How to overcome infidelity

Hello flowergirl and SAtchi
I had to post a nod to the last couple of replies of yours...I DO agree hook, line and sinker!!!
While I respect her concern for her family and grown up kids, I just can't understand why she is taking it all with a luke warm approach. "Think cool" Den, either you forgive him or you thrash him period!!!And if you have decided to forgive him and accept all his shortcomings, then why go into the details of his relationship. All it will cause is make you loose your emotional balance. Let's stop crediting him for those confessions, you have yourself stated in your earlier posts that he felt threatened that you will smell the rat soon from other sources.

Another line, this is just my personal outlook (i may be wrong, this is exactly how I'll react): I am not magnanimous enough to forgive and live under the same roof with a guy who has cheated on me whatsoever ! I will end up feeling sick to my core!
Mega

 

[JUSTIFY]Den, as you can see, there are a lot of conflicting suggestions on what you should do. Go ahead and meet a marriage Councillor. He/She is the best person to provide you with a proper perspective on how you should go about revolving this crisis. You don't have to take your husband along, in fact you don't even have to tell him about your visit. Of course, if you feel it is required later on, you can take him on your second visit. Put this on high priority. IMO.[/JUSTIFY]

 

I can sense soo much of confusion, hurt, pain, and cluelessness....nothin more than that!

And as FL said, may be OPs husband understands OPs nature....sorry to say, but OP had a strong feeling about her husbands integrity..so think of her commitment level and trust level on her husband...when such a high stake is burned down suddenly....the person is confused...they dont know what to trust or whom to trust..and specially their own judgement is not trustworthy anymore as per them because she beleived her husbands integrity and look what he is...so may be she is worried about her judgement or decision making capability..

My question is...why do we have to compare with others situations?? I mean when you ask is there anyone who handled this and how did they cope up etc....to each his/her own....what you may endure in such a calm fashion may not be handled the same way by others...there may be peopel who will jsut walk out immediately because they dont want to see the kids learn or feel anything...or they dont want to live with a person who is like a human eating tiger but with the face of a sweet cat/kitten....isnt it??

I said this before also...this is not the time you wan tto worry about what to do....and the way you are dealing with all this is nothing but you are just moving into denial stage...you are not really dealing with it because your husband has not provided any outlet ...yeah he is trying to patch up and do his best...but my one qustion remains....if the same opportunity arises in future....can he control his urges after all this first time experience?? and if he says yes...can we beleive such a man who already cheated....but just to look good came out in the open about it....and if he says no..he cant guarante....can you live with such a person???

On the other hand I do totally agree with you on the kids front that people gossip and kids tend to feel lonelier or may be cornered for no fault of theirs..and some nasty people may ask /pose questions directly to you or your kids....but on the other hand again..what if others come to know or if others know more aobut your husband than you know..but htey are just silent??

 

Tupac Shakur's quote "You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move ... on

 

[JUSTIFY]

Reminded me the Great Steve Jobs Quote:

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path; and that will make all the difference.”[/JUSTIFY]

 

Den,

I have been thinking a lot about participating in this thread.

your question whether somebody else has suffered the same..this is not something like a pregnancy, parenting that you can compare notes. do you think it really matters, what the other person did or experienced.the percentage of people who could be on the same boat is not going to reduce your pain dear.what rocked their boat could be something different to yours, so comparing notes could lead to a different trouble..be focussed look only at your issue/problem..

go forward, look at what you want and what you want to do. you should be above 40 (assuming so because of teenage kids). hypothetical situations , what if the situations were reversed are easier answered on paper, or even answered to please the other person as long it is not faced..if you were to ask your husband, if he will accept the same behaviour and the consequences from you, today when his guilt is playing its role, he may say I am forgiving and accepting, but let us not dissect this too much. and do not blame yourself that because you were sick, neglecting his needs he took the easy way out and do not allow him to shift it on your shoulders..be strong..be brave enough to tell him on his face, that he was a coward,to take the easy way out..

From what you write, i agree with srividya, that your confidence and trust are shaken.you have been playing this in your mind for a long time, and have written this in the forum,maybe you did not want to discuss this with anybody in your close circle..(but let me assure you virtual anonymity is just a myth..some people out there do connect the dots..)

Now coming to accepting and living for the sake of the family and the children is just like a blind man groping his way around the house. NEVER do something for the sake of others. EITHER YOU forgive and move forward or walk out..because your children are grown up, do you think they would not already feel that something is wrong at home between their parents. if you think they are not aware, then you are mistaken. so it is better to be honest to yourself and analyze what it is you want NOW. What if years from now, your children tell you that they would have been better raised by separated parents rather than parents who did not respect each other.

you are secure, you can go out and find a job again, your kids future should be secured, then what is that holds you back..your belief that your husband erred once by mistake, but will not do it again.?? the confusion, the anger, the frustation, the belief that you let down. your confidence, that he is a changed man.?

you want to work it out, figure out the problem, what were his reasons (come on do not accept if he says the other lady was luring). talk to him, talk about the things you suffered and the hurt, tell him that you hate his guts for doing this to the marriage..tell him that you can walk out without looking back..let him understand, you are not staying because you want to keep up the farce of a picture perfect family or you don't want the kids to suffer. (though it is always advocated that you should look into the impact of this on everyone).

If are looking at second chances and want to forgive him, the issues with forgiving, is that it does not happen overnight(see after one year, you are still hurting). So, the best thing that you could do to yourself and your kids is separating from him, if you know deep down in your heart that you can never forgive him.(forget and forgive are two different issues, you never need to forget, but you need to forgive for second chances to work.) you need to raise beyond the need to look at your husband as the cheater in the relationship, and penalize him at every chance, for that one mistake that he did.(because you now wear the glasses called distrust)

Now, let us assume you give him a second chance, and if he does the same mistake, what will you feel, will you still be able to stay strong like the last one year, and try to recover again..if you think that this marriage of your is worth all the pain and hardwork, then go ahead and give him the second chance, but work on it and your husband has to work on it doubly to rebuild that trust and confidence he has dented, and make him aware of it.

Go out of the family, visit some place you are in peace with, take the time, think about it without the influence of anything/anybody..do what you feel will work for you, at the end of the day it is you who is going to live with that decision.

all the best..

These are only my Point of views please..

 

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.-- Mahatma Gandhi

Just imagine if forgiving would help your situation.

 

Read "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrnes. You have created your own destiny. To think you are the victim is absolutely not true.These are the hard facts. So only you can change it. Choose to live the way you want.

Best wishes

Nandita