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How To Surmount This Problem?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:That is nice to read and tremendous advise. You had taken a holistic approach as a matured psychologist would render.
     
  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    @adisum

    Did you think in the lines of Narcissism.

    You really need to get out of that house for 1-2 years saying job transfer/missing family or tell I need a break from all this. No kids till it gets normal, or you and your kid need need to deal with these people lifelong , even if you divorce him.

    If he is hitting and not caring for you, he doesn't want you anymore, or he is trying get "Narcissistic supply" from you. I love you after making you cry also getting "supply", if he is a narcissist.

    What was the thing connected him to you for that many years before marriage and after marriage he see it's (it can be anything like dowry or he will treated as god by your family etc expectations) not there?. Was he financially taking your help before marriage or he has some expectation that didn't get fulfilled? Was he used to emotionally drain you before also?

    https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-...c-person-displays-early-on-when-they-want-you
    https://www.quora.com/topic/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2019
    nakshatra1 and yellowmango like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Girl ,you are not a cow that has to get pregnant for the season .

    You are a human,a woman. You can decide whether you want to get pregnant or not ...only you.Not even your husband. A husband can provide a good environment,a happy nest for the woman to want a pregnancy.

    Learn from the birds....not the cows .
    The male birds make the nest and when the female is happy that the nest is strong enough and good enough for the young family,then the female mates and lays eggs.
    You can decide whether your home is ready for a baby .

    1) first option is to tell your husband that you are not ready to bring a child in an abusive environment . Period . When things will change,you will be happy to get pregnant.
    If this is not possible for whatever reason then choose option 2.

    2) Just go to a gynecologist and ask for fool proof contraception that can be taken without husband being aware of it .
    Don't worry,this is not deception...it is self preservation and it is your right as a woman because you will be made responsible for the lives of your children.


    When your husband can become man enough to treat his wife well,then he can expect honesty from wife in this regard.

    Cheers girl.Be strong .
     
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  4. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    @yellowmango I have told my husband that I am not ready for a child until his mother behaves normally. He is pressurizing me to behave normally with her when she doesn't respond to any of my talks.He is not telling her to put efforts in this relationship too. He is saying to me that if she is wrong then you are also wrong because you are not making efforts to make this relationship work.

    My confusion is Why should I make the effort when she has scolded my parents , disrespected them, not talking to me ,dont bother if I am there or not. Why should I only make the efforts????

    Am i thinking wrong?
     
  5. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear @adisum,
    Why don't you focus on rebuilding your relationship with your DH at the moment? I understand it is very difficult to avoid MIL but try at least. Spend quality time with your DH and focus on how you want to take this relationship forward.
     
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  6. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    Hi @adisum ,

    You are not wrong in your thought , BUT, you need to become smarter in your reactions.
    If you really think that there is no place for making amends in the the relationship with your MIL, then you shouldn't focus on her and her behavior.
    It's like this, if you are talking to your husband, then do not drag your MIL in the conversation. You don't need to convey your objections about her behavior. I admit that i haven't read your thread completely, but what i could gather from the initial posts is that you have a problem with how your husband wants to dominate over you.
    If you think , you are in a zone to sort this out verbally with your husband, it should be his behavior you should first be discussing. You and him need to be synced first... that's the primary relationship that requires the straightening.
    If , you add on other issues onto this, it'll only get entangled more. You should try and convey your coolness over MIL behavior and only harp on his habits that are a problem for now.
    Also, if you can , you should ideally list out your priorities first in the relationship, meaning what can be overlooked, what is essential to you. Then according to that list, start ensuring step by step that those are not compromised with your husband's demands or ego's.
    The stuff that you can deal with on your own like advice above by @yellowmango should be followed.
    There are some things , you would have to keep to yourself, in accordance for keeping peace of your mind...do those.
     
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  7. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    I am ready for that, he is the one dragging his mom into the conversations all the time.
     
  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    :roflmao:
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    When he talks about MIL, tell him you don't want to talk about it as it create issue more or just ignore. You can control only you. So avoid any talk on her from your side. Complaining will never work. I have observed that many Indian men take years to realize that they are married and have a wife. Later only they realize that wife should be their priority. Fighting back will elevate issues. So go smarter, treat your MIL like someone living in the same house, but give respect. Talk less, only minimum things , keep the communication open ( you should watch the movie BETA :smile:)

    I am against any kind of abuse. If he physically abuses you , look at him into his eyes and tell that you will call police if he touch your body to abuse you and file complaint against domestic violence . You are not doing that as you love him but you have a limit. Tell him to stop all abuse and treat you like a wife. Dont waste your precious life for an abuser ( I am feeling sorry for you...I remember your old posts about your love marriage and never expected it to be like this)

    OP, like others suggested, You should be physically and emotionally ready for a baby. Right now, it can wait .
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019
  10. swiss

    swiss Silver IL'ite

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    I am with yellowmango on this one. Please dont get pregnant until you sort your issues. I was a coward, too scared to move or take an action on my abusive narcissistic husband. Now I am stuck in this marriage since 10 years , still scared to move out and I have a 6 year old. My relationship has worsened over the years and brought out the worst in me n hubby. There is no love anymore. Its not a good env to grow a child in . I hoped to have 2 kids but I dont think its going to happen anymore:( Not sure how similar yours n my situation is, but solve ur issues completely and dont plan a baby until u r happy in the relationship.
     

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