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How to tell relatives/alliances about reason behind divorce

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by ivlakshmi, Jan 8, 2012.

  1. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    My parents started searching for me second time.. but not getting much though.
    My relation ship mainly ended becoz of possessive mother in law tactics, bad behaving husband..he did not let me come to his place till 6mons , after gng thr he cleverly sent me back..after tht it ended in diovrce..He also had some serious online relation ship with a women who reached his place after sending me here..i realised and came to knw tht he has been roaming with her while he sent me to India.. But now he got married to another beautiful women of our community itself. we told couple of relatives abt his relation
    My problem is if any guy comes and asks me wht reason shall i give for divorce? if i say EMA then they would do a background check of him and conclude tht he is good as he again married as per families wish..I might be proved wrong..
    if i tell MIL as reason then they will doubt abt how i behave with his mother.
    My hubby was bit abusive too (hit me twice and pinched once)..i donno how to tell ppl abt this..pls suggest.
     
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  2. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    just because your ex is married now doesn't mean he is a clean guy.just tell that ex had ema and abusive.who knows maybe your ex is continuing his ema now also.
     
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  3. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    I am really not sure, badmouthing, even if it is entirely true, will be taken in the right context by prospective alliances. I guess it is delicate situation. You need tell the truth without coming across as a bitter person. But i do not know how? May be safe bet like incompatibility/his indifference to marriage will work??
     
  4. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Telling truth is always the best. Relatives who really care will ask.
    Wait till relatives ask and than tell the truth. Nowadays people don't ask as they don't want to hurt feelings. Some relatives do gossip blah blah so don't worry about them and just ignore.
    When you get proposals for marriage it's always good to tell the truth. Let them think what ever.
    Recently our family friends daughter got married after 6 years if divorce. She is 30. Last 6 years she did her masters and now she is towards the end of her phd program.
    She did have some proposals who were nit picking everything which they dropped.
    Finally the boy who married her was a common friends son first marriage to
    him and same age as her. When the girl met him she wanted to tell
    everything but he stopped her and said past is past and he doesnot want to
    bring the bad memories back to her. He has a sister who is remarried happily
    with kids after being a young widow. So, he and his family is very understanding and the girl is very happy.
     
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  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    As much as I agree about the bitterness part...but why would she want to say simple words like incompatability / indifference?? why not abuse and EMA? because incompatability and indifference are very simple words and can be interpreted in N no. of ways....its like irreconcilable differences....(where one of the spouse feels he/she is not respected if their partner is not a YES BOSS kind....)

    OP has genuine valid reasons.....why not mention them instead of beating around the bush?? (also one more thing...is pls exclude the MIL part.....these days we all haev to remember one thing...inlaws involve only as much as they are ALLOWED to...so if the husband allowed his parents to abuse his wife....who is to be blamed here....
     
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  6. kAlyaniShAnti

    kAlyaniShAnti IL Hall of Fame

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    Iva,
    I completely agree with what most of the above friends have suggested. Tell the truth. EMA, abusive H and abusive MIL (if u want to mention the third one, then only) - in that order.

    It is not upto you if the people around or the alliances misinterpret it. If someone does, they/he is not worthy of mingling with further.
     
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  7. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    You dont have to worry about all this too much. The people who really want to get married to you will look at your present and not into your past. JMO. If you have to explain anything do so only to the guy. Speaking to relative should done by your parents i think.
     
  8. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    will it help? op's ex is already married and she feels that that she may be proven wrong if she tells the truth? If alliances come from known family, they might consider but if unknown people approach, they may feel, she is quite vindictive? so again, will it help?
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear IV,
    Tell relatives its bad fate which befell you.
    Since the guy is now remarried people they could have said negative things about you. No man will say that the truth. It will be discovered later.
    No point in providing gossip to all ,its none of their business.
     
  10. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    If your ex is already married and living a happy life with the current wife, then you telling about his abusive behavior might work against you because people crosscheck to be sure. Incompatibility and indifference are considered very poor reasons to go for a divorce in India, especially if you are from rural Andhra.

    I would suggest you tell about his EMA as the reason for divorce. There are many parents who tend to overlook their son's ema as natural or blame it on their DILs. So this would be a valid and convincing reason.
     

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