Huge Dilemma!?

Kukudukuu · Mar 3, 2017

Dear ILs,
My sister has been married for 10 months now. Her husband stays in a different city and she is still staying with my parents. They meet every once in a while, either of them making a trip to the other place. BIL did not want her to get a transfer or relocate after she resigned. He, on the other hand, doesn't seriously look for a job in a different city. Does not make up his mind for anything. Everything is in a state of coma. My parents felt that maybe he is finding it difficult to look for a job so they told him if you plan to study further we will sponsor for your education and take care of you both till you complete your course. He is however not seriously looking forward to study. He wants to resign his current job, which is not at all stable, and come and stay at my parents place and enjoy an easy readymade life and spend on my sister's salary. He and his parents are trying totake the sponsorship for granted. Though my parents have only daughters, they have brought us up tobe self-sufficient and have self-respect. These people do not seem to have anything projected before the wedding. They are looking for every possible opportunity to extract something or the other in the name of tradition and the same tradition disappears when they have to give something. So far, my sister has not revealed her salary to them, not even her husband. When she told I will resign my job and come and stay with you, he only told her not to resign, come what may. How will we run the household if you resign. They seem to be more interested in the money she can bring than her. Even after working for over 6 years, his bank balance is running in negative figures. Infact, out of his salary, his parents give him some 10k to pay his rent, food and fuel. Wonder how he can manage with that!
Now the dilemma is that, should this relationship be continued ?

pinky2cute · Mar 3, 2017

Oh dear!
I just hope your posts are not attacked by so called "future bad mil type" people who will now give u gyan for why your parents n sis agreed fr this match with red flags ..n why now talk abt traditions n blah blah....

I just went through few of such rutheless replies on my past post!

Sometimes people jump to blame n accuse instead of understanding that we are here to find a solution for the problem... not to get told that "you chose this so deal it" kinda replies!

Coming to your sis, I will advice from here how to tackle them rather than blaming " who-did- what- why -when" accusations!

1) stop your parents from saying anything about sponsoring to their son in law. If they say that ur parents had only told, let ur parents tell them that suddenly got some financial crisis so we cant support sorry.

2) never ever let ur sis make the mistake of quitting her job. That is her strength. But never let her salary ro go in husband or inlaws hands!
If at all husband demands her sal fr running house, tell ur sis to ask him how much he will contribute frm his sal n that much only let ur sis also contribute frm her sal. Rest of her salary should be saved or spent fr her own expenses.

3) tell ur parents to politely refuse about demands in the name of traditions (as was adviced to me on this forum)

4) ask ur sis to talk to her husband abt what is his future plans abt career n marriage n kids ?
Tell her to discuss with her husband and make him realise the need for a stable job.

kcb · Mar 3, 2017

Hmmm, yeah its a true dilemma infact. How is your BIL's behavior with your sister otherwise? Is he affectionate & really loves her? But end of the day how much ever he loves your sister, if he doesn't have the basic responsibility in his character then everything looks waste.

I feel your sister should not give up on her job. At the same time your parents should not encourage him to come and stay with them or to sponsor his studies. First of all why should they take his responsibility, is he a kid? Can't he look after his life and take care of his wife? Tell your parents to take their words back and don't ever give this offer to him. Once he comes and settles in your parents place, he will never realizes his responsibilities in his life.

Mistake has been already done by not doing a proper background check & not realizing their greedy nature. But atleast now do some checks, how is that person, and what are his habits and why his bank account is running in negative balance, what he is doing with his salary etc....Let your sister take few days off from her work and go and stay with him. Let her observe him keenly and find out what's happening there. May be these things give her a better understanding of leading her life with him or to back off from this relation.

I don't consider a man as good a husband if he is happy to depend on in laws and enjoy his life on their hard earned money.

SGBV · Mar 3, 2017

Sponsoring with further make him irresponsible. I am not here to attack your parents or sister for their irresponsibility in finding out who exactly the groom is before marriage itself.
The negative bank balance and the care free attitude towards a career is a huge red flag. His parents might sponsor him some 10-15K and in return expect his and his family to be under their control forever. He will not be able to stand up against this by leaving all the comforts he is getting from his folks. An irresponsible person will less likely to take up familial responsibility unless he is challenged with something serious. In his case, he will find reasons to stay irresponsible and enjoy fun life; thus do whatever to get all sorts of help to run his life.
A marriage, and staying truthful to wife, and being responsible towards his own immediate family takes loads of responsibility. One can not become responsible just like that. It comes with your upbringing. Blame his parents for this.
But choosing a right partner for marriage is very important.

Ask your sister to save up at least 50% of her salary from now on wards. The rest could be spent on her and her husband's needs should he leave his temporary job at any cost.
Forget about sponsoring now, and encourage him to look for a better job until they are settled.
Make him starve for money, so that he will try to earn it himself.
He may try different dramas, but don't give up.
Most likely he will not leave a golden duck like your sis. So, ask her to take the control string of her life, and be vigilant.

yellowmango · Mar 3, 2017

Tell your sister to talk to him in details about plans.

Let her tell him that she will not live with parents if he joins her....that they will live separate.

He will have to look for a job and behave like an adult responsible man.

The other option will be that she will work and he will have to be the house husband taking care of everything in the house including cooking till he gets a job.This plan is a bit risky as he may get his parents too to do the housework and all three may live off her.

Tell her not to get pregnant .
Ask her to check his finances.Ask your parents to stop offering money or help.

MNR · Mar 3, 2017

Please don't allow him to stay at you parent's house at any cost. That would be huge liability.

If at all he wants to stay with wife, let them stay in rented house and look for a job.

Looks like he is cheating about job and earnings or he is spendthrift. If your sister and her husband not emotionally attached, its better to walk out of the marriage at the earliest.

Nonya · Mar 3, 2017

Happy to see that there are options for the guy to stay home, while the wife goes to work. If the guy decides to quit his job, come to PIL home and stay there for free, he should be asked to do chores to pay for his keep. That is only fair. FIL should invite his friends to come home to get massages for Rs 200 an hour. Five massages a day, plus some other household duties should suffice to pay for his meals, beedi's and pan. Girl should (as YM recommends) take care not to get pregnant, until the guy gets a job, and is able to rent a house/flat at a convenient distance for her job commute, to invite her in for making it a home.

murphybaby77 · Mar 3, 2017

Same thing happened to one of our relatives daughter,but it's love marriage.
Again that boy is related to her sister's father in law .
He was in in job at Chennaities,after marriage quit the job went to Dubai,hoping his friend is going to arrange for job.
The girl was with In laws was working too.2 yrs went by .He started enjoying the foreign trip and was enjoying his wife's salary.
At last her parents foceibibly visited Dubai with her and of course with a kid too.
Found out his position is very bad there.
Luckily she was wth travel company her father was with an international airways.
Danced danced for 5 yrs to correct their life.Love. Marriage girl is not ready to leave him.

What do you say for this.since sister side is monetarily well off they supported .Otherwise?...is Fate,or curse.

Kukudukuu · Mar 3, 2017

Thank you for your responses. We have asked my sister to not quit working or even think about a kid before you guys can settle down Ok, now it has been decided to not sponsor for the studies. But he now says he wants to go on leave for 3 months and stay here and look for a job. So sis says we can't stay in my parents place for that long. He now wants to stay in a rented house using wife's salary! When she says I don't have enough money to pay for advance (here, in Bangalore advance runs to lakhs), he says I will see what can be done about it. No idea where he can get that from. In his case, his parents are the real culprit. He got placed in infy after his engineering, to which they discouraged him to join siting some silly reason. He then joined L&T, and was kinda ok there but there is downsizing going on and he has been asked to leave. He wants to go on long leave thinking if he is not there there, then he won't be asked to resign immediately. But this sounds silly to me. Coming to the alliance, we have known the family for over 50 years.. they live a pretty decent life and nobody is aware of their financial status considering their lifestyle and their social setup. Everyone in the family is well qualified and his father has a business establishment which was doing quite well but not in a great condition. Which we get to know recently. Each month after salary, his parents take the entire amount leaving very little for him to spend. They will only visit a star restaurant, which otherwise is below their dignity! His father makes enough to make a decent living. But they want to showoff before others. And this guy pays for it. They did not even want to pay for his education and he took a loan to study and is repaying the same. He feels bad about how his folks have exploited him and talks about this to my sister. This was the main reason behind my parents wanting to sponsor for higher studies. But his parents want to make the most of the situation. He is lame enough to get fooled with their crocodile tears! He still says my parents are my responsibility so I have to take good care of them. His parents have brainwashed him to the extent that he doesn't have a thought process or a choice of his own. This is what is disturbing us.

YoGirl · Mar 3, 2017

While we expect H to not tell everything wat goes btw him and wife to his parents... here DW seems to be sharing everything with her side of ppl..
May be ur BIL didnt get a chance to stand up for himself as he seems to be financially responsibility free cuz of his parents.. i think you guys should atleast give him space to grow up and interfere only when needed..
IMHO using loan to study is a good idea according to me as this will instill some sense into the brain of the student.