. And he says you didn't tell him they will stay for a day. Yes, it is your house also, and you have the right to have your parents over without taking permission, but informing is kind of expected. As it is husband is away from family for 2 weeks at a time. Not being part of such discussions and not knowing about such events at home will make him feel even more excluded and sidelined from the family.

    Problem is it is his house also but due to traveling for work he is not aware of who is coming/going, when to his house.

    Don't bring in your house/my house and all those arguments which don't help the situation and just increase anger. If you really ask me, you can acknowledge to him that you missed telling him in time, and assumed he would know. Tell that with him staying away sometimes household details don't get communicated properly.

    Again, don't bring in all issues into one issue. You are doing everything for the house and family, he is also working hard for the family. You can call your parents, that is not prohibited. The hurt feelings are due to not husband not being properly informed about it. Patriarchal society - if you don't want his mother to live with you guys, fight for that. Once you have agreed to her living with you, make peace with it.

    You have the right to call your parents but informing husband about the details of their visit and stay would be the expected thing to do. Not really your fault, such things happen when spouse is travelling.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2018
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, If he goes on silent mode and if you too , it will be like acknowledging his treatment as if some thing is not right. Just behave as if nothing happened. When he comes back, behave and talk normal.
    But if you think you can continue it for months with no impact on you , you can do what you want. But if it affects you, it is good to not to go to silent mode. It also doesn't mean you have to do all service to him. Keep the communication open. It is just to protect your mental peace. It is important to inform everyone one, including your Dh about your parents visit and stay. How do you feel if you are not informed about the visit of anyone from his side.

    If we can't change the system, we need to find ways to live with it and be at peace with oneself and happy
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2018

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